He promised us...

Friday 17th June

it's Friday, my least favorite day. House party day. Every other month we throw a house party for the fun of it; now I'd usually go and sit with will considering after what I spoke about last month has made me hate loud noises, Even though I have to put up with it at work, however, will isn't here, he's at a friends house working on some college thing. So, I'm going to have to enjoy it, at least I can get drunk with all the other's and no-one will care. 8pm rolled around quite quickly and the house started to fill up with guests. J was downstairs sorting out drinks and food while Baylee was welcoming guests and Riley was being the lively one as usually. meanwhile I was upstairs preparing myself, telling myself things were going to be okay and that nothing bad would happen to me. "okay, I can do this" I say to my reflection -in the mirror- with a sigh. 

I head downstairs and walk toward J considering the other 2 where already tipsy and partying away. "hey Daz, you alright?" J questioned while pouring himself a Vodka and Coke. I nod as continue walking toward him so I could make myself a drink too. "Daz...is that a smart idea?" I stare at him in disgust "OH C'MON!" I complain, "I'm not like those two" I reply pointing and riley who is hysterically laughing and Baylee who is chatting up at least 4 women. "Good point" he laughs, "fine, just please don't drink too much, I'd rather not be cleaning my little brother's vomit up". I laugh while making my drink stronger than I should. I finish making my drink and grab some ice cubes out the freezer and head toward the stairs as that's the quietest place and for some reason is a safe place for me. after a few stronger drinks, everything is louder than before and things are spinning but I didn't care. I could just about make people out, not that I wanted too considering some of the people I hate where here.

11pm hits and I've had way too much and I now really cant make people out, I'm starting to fall asleep when I hear 2 of the people I hate say something to one another. "omg, its *deadname* surprised she hasn't killed herself yet. I knew those two voices without having to see their face. Holly and Jaz. while I try and pull myself together without showing signs of me being hurt by what they said they walk off laughing to go find some lads to talk to. I pull myself upstairs into my bathroom and lock the door. Nobody will notice I'm gone, I'm basically a nobody and everyone is very drunk, some are even passed out. I crawl toward mine and Riley's bathroom and sit against the door so no-one can come in. my head starts to hurt as tears fill my eyes, I sit for a few minutes procrastinating about painting with silver and watching it turn red, sometimes white if I go deep enough. 

After a few minutes, I stop procrastinating. The only thing running through my head was the fact those two deadnamed me, used the wrong pronouns and thought I should die. I mean....I don't disagree. I pull out my phone from my back pocket of my jeans and remove its case revealing the Stanley Knife blade. I push it against my veins in my wrist as hard as I can watching it go red, then white. I was already dizzy but now its worse, I felt my eyes closing, like I was going to sleep, except my chest felt heavy - like I couldn't breathe. I wanted to go back in time, change what I'd just done. I didn't want them to find me, I didn't want them to be mad at me, again. I promised them I wasn't harming myself anymore, especially after last time. But here I am, watching the blood seep from the cuts as my body slumps onto the bathroom floor for me to traumatize them once more. 

its now Sunday, I'm lay in a stupid hospital ward, with shitty nurses. I have food on my little table but I don't even feel like eating, not like I've eaten much at all this past month, I hate how I look. None of the house have noticed yet- thankfully, but now I'm in here I feel they might. J was sat asleep in the chair beside me, most likely still getting over his hangover from all the alcohol he consumed Friday evening/Saturday morning. I look down at my wrists remembering why I'm here. They're bandaged up, quite tightly, I feel so guilty I ruin all the fun. I should have listened to Holly and Jaz and finished the job off with the stock of pills I have under my mattress in my bedroom. I sat there, tears falling down my face once again. I'm a failure. J must have heard my cries as he starts to wake up. he walks over too me, still sleepy, sits himself down on my bed next to me and pulls me in for a hug as he kisses the top of my head. "Dazza" he whispered. "oh god" I thought. "he's using my full name". "yeh?" I mumble into his tee-shirt. "you promised us" he replies pulling away from the hug wiping my tears away.  "I'm surprised they haven't sent you to a physic ward yet. Plus you're scaring us, you know that right? Leo went upstairs to use the bathroom and luckily he found or you would be dead, the amount of blood you lost was very concerning." his voice trailed off as I pulled him back into the hug trying not to break down in his arms. "I was supposed to die, I didn't go deep enough, I'm not supposed to be here" I look up at him, with rage filling inside of me. Jaz and Holly deadnamed me, I still feel like I'm a girl. you can all tell my I look like a boy but I don't even feel it. "Daz, listen too me, those two are irrelevant and so are their opinions". I look down at my arms and fall silent for a few minutes. "do the rest of the group know..about this...and are they, you know, mad?". he sighs "most people from the party know, we had to call an ambulance Daz, you where near enough dead!" he looked mad from the question I just asked. "You're not mad are you...?" he stayed silent. "no I'm not, I'm just trying to understand the situation" he spoke up. "we all care about you Dazza" will chirped in as he walked into the room while carrying spencer bear.