The Probability Of Not Loving You

Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Feeling like shit couldn't begin to describe Alex's current state but it had been a start. When he thought of getting out of bed and stepping onto that plane, it felt like his world would crumble. Hell, his world was falling apart and he didn't even have to lift a finger to help it along. That mistake he made years ago.

However, leaving seemed monumentally worse. Like he would reach eternal damnation faster. His whole body yelled at him to stay, fight for Ava. Doing that would be sending her world into hell instead. Last night he had almost told her everything and started by nearly kissing her a bunch of times. How he managed to walk away without saying a word was a shock in itself!

He didn't deserve to tell her the truth. He didn't deserve to ruin her life because he regretted his choices. She lived through the consequences of his choices and ruined her life once. What right did he have to do it again? All for I'm sorry and I have always loved you. Love, this time, wasn't enough. She made promises to someone else. She loved someone else. Who was he to come in and ruin that? That was if she listened to him. He knew Ava, she would never forgive him for what he did. Yet his heart still hoped.

Hope was a lost cause. All she talked about was Christian, their engagement and impending nuptials. That was not a woman looking to destroy her life with words she wasn't expecting or needed. Alex was the one stuck in the past. Telling her the truth freed Alex  from the knowledge that when he looks back twenty years from now, miserable, with someone he mostly tolerates, Alex could tell himself that he gave his all and lost. There would be no what ifs and regrets. But to her, he would be opening up a wound that she managed to close.

Why on Earth would he run a knife over her old scars and reopen them? She moved on. That was what he needed to recognise and accept. She didn't  need him in the way that he needed her to want him. That knowledge was gutting but it was something that he had to face.

If a glass of hard liquor at six o'clock in the morning helped dull his senses, then Alex was all for it or at least he tried. Before he stepped into the shower he carried on from last night and finished what was left in the mini bar. He probably would have done more damage if there had been more alcohol but the universe was conspiring against him too and wanted him in pain. Alex obliged. He needed that pain too for every time that he had seen her cry and stayed silent.

After his shower, he got dressed. As he came out into the living space of the suite his father was there. Last night Alex had been a mess and surely he hadn't remembered the night as vividly as he thought. There were two bottles of wine scattered on the floor. He had never been messy, it just wasn't his way. For a moment, Alex felt shame thinking of what his father thought.

"I got the key from downstairs. I hope you don't mind," Beau Evans uttered explaining his presence. "Are you...alone?" he asked looking around the room.

So the room wasn't as messy as he thought. Alex sighed. "Who would I be with?"

"Genevieve?"

"Is that what everyone thought?"

"You and her have always been close."

"She's just a friend and business associate."Alex sighed. "She is the engineer on the job and I had an extra ticket to the show. It felt wrong leaving her at the hotel when I am the reason the project is well ahead of schedule and she has been more than accommodating."