blues and greens (barson)

xxxiv.

Olivia and Rafael woke up early that Saturday morning to make sure they had breakfast prepared for all four children and Eli when they woke.
At 9 there was a buzz from the lobby informing them that a man was there and they sent the kids to go play upstairs because they knew it would be Elliot.
Olivia tried to send Rafael with them but he insisted he didn't want to leave her and Eli alone with a potentially irate Detective Stabler.
Rafa and Eli sat next to each other at the dining table, each of them had a cup of coffee and across from them there were two cups. One for Olivia and one for Elliot.
Liv opened the door.
"Is he still here?" Elliot's voice was low and had a tone to it.
Olivia couldn't tell if the tone was dangerously calm or if it was defeated but both concerned her for different reasons. If he was dangerously calm, it was the calm before the storm... there was an anger building. If he was defeated, she worried that he knew he was wrong in how he'd been acting and there was something more going on.
"He is."
"Can I speak with him?" The tone continued.
"Only if Rafael and I can be there. I don't want to tell you how to parent your child, El. You know I never will, but I want you to be in a good headspace for this conversation."
"Does he want you both there?" There was another tone to the way he said 'both.'
"Elliot," it had a sharp edge as it left her mouth, "Rafael has taken many steps to prove his loyalty following that case and it's been over a year since the trial."
Elliot took a deep breath and nodded.
"Okay?"
"Okay."
She let him in and closed the door behind him.
He hung his coat up and then followed her to the dining room. Sitting in the seat that was obviously for him.
"Stabler," Rafa greeted.
"Barba," Elliot's was a bit clipped but it was accompanied by a tight lipped smile which Liv thought was an attempt.
It was clear that there was occasionally still a bit of animosity between the two men but Liv didn't think it was over her anymore, she was realizing that the remaining animosity was over the principal of the matter. Rafael had defended the man that Elliot had thought, at the time, to have killed his wife... and that's not something you could ever entirely come back from.
"Hi, son," Elliot greeted Eli.
"Hi."
Both Elliot Stablers were quiet.
Olivia knew that this was something that all Stablers, including Kathy, shared. They were stubborn and, typically, quite proud.
"Eli," Olivia started, "expressed some concerns to us... and he would like to talk to you about them. Right?"
Eli nodded and took a deep breath, "firstly, I don't want you to be angry at Olivia or Rafael for letting me stay here to cool off. I came here..."
"I'm not mad at them," Elliot responded plainly, "I'm grateful that you had a safe place to stay the night and that I knew where you were."
Olivia chewed at the inside of her cheek, she hoped he didn't intentionally take such a low blow... she hoped he didn't intend for the comment to come across as a condescending reference to Eli's disappearance during the trial, but it almost felt that way.
Eli seemed to read it that way, though, shifting in his chair uncomfortably.
Elliot had tried to make it clear that that wasn't a problem, that it was a bad decision and how the boy had decided to cope... even if it had gone badly. Yet it still bothered him.
"I wanted to apologize for the... very blunt and rude way I spoke to you last night," Eli said, sounding a bit beyond his years, "I was angry... but mostly I was hurt and then when you snapped at me, I just had to get out of there and I'm sorry."
The elder Stabler seemed to consider this apology, "it's okay."
"I'm worried about you, dad."
Olivia saw the look on Elliot's face shift and morph into one of stone and lack of emotion.
"That's not your job, Eli."
"Worrying about my father isn't my job? Dad, we're all worried about you. Maureen, Kathleen, Rich, Liz... Grandma... me..."
Olivia nodded because she was included. She had been so busy that she'd barely noticed the detective's absence but once it was pointed out to her... she realized how much he'd been around and how suddenly he was gone and how he stayed gone for months.
"Did you realize that you hadn't been home in months? That you weren't responding to your texts or calls? I even went to your squad room once to make sure you hadn't gone undercover and just forgot to tell us. We're worried about you, dad. I know you like Maggie and it's okay that you do, none of us are mad at you for trying to find someone new after everything..."
Elliot's face hardened.
"I know you don't want to talk about it," Eli continued, "that at some point you decided it was time to be over it and that means  it's time to stop talking about it, but we can. We can and we should talk about mom. Not talking about her makes this all harder. Not talking about her-"
"Stop."
"Pancakes or her laugh or the way she looked on days when she was going to go out in Italy... or-"
"Eli, please," Elliot rubbed at his head.
Olivia reached over and took his hand, "moving on doesn't mean forgetting. Moving on doesn't mean letting go. Moving on... moving forward... means remembering..."
Rafael took a deep breath, "they say you die twice. Once when you take your last breath and once when someone says your name for the last time."
Elliot looked over at Rafa with that same hardened look across his features.
"I've never lost a significant other," he continued, "but I lost my abuelita and she was incredibly important and incredibly special to me. I talk about her and tell stories about her as often as I can... the kids will tell you. Just the other night I made one of her recipes and told a million stories about memories I have of making it with her."
"Kathy is only physically gone, El," Olivia whispered, "she's still with you."
"I still hear her laugh sometimes," Eli added, "and when I'm sad or miss her even more, I'll play the songs she'd listen to and sing along to when she would clean on Saturdays."
Elliot was crying, he didn't say anything.
"Kathleen, Rich, and I have been getting together at Gram's on Sunday's and making mom's lasagna or we'll eat whatever and have her cake," the teen said softly, "we miss her too."
"I have been trying so hard," Elliot's voice rattled as he spoke, he was trembling, "to hide from her ghost."
"How do you mean?" Olivia inquired.
"I feel as though she's everywhere I go," Elliot breathed, "I think I see her all the time and sometimes I think I smell her perfume."
"That's a trauma response," Rafael whispered, "and losing her was an incredibly traumatic experience for you. It's okay."
"It made me feel crazy," the taller man choked out.
Olivia shook her head, "no, El, it's normal. It's normal and it's okay. I sometimes smell my mother's perfume or the whiskey she drank or even the way her hairspray smelled when she'd use the curler on already sprayed hair."
Rafa nodded, "I smell my abuelita's perfume... her cookies... her tea."
Olivia met Rafael's eyes for a moment, they'd never discussed this before and they were learning about each other.
"She's still with you, El," Olivia reached over and rested a hand on his chest, near his heart, "here. And it's okay to miss her... but she loved you, El. She loved you so much."
"You gave her a family, Stabler," Rafael added softly, "that's incredibly special."

