blues and greens (barson)

xxiv.

"So," Dr Lindstrom said as he looked at Olivia, "a lot has changed since our last meeting?"
Olivia laughed, "you could say that."
"You never mentioned the fertility clinic," he prompted.
"It didn't feel important and then I pretty much forgot about it when Noah came around," Liv gestured vaguely, "it was just supposed to be a safety net, something two best friends agreed upon that was there just in case."
"Two best friends," Lindstrom adjusted in his seat, "last we spoke you said there was no closure with Mr Barba."
Liv rubbed at her jaw, "so, that is another big change, I suppose."
"Why don't we recap?" He offered, "when we last spoke we discussed your potential relationship with your former partner, Elliot Stabler, and the lack of closure with Rafael Barba. Why don't you just give me a quick recap of what has happened since then?"
"Well, I met with you before..." she nodded, "so, Barba took a case, defending a victim turned perp, he managed to get her acquitted. We talked twice at Forlini's during that whole debacle, he said he missed me the first time and I didn't tell him I missed him too until the second time when we both showed up for Final Call, we argued."
"What did you argue about?"
"Elliot, mostly. He said I was defensive and deflecting and that's what I do when I love someone unconditionally and I told him not to tell me about how I feel... and he... he said in that case he could because he knows what it's like to love someone unconditionally."
"It seems like you were both speaking but neither of you were really listening to the other?"
She shrugged, "maybe we were."
"That was back in May?"
She nodded.
"We're in August, what has happened since then?"
"June was relatively uneventful, nothing happened between Elliot and I, but I actually ended up avoiding him for most of the month because he was continuing to lean too heavily on me without really considering that I was grieving too, in a way. I felt I had lost my best friend and Elliot didn't seem to be considering that."
"You set a boundary with him because he wasn't considering your needs, that's very good, Olivia. So that was June. What about July?"
"Noah and I had a nice 4th of July, we watched the fireworks on tv. The 5th started out with Elliot appearing in my office before I'd even gotten in, he said it'd been a bit since we talked, he vented some, and ended up asking me on a date for that Friday."
"What did you say?"
"I agreed to it," her brow furrowed, "I thought it could've been one last chance for him to prove that he was the man I had had feelings for all those years."
"And?"
"And it never happened."
"Why?"
"Rollins poked her head into my office to tell me that a six year old girl had turned up by herself, would only speak to me, and was in the interview room. The moment I saw her..." Liv paused.
"The moment you saw her?"
"I knew something horrible had happened."
"How?" He looked down at the notepad in his lap.
"Because she looked up at me and Barba's eyes were looking back at me."
"She was the first child to turn up? Alerting you to the issues with the facility?" The doctor inquired.
"Aspen was the first, yes."
"Aspen," he made a note, "I'm writing that down so I can remember later. How did Noah react?"
"He has stepped into the role of big brother beyond my expectations," she smiled, "he is such a good big brother."
"Good," he smiled back, "so what happened after Aspen's arrival?"
"I texted Barba the first moment I had to get to my phone."
"And he came?"
She nodded, "he was there within the hour."
"So despite your fight and your lack of contact he still showed up the moment you reached out?"
She hadn't thought of that, "yeah. He did."
"Go on."
"Things were tense. We were snappy with each other until I showed him the note that Aspen had brought and then it was like he was my Rafa again," she said softly.
"You forgave one another that quickly after months of hardly any contact?"
Liv nodded, "to me, her arrival was a sign from the universe, or God, or some greater power that Rafa and I were supposed to get over all of it and be friends..."
"Only friends?"
She laughed a bit, "I didn't care as long as we could be in each other's lives again... but that day ended up being so hectic and crazy."
"Do you want to tell me more?"
"Once the initial shock wore off, he was all in. The adoration on his face the first time he met her was all I needed to see to know that he was ready to be a father," Liv nodded and smiled a bit, "I didn't know what that would mean for us but I knew he was ready to be a parent."
"You didn't think he had been before?"
Liv tilted her head, "it's not that I thought he was or was not ready before... it's that he didn't really seem interested. He'd been so content with being Uncle Rafa to Noah and then he left the DAs office and we were still in contact but not nearly as frequently."
"And you thought those feelings you had for him would go away?"
"Am I that obvious?"
"No, I just remember how frequently you used to speak so highly of him... and," Lindstrom paused as if deciding if it was appropriate to say what he had in mind.
"You can say whatever you want, we've been seeing each other long enough that I think the super formalities aren't as important as they once were."
He considered a moment longer before saying, "and the level of betrayal and upset you had at him for taking the Wheatley trial... even after months... I thought that spoke heavily of those feelings. It hurt so badly because you loved him and you felt as though he was breaking your trust and going against your wishes."
That hit Liv hard even though she knew it was true, hearing it out loud made it more believable, "I think you're right."
"Anyway, you said he was ready to be a parent?"
