blues and greens (barson)

xvi

Half an hour after Olivia had sent Rafael to do research on the couch and started working on paperwork, there was a light knock on the door.
She looked up and saw Rafa had fallen asleep on the couch. She stood and crossed her office to gently take her laptop and cover him up with a blanket she had tucked away and then to her office door.
"Yeah?" She opened it and looked up to see Elliot.
"Sorry. I don't mean to bother you again but none of your squad is answering their phones," he explained quickly.
"Come in, quietly, please?" Her face pleaded with him more than her voice did.
He nodded and followed her into her office. He glanced around and saw Barba's sleeping form and turned to her with an eyebrow raised.
"It's been... a week," her face was stoic, she was still a bit suspicious of him despite their recent phone conversation.
"I'm all ears, but not... not now," he said quietly as he sat across the desk from her, "I've been trying to reach your squad because one of my crews just turned up a body and it matches the description you've got in the database."
She furrowed her brow.
"Dress, blazer, blonde," he listed.
Liv froze for a long moment, "Lauren Paxyll."
"You knew that off the top of your head?"
Her eyes traveled to Rafael for a moment and she contemplated waking him but knew he needed his rest, she knew the way panic attacks or any intense emotions of any sort could wipe a person out.
"What is it?"
"That's... I'm not supposed to know about her," Liv admitted.
"I'm not gonna tell anyone," he shrugged.
That's the thing with Elliot Stabler, as much as he's been trying to play by the rules more these days, he's still got that "Good Ol' Boys" streak. He's obviously much more sensitive to victims typically, thanks to his years at SVU, but he's still got a rage to him that if he's not careful could land his squad and some of hers into trouble.
"That was Aspen's mother," she admitted quietly, her eyes on Rafa as she did, watching to make sure his breathing was still even and he was still asleep.
"The little girl?" Elliot was also quiet, he was respecting her wishes well enough, as he glanced over his shoulder toward Barba and back to her.
Olivia nodded as she looked back to Elliot.
"You do know it appears she was murdered? We were doing a sweep for the target of a hit when we found her."
Liv nodded again, "she was murdered."
"Wow."
"Aspen wasn't home when it happened," her voice was soft and a bit distant.
"That's good at least? Poor girl is probably traumatized enough thinking her mom abandoned her."
"Dad too," she pursed her lips a bit, "it's a very long and complicated story for another time. Hopefully the case will be figured out soon, but Carisi is super picky about phones in trial prep. Let me try calling him directly."
Elliot nodded and sat there quietly.
Liv grabbed her phone and dialed Carisi.
"Hey, Liv."
"Hey," her voice was still soft, "my squad still with you?"
"They are."
"Tell them Lauren Paxyll's body has been located and is-"
"On it's way to the medical examiner as we speak," Elliot supplied.
"Is that Stabler?"
"Yes."
"You good?"
"Yeah, the body is on the way to the medical examiner, Carisi."
"Ask to talk to Fin if you need us there."
"No, that's alright. I know I'm not supposed to be involved in this and you're in prep and everything but I think hearing just how much damage was done will help the case against the facility."
"I agree with you. Showing just how violent and volatile someone can get in this sort of situation if we can get it included as evidence would be incredibly helpful. I'll send Rollins and Fin and keep working on prep with Velasco, if that's alright?"
"Absolutely. It's quiet here, Barba is asleep on the couch in my office and Stabler is across my desk."
"They're in the same room?"
"Yeah, Carisi," she laughed softly, "alright. Keep me... you know, as posted as you can?"
"Send an SOS if you need one. Why'd he come to you?"
"Your no phone in trial prep doesn't help the squad get new info."
"Ah. Alright, Liv. We'll keep you posted," and he was gone.
Liv rubbed at her face as she sat her phone back on the desk and took a deep breath.
"They're worried about me being here?" Elliot asked quietly, not meeting her eyes.
"Yeah," she nodded slowly, "they are and it'll probably take some time for them to trust you. For all of us to trust you."
"That include you?"
"It does," she pushed her glasses onto her head, "there are a lot of changes happening, El."
"I know and I am sorry."
She nodded, "I know you probably are but I need to do what is right for me and for my family."
He was quiet.
Liv bit her tongue. She didn't voice that he'd just proven what everyone had been telling her for years, that he was a hotheaded, near vigilante at times. That he didn't always fight for the law or justice but rather what he thought was right. She loved him, he was one of her closest and oldest friends, but she also knew that he wasn't what was best for her.
