Hi.
...
I have a lot of anger.
When someone hurts me, I tend to jump to--not anger--but to stop. Just stop. Stop and leave me alone.
I reached that point a long time after going through... a lot for a little kid with no coping mechanisms.
So when someone hurts me, I just want to cut them off. I want them to stop hurting me and then stop interacting with me all together.
I've been told I'm nice, and I do think that I can be a very kind person,
but I'm not a very forgiving one.
My emotions are like--like--like--it, uhm--fuck
My emotions are like--
it's like--
On T.V shows and in books and stuff,
it seems like everyone elses emotions can be resolved. They have an ending. They completely stop--or, even, not even necessarily that they stop or end, but that they have a resolution. They get to some part of some point, where they're able to deal with what happened to them or even get relief after going off on the person that hurt them.
They get some sort of relief.
They get some sort of ending.
They have some sort of off button.
My emotions don't have an off button,
and I don't know where anyone else got theirs.
I'm really, sort of, honstly--honestly? I'm just mind boggled. I am absolutely mind boggled at how people coem to a sort of... stop in their emotions, instead of ramming the car into the nearest wall, while screaming--their face red with rage and their eyes with tears from crying--absolutely wrecking the car, turning the front into a flat mess, getting their forehead scratched upa dn bleeding--feeling raw and emotional and in pain and then just... keep going. Get out of the car. Scream. Cry. Yell. Shout--scream as loud as they fucking can and for as long as they can and just... scream. And keep hurting.
It just seems like other people don't have that.
They have an off button.
They don't ram the car into a wall and then still hurt afterwards,
they stop before then. They push the breaks.
Maybe they press the breaks as hard as possible and squeal to stop, so fast the car was going,
or maybe they press the breaks as hard and come to a sudden stop, head slamming against the steering wheel... and then cry. Not from anger, just sadness and loneliness and mistery and want and pain. Just pain.
They have an off button.
They cry instead of rage.
.... they're more forgiving.
Like I said, I have a lot of anger.
And, you wouldn't really know it, but I have a temper.
I think the only way you do know it is if you know me really well, and even then, I'm not likely to express it. I prefer repressing my emotions--well, I try not to nowadays, but there's a still a lot I'm repressing. There's still stuff I didn't even realize still needed dealing with. It's like--it's like I figured if, hey, it's over there, on that shelf, I don't think about it anymore so I don't have to deal with it anymore. But that's not how it works. Sometimes, someone walks over and just... rips you open. Tears open that scar that healed over--as much as a scar can heal when, really, it's all the emotions and thoughts and emotional shit you didn't deal with--couldn't--didn't get to express, or say, or feel to someone else when you needed to--and makes you feel as horrible as you did back then.
Sometimes, someone else sees that thing, in the jar--actually,
sometimes they don't even know there is a jar. They don't know you have a jar filled with that, they don't know how much it hurts to deal with it. They don't know it hurts. They don't know.
They don't know.
So they bring it up--they ask a question, they say a comment--they bring it up, something related to the jar and you just.... shatter. The jar just fucking shatters--it breaks and the glass is gone and you feel horrible.
The scar rips open.
The scar is wrenched open and you are alone--you are six years old again and you are alone and--
ahem.
And you feel as horrible as you did back then, and the world is horrible, and you are sad, sad, just sad--and you have no idea how to deal with it.
You are really alone. Again.
Repression's real effective at helping you deal with your emotional turmoil, isn't it?
...
Fucker.
... of course, that's your responsibility.
Even if it's not your fault, it's your responsibility, because the person who caused that to even happen--for that scar to be made--isn't going to be able to fix it. You have to deal with it. They're not going to. You are. You do. Well, you try. You try.