Liv nodded, "I spent a lot of time weighing between Barba and Stabler. Everything was leaning toward Rafa, but I couldn't stop considering the possibility of Elliot."
"So what happened with Stabler?"
"A lot happened with Stabler," she sighed and rubbed at her forehead a bit, "I told him I was 'fine' and apparently everyone in my life alerts to my usage of that word as if it means the world is ending around me. He was obsessively coming around the office and calling me that entire day."
"And how did you feel about that?"
"It was frustrating that he wouldn't just take my word at face value and I knew if he saw Barba it would be an absolute nightmare so it was a lot of hiding Rafa which was also incredibly frustrating."
"But you both embraced Aspen quickly?"
Liv nodded, "she came at the time we needed her most. I will always be upset that I missed the earlier parts of her life... and her brothers' lives, but I am so grateful to have them here now."
"There were two others, yes? Noah, Aspen, and then two younger?"
"Yes, twins, Maddox and Felix."
He made a note, "did Stabler relax at any point?"
"I ended up having to tell him about Barba later in the afternoon and we both snapped and then he kissed me without permission."
"How did you feel about that?"
"I was angry," she replied, "but honestly, it kind of... solidified the decision I was making."
"How do you mean?"
"I was already starting to feel like Rafael and I were meant to be together," she explained, "the longer the day went on, the more sure I was that this was the beginning of our second chance..." she explained, "and when Elliot kissed me, it sort of made it more clear that he and I weren't meant for one another."
"No spark?"
"No," she said plainly, "I felt nothing... and it was kind of upsetting, at first, after years of the possibility being there but I realized that it was better to know."
The doctor nodded.
"Noah and I went to lunch that day and he embraced the idea of having a little sister really quickly."
"He's a great kid," Lindstrom smiled.
"He really is, they all are."
"You and Barba talked then?"
"That night, the four of us went to my apartment," she explained, "and it felt... perfect. It felt right, like everything was where it belonged."
"And?"
"When we did get to talk, once the kids were in bed," she looked at the floor as she remembered the wine on his lips and the pink at the tips of his ears, "we were both so nervous..."
Lindstrom smiled as he saw her recalling the memory.
"We both... we both admitted to feelings we'd been hiding for," she paused, "years and... came to the conclusion that we should've just been together this whole time."
"How did Mr Stabler take that?" It seemed like the question was more out of concern than actually worrying about Stabler's opinion.
"Well, he showed up that night-"
"After the kids were in bed, he showed up to your apartment?"
Liv nodded, despite being interrupted, "yeah, he showed up drunk and he blew a gasket, honestly. Rafael ended up arguing with him for a long time. I didn't know why until Fin, Amanda, and Carisi showed up. Rafa had called them to escort Elliot out."
"I'm sure he wasn't pleased with Fin being involved as they were friends once?"
"They had a friendship after a while," Liv agreed, "Fin has always thought Elliot was a bit volatile and they didn't always see eye to eye. But, they're friends."
Dr Lindstrom nodded, "let's talk more about you and Barba."
Liv was aware that he kept guiding her back because she was a bit scattered, but there was so much that happened, "we found out about the twins and he was immediately determined to get them."
"Not you?"
"I was worried, the jump from one kid to two overnight was a lot but it was manageable but the idea of one to four in a week felt like it would be so overwhelming especially when, still so early on..."
"You weren't sure if Rafael was wholly prepared?"
She nodded, "I was worried... but it ended up turning out good. We're parenting together and everyday we grow closer."
"How do you feel about this little family unit?"
She laughed a bit, "it's not so little anymore, but I am... so happy. Rafael and I are so close and all of the children are such wonderful little humans already. They're all so smart, I'm certain that they're a wonderful case group for nurture versus nature. Everyday I see so much Rafa in all three of them."
"Less you?"
"No, he's just always been a bit bolder than I am and I think that's what makes his traits seem more prominent than mine."
Lindstrom nodded and made a few notes, "now that I'm all caught up, why don't we discuss the reason we're having this meeting?"
Liv's hand instinctively went to rest on her ribcage, "sure."
"How are you feeling?"
"Physically? Much better. I'm still a bit slower than I'd prefer but the little bit of physical therapy I needed helped a lot."
"That's good," he nodded, "and mentally?"
She considered, "I knew that that was what you meant..."
He smiled some.
"I, honestly, think this is the first time I've ever been injured or sick or anything of the sort and felt like it was a blessing in disguise."
He raised an eyebrow.
"I got to spend time with the kids," she continued, "and that was amazing, but I'm ready to get back to work."
"You haven't considered retiring at all?"
Olivia shook her head without hesitation, "I'm not nearly ready for that. I am not ready to be done helping people. It's a new age and things are changing. A few months ago we had a case that Noah showed me on TikTok and then we had a case of a girl who'd been adopted and then met her birth mother and it turned out she'd been conceived by sexual assault and... I know I'm a bit behind on newer technology and the way that effects the climate of my work at SVU but I want to learn and I want to understand but I was able to help both of those girls and the mother of the adopted girl."