"Had the girl, Aspen, not shown up last week... would things be different?" Elliot asked, his blue eyes set on her.
She looked toward Rafael for a moment and then back to her former partner, "I don't know. Maybe."
He started to look over his shoulder but stopped and shook his head, "was there ever a chance?"
"I think there could've been, but I think it would've gone up in flames. You and I, we see the world through different lights and we butt heads so often because I try to see the good and you often only see bad-"
He started to interrupt but Liv held up a hand, asking him to wait.
"And I know in the sense of work that led to a tentative balance but we were always teetering. You know it. I know it. Cragen, Munch, and Fin can all confirm. I think if we had pursued that relationship... it would've been good for a short while. It could've been years, but in the end it would've led to some sort of breaking point and we can't do that. You have kids, I had to think about what was best for Noah."
"What makes him different?" Elliot pressed.
She worried that he was on the verge of another blow up, that he was going to snap at her.
"I'm not upset. I just want to understand what I'm doing wrong."
"You're not doing anything wrong, El. I really believe that we're meant to be in each other's lives... just not like that."
"You didn't answer with what makes him different."
"No, I didn't."
"You don't want to tell me?"
Her eyes settled on Rafa's form, she could tell he was awake again and listening.
"You know that feeling when you're doing a puzzle and it's almost done but you've got one final piece?" She looked back to Elliot, "and you press that piece in and all of the lines seem to disappear and you've just got the final image? All of that work came down to that final piece to make it whole. To make it beautiful."
"Yeah."
"After you left... I was like a five thousand piece puzzle and I was trying so desperately to sort through the pieces. To make sense of it all and put it back into place. There were several people in my life that tried to help. My partner after you, Nick, he tried... God knows he did. He also tried to fill shoes that shouldn't have been forced onto him. Rollins tried. Cragen helped some."
"Okay..."
"We had this temporary captain for a bit, Steven Harris, and this case we were working... we needed an ADA that was strong and intense. Harris brought Rollins and I to meet this ADA, he described him as having 'big brass... ego' and I was prepared for the worst. This ADA was cocky and headstrong, he was a shark in the courtroom... he even upset the victim on the case."
Elliot scoffed but then gave her an apologetic look.
"I told him he had to be more compassionate with victims and I think he heard me because over time he became the best ADA I've ever worked with. Surpassing Alex and Casey. He was an incredible advocate for our victims and he strengthened our team tenfold. I remember thinking that if we ever lost him as our ADA we would flounder. Over time he became my friend. He didn't know it, Hell... maybe I didn't even know it, but he was taking those lost puzzle pieces and putting them back into place."
"So why'd you cut him off then?"
"Because I was blinded..."
Elliot's face hardened slightly.
"I was blinded by the new possibility that your return had brought. I thought I knew what was right and was doing what was right."
"So what you were a whole puzzle again?"
Liv shook her head, "no, no. I wasn't. When I was kidnapped, when Noah was kidnapped, when Dodds died, when Rafa left the DAs office, it shook a few pieces loose again. There was always pieces being removed again and your return even put some back into place. But that betrayal I felt when Rafa took that case? The case that I shouldn't have been involved in but was because it was for you... El, it knocked so many pieces loose that I was afraid I was losing myself. I closed him off, I know that that was my choice... but at the time, I thought it was the right choice."
"To preserve what was left?"
She nodded, "and the puzzle still isn't whole. I don't know if it ever was or ever will be but it feels more whole now than it ever did. Rafa holds the pieces in, he never pokes or prods to try to fit more, he never tries to force  out one's that are stuck in the wrong places. He just protects the ones that are in the right places and occasionally by accident, he'll find the piece that needs to go next."
"And I poke and prod," Elliot said softly, realization and understanding laced his words.
"I don't think you do it intentionally. You try to fix things that aren't always ready to be fixed."
Liv didn't mention the way he also doesn't always realize that he's breaking things or that he doesn't always notice that things are already broken and his adding to the pile might shatter it beyond repair. She understood that he needed a rock in recent times but she also knew that he hadn't taken her and what she was going through into account as much as he should've. They'd had that conversation already. It was why she hadn't been responding to him recently, it was why he'd shown up last week in her office to ask her on a date because she'd been screening her texts and calls and dodging him in halls because the weight of the world was starting to weigh her down.
