He promised us...

Monday 20th June

its mid-day and the nurses say I'm finally allowed to be discharged, except I'm now going to be watched over like a hawk, doubt I'll even be able to use a fucking knife or a needle for basic things like cooking and sewing. I go to stand up from my hospital bed, suddenly feeling faint. "are you okay?" Jamie ask's. "uh yeh. fine, just dizzy, y'know how I get". he nodded while taking a hold of my arm -being careful not to hurt me- to make sure I don't fall. 

The car ride home was quieter than usual, I think he knows...

I step out the car knocking my wrist, I wince but try my best to hide it. Everyone was stood on the door step waiting for me like I was some God. "what are you all doing here" I laugh trying to play everything off like a big joke. "Don't understand why you're laughing Dazza, this isn't something to laugh about, you tried to take your own life, you nearly died! None of us are laughing!!" Baylee spoke up. I stayed silent and pushed past them all heading toward my room, as I turn the corner to head up the stairs I see J staring at Baylee like Baylee had just said something hateful. 

I stay in my room for the rest of the day trying to find a comfortable way of sleeping without hearing what people have said to me and re-imagining that one night in April when I was sexually assaulted. I had this sudden urge to hurt myself once again, I started to panic not knowing what to do. I didn't want to hurt myself, I didn't even want to die, I just wanted all my pain to go away and for me to stop suffering. Riley knocks on my door to give me some left-over pizza. "hey, you alright? you don't look to good". I stutter through my words not being able to breathe "I want it all to go away, I want it to all leave my head, I want his hands off my body, I want my name out their mouths, I can't take it" I sob. "hey hey hey, shush, its okay, you're safe" riley says in a calming manor. "try go to sleep okay, it'll help, don't forget to eat, drink and take your anti-depressant pill.." she says as she leaves. 

I finally find a comfortable position to lie down and sleep, I bring spencer close to me and cuddle him while I close my eyes and allow myself to drift off. 

The next morning everyone is sat around the island eating breakfast, Will had put the kettle on and was making everyone a hot drink while riley was pouring themself a bowl of cereal and Baylee was scrolling through Tiktok. J, on the other hand was making two lots of breakfast, maybe Leo was coming round. Then it hit, he was making it for me, I didn't want to have to start purging however I couldn't skip a meal someone has made for me. "Good morning Daz" J said. "Taken your anti- depressant?" Baylee murmured while still hooked to his phone. For some reason him saying something so simple, maybe he was expressing concern but I doubt it, annoyed me - I saw red. "Can you please just shut the fuck up for one second. All you every seem to do is talk to 10 women at a time then complain you're not in a relationship, stop fucking worrying about me, all of you. I'm fine." I sigh as I head back too my room now feeling guilty for what I said to him and how I reacted. my frustration soon turned too tears and I sobbed to the group's dog (Great Dane x Grey Hound) named Fluffy. Fluffy is like my own therapist, I should actually have a therapist I just don't got to my appointments, ignore the messages/emails and when I do go I bullshit about how I feel. I don't want anyone else to think of me as a disappointment, my parents already see me as a failure and gave up on me when they first realized I was mentally ill, I've never been their favorite anyway, it just sucked watching them give up on me. That doesn't matter now, I have to worry about my friends giving up on me instead, I know they will in the end- its just a matter of time. I  have promised them so many times over the years that I'll eat more and I'll stop hurting myself or ending up in hospital and I always fail them, I always break he promise. I hate myself for it. Every time I end up back in hospital, it's just one more trip until they all give up on me. 

Lunch time roll's around and I feel like eating, I do want to get better. I go downstairs heading straight for the kitchen. i turn the grill on and toast the one side of bread, while doing so i grab the cheese from the fridge and a knife from the draw. J was sat in the living room and heard the draw open and spun his head around. "Why'd you need a knife?" he questioned. "I'm hungry for once, am I not allowed to make a cheese toasty?" I sigh, hating all the 'attention' I'm receiving. "sorry, we're just all on edge and we wanna make sure you're okay" he replies. "sorry...I just don't like everyone watching every move I make" I say while putting the cheese on the uncooked side of bread leaving it to melt. I move toward the glasses and pour myself a glass of Pepsi to go along with my cheese toasty. while sorting it all out I plead with myself to keep it down and not throw up. I take the now melted cheese on toast out from the grill, turn the grill off and cut the bread in half. "ah shit" I complain. "What?" Will questioned walking down the stairs. "I sliced my finger open with the knife" I respond. "purposely or what?" Baylee smirked lifting his head while sitting down to what the Manchester United VS Liverpool game. J -who was already sat waiting for the game- starred over at Baylee as a way of saying shut up. I giggled as I walked up the stairs preparing myself for the yelling of "off side!!" "c'mon ref" "that's a foul" "YESSSS, IT'S A GOAL" "bound to be a yellow/red card!!!" "going to VAR?"