Challenge Accepted

14 Can't

( Zion's Prospective)

Photography quote: "A great photograph is one that fully expresses what one feels, in the deepest sense, about what is being photographed."

― Ansel Adams

I didn't mean to make eye contact with her for that one minute. I realized both of our eyes were watering as I went silent for that solid minute. Someone had cleared their throat, hinting that I had gone frozen out of nowhere. My legs didn't even move, nor did I twitch a face muscle. It hurts when I see her for the first time in a while. Seeing her brown eyes water hurts me. I know she's in pain, but this is for the best. For me and for her. We wouldn't have worked out. I would have thought too much about the past. I know damn well she's going to stop in front of me and look at me with those watery eyes and say something to me that's just going to make me break even more. Toxic, Abusive, that's what one of my relationships was and that's what triggered me. I don't want to be in that situation again. I don't want Stella and I to go that far. If we are already having troubles as much as we are right now. Who knows how far we are able to go, breaking ourselves more and more? Until one kills their self or the other. Or who knows we might have pulled another Romeo and Juliet story. We were already somewhat enemies in the beginning. 

I'm drawing the line here and giving us that gap. Maybe overtime we may become friends again. When she's older, who knows we might even become a thing. But while she's still a student and my work being like it is now, not to mention family is being well family... We can't handle all of it. I'm not going to deal with that pain again. I'm not going to relapse into that type of depression.

After class I was right. She stayed behind, looked at me with those eyes that made me want to pull her in for a kiss. Now they leave me speechless, frozen, thinking, but at the same time they make me want to run. Run from her, run from life. I looked down at her, waiting for her to say something.

"Hear me out, listen to me for once. I know about your job offer. Because I got offered to go on the trip and they said that you would be teaching in Arizona. Scar and I were planning to go but well I realized something... What would you do? What would you say if I were to go there? "My voice hesitated to even answer but I did. After months of ghosting her I finally spoke.

"I don't know how I 'd feel. I don't know how I feel now" I answered. She went mute for a couple of minutes.

"I'm sorry, I love you, I miss you" Her voice cracked as she spoke. She looked down to the floor, but her face was still facing mine. 

"I can't do this" I confessed. Her eyes widened; tears flowed down her face.

"Please give me a reason" she whimpered, I can tell she's holding back her cries, but her tears are flowing fast and her nose and her whole face started to turn light red, as she stood their silent after she spoke I answered.

"This is how my abusive relationship started, I just can't go through that again. I'm sorry" I looked away from her after I said what I had said. "I can't be in another relationship like that, I'm sorry" I added, to let it sink in

"Wha-" Before I heard another word come from her mouth she ran out of the classroom. I can hear her break. I shattered her heart badly and my reaction to that was flawless. Falling back to a desk, trying to catch my balance. I wanted to cry, and I did, just a little. After a couple tears all I could do was slam my fist into a table as hard as I can, leaving the desk chipped. I looked up and cussed out to the roof, holding my tears back. I went walking out of the classroom, after taking a breather. To the opposite of where Stella ran off too. In my head I still can hear her crying storming off the other direction. I still can see her face red and sloppy. To think I used to want to make her look like that but in a different way makes me more depressed. Was this really the right thing? Was me hurting her worth it? Although was she right about what she had said when she was on the bed sick? Or was she wrong to have said that to my face, losing our chance of us becoming a thing?