He promised us...

Tuesday 23rd August

The pool party is today, the entire house is manic trying to set up everything such as: music, lights, food, the pool, blowing up pool floats, the barbeque. Meanwhile, I'm sat up stairs in my room, once again, writing in this stupid journal my therapist gave to me before I stopped seeing her and I started to ignore her. I was nervous about today, my thighs and arms are painted in scars from my past with self harm. I was also a little excited, I have a waterproof binder, meaning I can still bind my chest while in the pool! I'm finally starting to feel like a boy! the only sad part is I cant take T at the minute because I'm still taking anti-depressants, so my voice is still making me seem feminine. Its been a while since that thing at work happened, I quit my job their and started work at a new place last month, the people their are hella nice and I'm a lot happier, I'd never have imagined me to be apart of the % to be sexually assaulted. I pray it never happens again.

7.30 pm

Everyone's is here, the music is loud, the vibe is amazing and for once I don't want to hide on the stairs. the temperature had dropped slightly so I stole J's hoodie, I don't think he cared he was too busy cooking the food for everyone. I went inside to grab myself a drink of bailey's, while doing so their was at least 3 couples snogging one another (With me being asexual I wanted to leave as quick as I could) I poured my drink and hurried outside and wondered over to Will who was sat with his friend, Jamie. "alright Daz?" he questioned while I slumped in the chair beside them. "Yeah, just a headache that's all, bit too much to drink, I guess". he laughed while continuing his conversation with 'his' Jamie. 8pm hit and everyone had eaten, my headache was getting worse so I decided to take some co-codamol, grab a glass of water and sleep my headache off. I change into my pjs (random tee-shirt and a pair of shorts) and climb into bed. I lay for a while, struggling to sleep due to the noise, that's when I saw my door open, it was one of Baylee's mates.

I presumed he'd gotten the wrong room and was looking for Baylee's. I got out of bed to direct him to the correct room when he pushed me against my door. He started kissing my neck and going to lift my tee-shirt, I tried so hard to push him off me but my head was hurting and I was already drunk. All I could think about was that one night at work a few months ago, is it me? is it the clothing I wear? is it my fault this is happening to me? I wasn't sure, I didn't want to think. I couldn't see anything as my room was too dark, the only sounds I could hear was the music from outside and my back being pushed against the door. That strong scent of booze is something that will never leave me. he dragged me by the wrist and pushed me onto my bed. Tears streamed down my face, I wanted to scream for help but I know my voice would have been drowned out by the music downstairs. Just as he was about to force himself upon me, Will walks in. He stood for a second in confusion until he saw my tear stained face and what this guy was doing to me.
Will pulled him back via the guys collar - I lay in the same position for a while unable to comprehend what had happened to me. Outside my room I heard the two of them fighting, physically fighting. I presume will threw the first punch as I heard Baylee's mate groan in pain. A few moments later I heard crowd gathering - none of them bothered to ask why the fight was happening, that was until J turned up. He pulled the two lads apart and yelled louder than expected. "What the fuck has gotten into you too, will this isn't like you, why don't you explain?"
"This prick was forcing himself upon Dazza, you know, their ace, they don't like that stuff" he exhaled wanting to beat the shit of this guy till he can't move. "He did what to Daz?!" J sounded worried. "Where is Daz, is he alright?"
Riley appeared from the mass- "I presume he's in his room, I'll go check on him while you deal with this imbecile."
"Daz?.." Riley knocked on my door
"Hm" I whispered, unable to move from shock. "Are you okay..? I heard what happened" I lay their silently ignoring their question while tears fall making my tee-shirt (that was half on, half off) soggy.
"I don't want to be here" I sob. "I want go somewhere where no one's hands are on me, where I'm safe"

A few days have passed since the incident with Baylee's mate. Baylee hasn't stopped apologizing since. I've had over 100 messages from people asking if I'm okay and if I was bullshitting cuz 'he seems like a nice guy' and 'he didn't try anything with us'. I've scrubbed my body that many times my skin is raw. I want their hands off me. I can't even sleep in my own bed at night without re-imagining it happening. I've been sleeping on the sofa recently but even that doesn't remove the memories of it. I also have the hickeys that he left, none of the group know about them, I'm not sure how because not even makeup is covering it so I'm back to wearing hoodies to hide myself so the house doesn't know. I can't even stand a simple hug at the minute without feeling like I can't breathe. I hated it, I wasn't ever gonna be okay after this.

That's when I started planning my death.
I first of all planned how I was going to do it, when I was going too and then... The notes - that hurt the most, I knew this would break them but I can't continue a life I don't want. I can't keep ruining them. They won't even notice I'm gone anyways.