CLOSER || EDDIE MUNSON

Part 8

Eddie and I still hadn't brought up that night. We both shoved it to the back of our minds, acknowledging it happened but never to each other. Or anyone else, for that matter.
It didn't fix everything, I mean we talked a bit more than we had been over time, but it wasn't the same as it used to be. Eddie had changed. There wasn't any more mean banter, the kind I knew him for. It was like he was there, but only a shell of him.
In a way I understood it. Being vulnerable with someone like that is scary and leaves a mark. I couldn't be upset at him for it. Though that moment with him felt like it changed me too. It had been about 6 days since it happened, but I had become louder. I was a more outspoken person, kind of like him.
I guess that's what happens when you're around him that much.
His confidence also kind of rubbed off on me, I started wearing different clothes to school, the slightly more revealing kind.
It wasn't to catch anyone's attention; it just felt more like me.
I've been feeling better in general recently. All of the weight from the things happening with Eddie felt like it had been lifted. I still couldn't help but feel something missing though. I knew very well it was him. I thought about him a lot of the time, more than I care to admit. He was what I needed.
I wasn't sure what exactly my feelings were for him, all I really did know was that sometimes I thought hated him, but other times I wanted to be in his arms again like that night. I was okay with not being sure though. As long as nobody else knew. Eddie probably knew about it but I couldn't bring myself to say it to him outright. I couldn't tell him how safe I felt with him, I couldn't tell him I loved the feeling of him touching me in any way, I couldn't tell him how much I wanted to keep kissing him that night. That was fine though, it was probably for the better anyway.
I still would see him outside of school. After all, he is my neighbor. We didn't really talk that much though. It was a weird middle state, like we had a sort of space between us but we could still see each other and interact. We had that air of knowing we could be closer. We just chose not to.
Part of it made me sad. I really did like having Eddie around but I didn't want to push anything again. Whenever I did, something bad would come out of it. I found myself wanting to keep pushing though. I wanted to keep him around.

My thoughts were interrupted by a loud smack on my desk. The teacher was standing over me with a ruler pressed to said desk. I guess I had zoned out.

"Detention, y/n, after school in this room."

Great, detention again. I mean it would just give me an excuse to get lost in thought again, but oh well.
I looked around to see what we were doing, eyes naturally finding their way to where Eddie was sat. It was second nature at this point. He was scribbling something on his paper, whatever it was must have been important, he was focused intently on it. I looked upward toward his eyes, and after a moment he darted his to meet mine. I instantly looked away, hearing the teacher walk toward him with the same ruler. She slammed it on his desk.

"Eddie Munson, detention for you as well. After school come to this room."

He laughed. I missed that.
"Sure lady, whatever you say."
He leaned back and crossed his legs as he rested them on top of his desk.

It was nice to see bits of him come back. I hated to admit it, but I cared about him a lot more than I thought. I felt so stupid, I shouldn't care this much. He was supposed to be the reason I dreaded school, he was supposed to be the low point of each day, but suddenly I started caring.
It was weird, but almost a comfort when he started being nicer to me after that night. I don't know how I didn't realize it sooner, but he acted like he didn't hate me. As if he wanted me around too. It was so out of character for him. He wasn't acting like the joking, mean teen he was known as.
It messed with my head.
I didn't know what to do about it. Should I avoid him?
No, I'm not going to avoid him. I couldn't even if I had wanted to. I was ashamed, but I cared too much for that.
My own thoughts started confusing me. One second I would convince myself that I hated him, the next I would cry because all I wanted really was him. Deep down I knew the truth, I had realized it while I was sat with him on the roof.

I remembered being lost in thought, staring at the trees behind my house. I wasn't thinking about Eddie at the time, but it started when he spoke up.

'Y/n, uhm, do you have a favorite song?'

I remembered him not looking at me when he asked. He just fiddled with his guitar strings. When I looked at him though, a lot of things started falling in to place. I realized how much I enjoyed being able to spend that time with him. I liked how he wasn't mean, he was friendly and considerate.
I realized I wanted to get to know that side of him more. It clicked then, I cared for him a lot more than I had previously

Thinking on it hurt me more than I wanted to admit. I thought about that night a lot. It was one the only time I could say I had gotten closer to Eddie, closer to seeing the real him. If I were being entirely honest with myself, I wanted to see him like that all the time. It was that longing I had felt before all of this started. It was that longing to care for someone.

That longing was for Eddie Munson.

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I got home at around 6pm. I had practice today and it had lasted a bit longer than it normally would've. I was exhausted. Mainly from the fact that I couldn't stop thinking about him.
It was eating me alive, reaching every corner of my mind. I couldn't get him out of my head.
The same went with the party, me yelling at him, that night on the roof of his trailer. I couldn't stop thinking of it. I was sat on my bed, running my hands through my hair as I felt my eyes water.
It drove me crazy.

(Play All I Want by kodaline now)

I heard the gentle thud of rain on my window. How atmospheric.
I stayed on my bed and let myself get lost in my mind again. It hurt, but it was relieving to be able to let it all out. I was able to cry, experience every emotion, and let the thoughts replay.
I kept thinking of what I could've done differently to avoid this, to avoid developing feelings. If not that, I just wanted a way to ease the pain it brought.
I cried a bit harder, thinking of how it all went away when I was with Eddie on the roof. It calmed my mind, comforted me, made every bad thing feel like it had disappeared. Nothing else mattered. Just him and I.
I knew it was weird to care this much andI knew it was the last thing I expected to come out of this, but in a way I kind of liked it.
Even though it made me cry, feeling this way gave me perspective on a lot of things. It also made me irrational though. And it made me regret things.
I found myself wanting to tell Eddie all of this, to just be honest and get it over with. I could spare myself the sleepless nights just thinking.
I couldn't bring myself to do it though. I couldn't admit anything to him. I couldn't tell him about how sorry I was, how I was irrational and I couldn't think straight when I was with him. I couldn't tell him why either. I couldn't tell him that I did it because I ended up caring about him. I couldn't tell him that was the reason for everything.
Though, I really wanted to. It made my heart ache leaving everything this way. I didn't want it to end like this. It couldn't end like this.

Before I knew it, my legs had carried me to my door. Without hesitation I opened it and stepped out. I heard the rain hitting the metal of the porch roof. 
I ran.
I didn't even grab a coat, but I didn't care. I needed to fix this. I couldn't stand the silence between Eddie and I. I couldn't stand the idea of continuing day to day life and just pretending. I was tired of it. And Eddie needed to know that, no matter what came out of it. As long as he knew.

And that, is how I found myself stood in front of Eddie Munson, with water dripping off of me,
and tears rolling down my face.