CLOSER || EDDIE MUNSON

Part 15

The days passed quicker than I wanted them to. I had spent the entire weekend in my room just thinking. I didn't cry as much as I thought I would, I just sat there.
And thought about it all.
It was an empty feeling in all honesty. My mind went over the events so many times but it felt like the gravity of the situation still hadn't hit me. I had subconsciously blocked it out for the time being. I would still go over everything that happened and I would continue to question myself, but this time it didn't bring me as much pain. It felt horrible honestly. I knew deep down I was full of nothing but regret and self-hatred, and not being able to let it out made me feel guilty. I felt bad because I wasn't hurting as much, it made me feel like I was a horrible person. Like I didn't care to begin with. I convinced myself that I was the manipulator because of it.
In a sense I was right though, I had manipulated Eddie.
I just didn't cry over it. It was close to the feeling of disbelief, shock after an event. I was sort of frozen, unable to really react to everything I was thinking. In that way it was closer to dissociation.
Just because I couldn't react to it didn't mean I wasn't hurt though. It was an ache, something you feel in your bones but can't see. It was one of the worst things I had experienced, especially combined with the empty feeling. It was like a constant war was happening inside of me, nobody winning or losing. It created chaos.

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That feeling didn't go away when school started like I had expected it to. I was still a chaotic mess and didn't know what to do with myself.
It was lunchtime by now, the day passing agonizingly slowly. I just wanted it to be over, school and the thing with Eddie. I was emotionally drained, I didn't know how much I had left in me. I would need a big break soon, one that I could use to get myself together before being in the public eye.
For now, deep breaths would have to work.
I sighed before entering the cafeteria, looking down so people wouldn't notice my puffy eyes. In all honesty, it was also so I didn't have to see him if he showed up.
I managed to make it to my table and sat down. I then realized how close I was to Eddie's table. Somehow, I didn't get anxious from it. It could've been the shock, but I didn't feel as nervous. I also didn't hear Eddie talk a single time, not even to his friends. Maybe he just wasn't there today.
Yeah.
He just wasn't here.
I tried to take a deep breath and relax my shoulders. I would be okay, it was only 45 minutes or so. It's no different than regular classes.
I picked at my food, unable to eat it due to nerves. I tried to push the thoughts out of my head and focus on my surroundings, but it didn't work. The fight plagued my mind, infecting every corner and crack until it took over. I wanted it to stop, I wanted to get over it and stop being so bothered by it. I wanted peace of mind for once.
I didn't know what I was telling myself at this point. In the end it was all an excuse to make myself feel better. I knew what I had done, and no amount of convincing and self pity would change that. It was a reality I had difficulties accepting, but I knew that it was the truth deep down.
I took another deep breath before eating my lunch. The other cheerleaders weren't really talking to me anyway so I had a few moments to myself. I tried to zone out in order to clear my head, but it was interrupted by a voice from behind me.

"Eddie? You okay man?"

He was sitting practically behind me.
I snapped out of my weird limbo and froze. I didn't know what to do.
I no longer felt empty, but felt every emotion I had been holding back crash over me like a giant wave. It started drowning me.

"Yeah I'm uh- I'm fine."

I felt all of the tears I had held back fall in an instant. I quickly realized what was happening and almost ran out of the cafeteria. I could feel everyone's eyes on me but that didn't matter anymore. I didn't even make it to a classroom, I just collapsed outside of the door against the wall. I felt as if I couldn't breathe, like all of the air had been ripped out of my lungs. All I could do was let out quiet sobs, hardly breathing.
Just like that, the emptiness was replaced with overwhelming feelings of regret and sadness. I felt like I had lost all control, everything was crumbling around me. I was hopeless at this point.
After what felt like hours but was probably around 30 minutes, I had stopped crying as much. Tears were still coming down, but I had gotten to a point where I could breathe properly and was aware of my surroundings again. I took a deep breath and wiped my face with my sleeve. I then got up and brushed myself off, taking a few moments to collect myself before I walked back into the cafeteria.
I pushed the door open and stepped in, eyes scanning the room stupidly.
I saw a few people looking at me, most were preoccupied with their friends. I then looked towards my table, only to find Eddie's eyes glued to me.
He didn't seem angry though. Behind his gaze there was a feeling of concern, but also regret. It was a feeling I knew all too well by now.
As soon as I saw, he looked away and faced his friends again.
I felt the familiar anxiety come over me, but I would have to shove it aside so people didn't talk. I walked over to my table and sat down, taking a deep breath and trying to pretend nothing had happened. I didn't eat for the rest of lunch, I just sat there and held back the floodgate of my thoughts.
I would have to make it work.

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I unlocked the door to my house, trying to ignore the fact that Eddie's was across the street. I took a deep breath before stepping in and dropping my bag. I stayed still for a few moments, taking in the peace and quiet before it was spoiled. I closed my eyes and tried to breathe a bit slower, if I could calm myself down maybe I could keep this feeling.
However, the second my eyes were shut all of the thoughts came flooding back.
I squeezed my eyes shut harder, leaning against the wall and slowly dropping into a sit. I rested my head on my knees, letting a few tears fall.

Goddamnit y/n.