Over the next hour, Olivia and Rafael worked to bring Elliot and Eli to a point where they both felt it would be okay to let Eli go with Elliot.
They were aware that Elliot was the teen's father, but given the last twelve hours both of them were nervous at the idea of letting the two leave together without being certain that things had cooled down and been worked out.
The kids all rushed down to say goodbye to Eli once Olivia called to them that he was leaving.
"Will you come visit again soon?" Aspen asked as she hugged him.
"I would like that," he smiled at her.
"You're welcome here any time, Eli," Olivia said.
"Day or night. If your dad is working or whatever the case may be, we always have a couch," Rafa nodded, then turned to Elliot, "and you and I may not always see eye to eye... but we always have coffee."
Elliot made eye contact and gave a small nod, he understood that this was Rafael's way of letting him know that their door was open for him, too.

Following the Stabler's departure, the kids decided they wanted to make lunch and Olivia and Rafa sat together at the table, watching the children make a mess of the kitchen.
"You're pretty amazing," Olivia whispered to him.
He glanced sidelong at her, that smirk appearing, "I know."
She rolled her eyes at him.
"What for now?"
"You didn't have to be a part of that conversation. I know you still don't really like him."
Rafael shrugged and reached to drape and arm over her shoulders, "no. I don't. But I know enough to know that he's a broken man and he needs help... and I will never turn down someone who is willing to accept help even if they won't verbally request it."
Olivia looked at him.
"And I learned that from you," he added in a softer voice.
Her heart softened and she looked over his features.

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AN;
sorry for the shorter chapter and the long wait. i'm doin bad w mental health stuff. i promise once i'm feeling better i'll start updating more.<3
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