"I never noticed," Elliot whispered, his blue eyes rimmed with tears.
"It's okay. I learned to hide it pretty well. Rafa is the only one who ever saw through it every single time. People worry when I say things are fine, but usually when I say that things are actually just that... fine. My definition of fine is survivable but less than okay. Everyone seems to think it means the world is on fire around me."
His brow, which had been furrowed this whole time, softened, "I'm sorry, Liv."
"It's okay, El. It really is and I'm not saying that you're a bad friend or that you don't care about me or don't know me. I don't want you to think that. You're a good friend and you know me pretty well, I'm saying that you and I are really good as friends, but I don't think we were built to last as anything more."
"And you and him are."
"He holds me together like nothing else, he respects my silences and listens so closely to everything I say. He understands and hears me even when I don't know what words I mean to say."
Elliot nodded.
"I'm not going to apologize for letting him show me the way I deserve to be loved and teaching me how to love. I will apologize for hurting you. I never should've pursued anything with you when you returned... when I knew all along that my heart belonged to him," Liv held eye contact, holding her head high, confident in what she was saying, "and I understand if you need or want time away from me."
Elliot shook his head, "no. No. I don't need that. You deserve to be happy and it's clear that he makes you happy. I never should've gotten upset with you the other day... I shouldn't stand in the way of you being happy and finding your person. You, of all people, deserve that, Liv. I was hurt and I'm sorry for my actions and what I said."
"It's okay, El. I understand the way feelings can heighten every situation.
Rafael started to stir, faking waking up.
Elliot turned, "sleeping beauty awakens," his tone had a dry edge to it but it was clearly an attempt to be playful following the conversation he and Liv had just had.
Rafa looked around, yawning widely and rubbed at his face, "I'm so sorry for falling asleep."
"It's alright, Raf," Liv assured him.
"Oh," he looked at Stabler and back to Liv, "did I interrupt? Should I go?"
"No. We were just chatting, I came to update her about a case."
Rafa nodded and looked at her, "you sure? I can step out?"
There was a knock on the door and Carisi came in with three large coffees in a carrying tray, "I have an update."
Rafael looked exhausted still but his eyes turned sleepily toward his successor, "coffee?"
"Always show up with coffee for you, Rafael," Carisi made his way over and handed one to him.
"Occasionally, I think I actually managed to teach you something," Rafa said with a playful smirk on his face.
"Okay, sleepy. Drink your coffee," the ADA rolled his eyes and came to hand Liv coffee and then turned to Stabler, "I wasn't sure exactly what you like but I got you a black coffee."
"That works just fine. Most I usually put in is maybe one cream and one sugar but black is perfect," he took the cup, "thank you, counselor."
Carisi took a look around the room as he nodded, setting the tray down.
"You said you had an update?" Liv asked.
He nodded, unbuttoning his suit jacket as he leaned against the door to interrogation, putting one hand on his hip, "is everyone up to speed even though they shouldn't be?"
"I don't think Barba knows we found the body," Elliot turned to look at the aforementioned man.
Barba who had been entirely engrossed in his cup of coffee looked up, "what body?"
"Lauren Paxyll," she informed him.
His face fell, "already?"
"Sort of accidentally. We're dragging for a different body but we found hers and looked it up and... here we are," Elliot explained.
"Right, so Fin and Rollins went to the medical examiner to see what we could find out. They'd only gotten the body about half an hour before they got there but they could already see that her skull was dented but her brain had taken far more damage than just that. It also apparently looked like her neck may have been severely injured if not snapped," Carisi informed.
"Consistent with being furiously shaken?" Rafa inquired.
Liv glanced toward him as he tied his shoes back on and then moved to lean against the cabinets behind her with his coffee.
He wanted to be closer to her because he was still feeling a bit emotionally exhausted from earlier, but he also was worried about her. He gave her shoulder a small squeeze as he passed to stand behind her.
"It looked that way," the ADA confirmed, "at least according to Rollins and Fin's update."
Liv nodded a little and looked at Carisi, "so what does this mean?"
"Given both Lauren and Maxwell's bodies have both been found. I'm going to try to get it included as evidence, at least the fact that both of them are dead and if you believe the last scrawling of a dead man... this facility is the cause."
"We also have Mr. Delgado," Rafael pointed out.
"Correct. Liv took Aspen's original arrival statement so I think we may need her to testify to that," Carisi looked nervous to say.