Lindstrom nodded, "and you think you can balance four kids, a new budding relationship, and your work as Captain?"
Liv nodded, again without hesitation, "the kids go back to school in less than a month, Rafa works, and SVU is still important to me. It isn't my entire life like it once was but it's important. I stand by the work I do there every day. When I was a beat cop... I didn't feel like I was ever actually helping anyone and these twenty-four years at SVU have been so fulfilling to me. I could never see myself in another Unit."
"What about at a foundation that works for change in the same field?"
Liv considered, "maybe at some point... but I still feel like I have work to do at the precinct, within the system. If I can be within the system and speak out for the victims and be a contact for those type of foundations, I will. If you clear me, of course."
"Tell me more about how SVU was once your life."
"When I first started working at SVU, it became my whole life. I rarely went to my apartment and would sleep at the precinct, shower in the locker room. I was there so often. I was obsessed with helping people to a point that I would've given my life to do so. I didn't have anyone to go home to, especially after my mother passed. I only had my coworkers."
"And you're not as obsessed now?"
She shook her head, "back then I was willing to be a martyr for the cause. I was willing to give my life if it meant making a difference. But, I've realized that I'm not any good dead. I can't help people if I'm dead. I've realized that I can do more with my voice. And I have a family now, and all the kids have experienced enough loss already."
"And Rafael?"
She looked down at her hands in her lap, "he was a wreck when I got shot. I don't know the extent, but I know what I saw and how he acted in the days following. He was terrified of anything going wrong and was obsessive about me doing everything they'd said I had to... and getting my meds on time."
"How does he feel about you returning to work?"
"He's hesitant about the idea and is worried about being away from me, but he tells me that this is something he worried about even when he was at the DA's office. Anytime we'd go out into the field he'd be so nervous," she explained, "but he also knows how important my work is to me and says he would never ask me to give it up. He thinks returning to work will be good for me and just begs that I be careful."
Dr Lindstrom nodded and made a few notes, "his opinion doesn't really change mine and I know you well enough to know that you aren't going to leave the job until you're ready to, but I was curious about if you'd spoken to him about it since you're sharing this life together now."
Liv nodded, remembering speaking to him about her differences with Brian Cassidy and where they were in life and later about the differences she had with Ed Tucker and where they were in life. This is the first time she felt as though she and her partner were on the same page, despite how much she cared about each of those men.
Lindstrom was quiet for a moment as he read over his notes, "tell me, are you having any nightmares about being shot?"
She considered before answering honestly, "no. No, I haven't had any nightmares about it. It bothers me that I wasn't able to help that girl and I know that she did what she did because of what she suffered."
"Is there an investigation into her claims and the events that led up to her actions on that roof?"
"Velasco and Rollins have been working on it," she nodded, "once I return they'll probably bring me up to speed."
"You're saying they haven't already?"
She shook her head, "Raf hasn't let anyone put any extra stress on me aside from the trial. He said 'cases aren't wrapped up in a day'."
"He's correct," Lindstrom made another few notes.
Olivia glanced at the clock, realizing their time slot was almost up.
"Do you have somewhere to be?"
She shook her head again, "aside from going home? No. I just didn't realize how quickly the hour was going."
He smiled, "do you need or want longer? My lunch is after this, I don't mind staying longer."
She shook her head again, "no, no. I don't want to keep you from your lunch and I'm really okay."
He nodded at her, "I agree. I think you're okay. I actually think you're more than okay."
"How do you mean?"
"Olivia," he sat up, "you've been coming to see me for a long time now... and this is the most comfortable you have ever been in my office. I don't feel like you're concealing anything or avoiding certain truths. This is the happiest, most honest, and most open I've ever seen you. You have finally gotten to what you deserve."
She didn't know why his approving tone and words made her feel so good but they did.
"And I'm not supposed to say this, honestly, but I am very happy for you and proud of you for finding and accepting what you deserve."
"Why aren't you supposed to say it?"
He smiled, "because as much as my goal and job is to support you and help you, if I speak too highly on my pride and happiness for you then it can cause you to feel like you're disappointing me when things go wrong or when you're feeling down. And you won't be, it's okay for things to go wrong or to feel down."
Liv seemed to consider this, she wasn't sure if it was a worry for her. If she'd worry about disappointing him, but she understood that sentiment and maybe if something did go wrong she would have that worry. She guessed she wouldn't know unless something did.
"But, as we come up on the end of our session," he continued, "I think..."
She leaned forward.
"I'm going to approve you for desk duty. I'd like to set a meeting up to chat again before you are cleared for field duty just to make sure you're still not experiencing any nightmares or anxiety about it, since going back to work may wake up some of those responses."
She nodded in understanding, recalling how ready she had been to return to work following other incidents and the reactions she had later on.
"Go home, spend time with Mr Barba and your children and tomorrow get back to saving the world," Dr Lindstrom said, "from behind a desk."
She smiled, "I understand."