blues and greens (barson)

xv.

Olivia walked into the precinct a bit frazzled the next morning. She and Rafa had left at the same time that morning, late, and all the kids had smothered them with hugs to wish them good luck at work. It was the first time in a long time that she really wished she didn't have to work... it's a reoccurring passing thought, that she'd rather be home with Noah, but she knew that he understood the long hours by now. Leaving all of the kids, knowing only Noah understood the way her schedule could change on a moments notice... that was hard.
"Cap!" Fin greeted her.
"You're here early," she responded lamely, but she gave him a small smile anyway.
"I wanted to make sure I could catch you for a little bit," he followed her into her office, "if you've got a minute?"
"Well, Sergeant, I think you know better than me if I have a minute, right now," she laughed, "I don't know where we are on these cases and I know I'm not supposed to."
Fin put his hands together as if he was contemplating, "alright if I close the door?"
She gestured for him to go ahead as she sent a final 'good luck' to Rafa.
"Barba home with the kids?" He asked, clearly stalling, as he closed the door.
"No," she sighed and sat in her chair, "he's got Wednesdays off unless he's due in court... so Lucy is home with them today but Noah has been incredibly helpful and if anything comes up I can leave you in charge and get home in no time"
Fin nodded.
"Everything okay?"
"Well," he sat across from her, "there have been a lot of developments and a lot of them I can't tell you, or shouldn't anyway."
"Okay?"
"When we got the files, we found Aspen's... first family? Is that what we're callin' them?"
"Yeah, I guess. No other terminology makes sense since we're her biological parents. I suppose birth? But that makes it all so much more confusing. First family works."
"We found her first family."
"Did you guys decide to pursue them?"
Fin adjusted in his chair, "that's the thing, we can't."
Liv tilted her head.
"They're both dead."
Her eyes went wide and a hand went to her mouth, "what happened?"
"The father, Maxwell," he started and took a deep breath, "the father was found in their apartment. It was a shoebox two bedroom. Aspen's room was practically a closet...it appears he took his own life after he sent her here. The whole building reeks so no one noticed the fact that he was... there..."
"Oh, God."
"Found him in a pile of alcohol bottles and pill bottles," he explained, "he wrote a note. Admitting that he'd killed the wife, Lauren, at the end of May."
"Did he say why?"
"He swore it was an accident. The guy's letter was like a novel. I saved a copy for you but I can just give the gist if you want?"
"Can I see it?" She inquired.
He nodded and grabbed a manila folder that she didn't recognize from her desk, "it's in here."
"Thanks, Fin."
"It's very heavy," he warned, "the guilt was eating him from the inside out. Carisi said once you read it, you should call Langan and see if he can push permanent custody. He's worried that one of them had family and they're going to try to claim Antoni was insane and couldn't do any of this."
"I understand. I'll see what we can do."
He nodded, "do you want me to wait or should I step out?"
"I'll let you know if I need you."
He nodded and headed toward the door.
"Hey, Fin?"
He turned, bumping one fist against the other hand.
"Thank you. For taking over, for giving me more than you probably should be..."
He nodded, "I know you'd do the same. Let's not get either of us in trouble, alright?"
She nodded.
He slipped from her office.
Liv flipped the folder open and started reading.

"To whoever finds me,

First, I need to state that this is entirely of my own doing. I don't want anyone to be falsely accused or anything of the sort. There was no party and I wasn't forcibly drugged. I did this. I did all of this.
My wife is dead. I told people she'd gone to Florida on a business trip, but really, I don't know where she is by now. I weighed her down and dropped her in the Hudson. I don't know if she'll float up eventually or what, but she's wearing a white sundress and a black blazer, her hair was blonde and she had the brightest blue eyes.
Lauren was the love of my life, my high school sweetheart. Our lives were wonderful. We moved to the city to go to TSU together and just never left. We graduated and got jobs and then got married and started trying to build our family. We struggled a lot and eventually we decided to try fertilization treatments and then eventually IVF. It was my fault things were hard, but Lauren never cared. When the IVF worked, we were ecstatic. When Aspen was born we were over the moon, but when her hair started to grow in brown and her eyes were green, I grew paranoid and suspicious. Lauren and I were both blonde and blue eyed, there haven't been green eyes in my family in many, many years and Lauren's parents both had blue eyes and I knew the probability was so low. I became certain that something had happened and she'd cheated or something had to have happened. I was so certain something had happened. I didn't really take the time to notice that she didn't really look like either of us at all. There were no signs of Lauren or I in her, physically.
I grew distant, I tried my best to push through it but I started drinking heavily and I was suspicious of every person in her life. I'm not proud of the man I became.
I got the DNA test back in late May. I'd sent all three to one of those ancestry places, I'd hoped it would help my suspicions be eased. If anything it made everything worse. I became so infuriated that we'd been duped, I became paranoid that Lauren knew or had done something. Even when she swore repeatedly that she knew nothing of the fact. I just didn't believe her. I couldn't. It didn't make sense.
COVID made things worse, I lost my job. We ended up losing the apartment just before the eviction stall went into place. I was so angry about the shitty little place we'd ended up. Embarrassed, angry. And seeing Aspen every day reminded me of how little she looked like me. It kept getting worse. I got a new job in January, bartending. Which really just didn't help the drinking at all.
May 26th we were both home for lunch and we weren't speaking. We hadn't been for weeks, in fact. She was getting ready to head back to work, she asked me if we'd be okay eventually, if I still loved her and I snapped. I had heard people describe seeing red but I never understood until then. I didn't even yell like I normally would. I grabbed her and I shook her as hard as I could, her head bounced off the counter, I heard a crack but I kept shaking her. She was crying and she whispered that she loved me and then she was limp in my arms. I hid her. I packed her in a trunk with some of her clothes and left her there until nightfall... that's when I took her to the river. I found rocks and I put them in her pockets and tied her skirt so I could fill it like a bag with more rocks and then I pushed her in. Then the trunk. The nanny, we hired her cheap because she's not here legally, right after I started working at the bar. She was with Aspen nearly 20 hours a day after that. I couldn't face the kid. I couldn't deal with anything. I had tricked Lauren into signing the custody papers, telling her they were an apartment application one night when she was mostly asleep. I signed them and sent them and Aspen to her biological mother. The mother she should've been with.
I'm sorry to that little girl, for everything I may have put her through. I know now that I should've just gotten over it that I could've just pretended it was all okay. I know I should've. I've been carrying this guilt. Carrying the fact that the love of my life is somewhere in that water alone and cold. I know what I did and this is the only option. I can't go to jail, jail isn't enough punishment.