"I was on site when the body was pulled up so if you can use her body as evidence will you need me?" Elliot asked.
Carisi glanced between the three others in the room, "it's possible. It all depends."
Rafael made a soft humming sound, "I wish I could sit second chair."
"You cannot," Carisi gave a sad smile, "you can however... give professional advice and opinions."
"You're throwing the whole book at them right?" Rafa pushed himself off the cabinet and came forward to lean on Liv's desk beside her.
Elliot looked confused but also didn't seem to mind being privy to Rafael's work.
"We're going for a lot. So far the court hasn't given me any issues with what I'm putting forward."
"What if," Rafael leaned forward and sat his coffee down and grabbed the pad of sticky notes he'd been drawing on the other day and started scribbling, "what if you try for conspiracy to commit murder or manslaughter? If you charge them with the deaths of two women... that we know of, they're more likely to allow the body as evidence."
"Did they autopsy Mrs. Delgado?" Liv asked.
"Who are the Delgados?" Elliot leaned forward.
Olivia looked at him and then up at Rafael. She hadn't told the detective that he'd been right, that there were more of their kids out there.
Raf nodded to her.
"You were right the other day when you said we didn't know if there were other children of ours out there," Liv informed Elliot, "a set of twins. Five years old. Similar story."
Elliot's face went on a journey, "hang on."
Everyone looked at him.
"I know we want to spare these kids from any more trauma but if you're going to try to link these murders and maybe the suicide to the facility, you're going to need at least one person that can verify the story that that's what upset these men," Elliot offered.
Rafael looked at Olivia, his mouth was pressed into a line. He knew Stabler was right but he also really didn't want to put any of these kids through a trial. He knew all three of them could handle it and would if they were asked.
"We do have the twins' first dad," Carisi said.
Rafael shifted a bit, "you made a deal with him though. First thing the defense is gonna do is bring that up to try to make him look less credible. That he's only agreeing to get a lighter sentence."
"So we should see if one of the kids could corroborate," Carisi sighed.
"Aspen is seven... her story was very clear," Liv looked pained as she said it.
Rafa took her hand, "and Maddox..."
Liv looked up at him, "no. We can't do that to him. He's traumatized enough."
Rafa met her gaze, "I know, darling, but he's... an eyewitness."
"He's five," Elliot said lamely.
"He is. He witnessed his father kill his mother?" Carisi inquired.
Liv winced and squeezed Rafael's hand, looking down. She could hear his little voice recounting the story the night before.
"He did... he woke up from the yelling. Apparently he always did and Felix always slept through it. He said that he heard them fighting and peeked through the bedroom door and listened and saw what happened," Rafael explained, "we didn't push him for more it was late and he couldn't sleep so we brought him to watch cartoons and Liv asked him why he was so nervous."
"He's afraid that more people are going to go to sleep with the angels," Liv whispered.
Carisi let out a soft breath.
Elliot leaned forward, his elbows on his knees and rubbed at his mouth and chin a bit.
There was a prolonged silence.
Rafa crouched down beside Liv and turned her chair so he was in her line of sight, he did a silent check in to make sure she was okay. His eyes were soft and filled with concern despite the emotional hollowness he was feeling right now.
She looked at him, taking in his gentle features and the way he was asking if she was okay without any words. She shrugged slightly.
"We don't have to ask them unless the courts approve the additional charges. If they do, we can worry about the witness list then," Carisi offered.
"You'd have to prove that this guy, Delgado, changed because of the actions of the facility," Elliot added softly, "that he had no history of DV previously, because that would crush the argument that he snapped because of what they did. Which I'm sure you probably already vetted but..."
"We can have Velasco start looking into finding people in their lives before to confirm what we already have," Carisi nodded and went to the door and slipped out for a moment.
Rafa moved up and got face level with Liv, "you okay?"
She shook her head, "no. I'm not. We can't do this to those kids, Raf."
"You're always talking about how people feel better, find closure, after testifying. We can talk to them and explain the way this could help them," his words were soft and quiet.
They were both aware of Elliot still being in the room but he seemed to be giving them this time.
"And we would be with them every step of the way," Rafa continued.
Olivia's phone went off with a text and she picked it up.
It was a photo from Lucy, she's sitting next to Noah, Aspen is standing few feet to their right. Maddox is sitting in one of the dining chairs with a plastic hammer and a tv tray table in front of him and Felix is to his left. Aspen looks like she's asking Felix a question. Noah has a hand up.