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(Stella's Prospective)

Photography quote:

"The context in which a photograph is seen affects the meaning the viewer draws from it."- Stephen Shore

Surprisingly us three were good at keeping the secret. Scar didn't even tell Cole. But he knew something was wrong by just seeing how Scar, Jay and I were acting. He knew I was down. Especially when it came to photography class. Jay knew Scar was worried about me. And he can definitely tell that Jay is pissed off. Especially towards Zion. God, it hurts to even mention his name. To even think about him. To be in his class and listen to him pains me. I can't help rubbing or scratching my arm when I get nervous. Or when I'm reminded by him. I lay my head down and close my eyes. I was out like a light. Blocking everything out of my head. Besides my thoughts about life.

I know I'm messed up; I know that I got attached to him too quickly. But to be honest I knew we always had something. Even before he became my professor, when he was still a student, I knew we had a thing right when we spoke. I knew he saw it too. Because our voices and actions just were made to talk to each other, our actions towards another sync in rhythm. I believed he was my soulmate. I believed that he was the only one for me. Even if we started as enemies. 

 Scar knew I was interested in him. She probably has an idea that everything I'm going through is about him, even though I haven't specifically said it was about him. And well Jay, he and I are totally different, we were kids back then. Even so from his point of view, I must have still worried him a lot. I feel so weak, and I hate it. Being vulnerable sucks. I'm not going to show much emotion for a while. I also know that next year or at least during the summer I have to fix myself. I need to start new. I also know that's what Z is thinking.

 Z... Yeah, Z that's what I'm going to be referring him as now Z. I take a knife from my bedside. I slid the knife against my inner left calf making it from a Z. Telling myself when that Z fades is the time, I move on for him. Although I made a couple more slashes on my outer right thigh because the feeling and look of the Letter Z made my eyes and mind hurt. I let the scars bleed for just a moment. I let the sting of the slashes make me feel something other than lost. I can't let anyone know about this, not Scar, not Jay, not anyone. I pour water from a water bottle on a towel that I had on my desk besides, that I had prepared for. Just in case something like this happens. I cleaned the blood off from my thigh and calf and traced the letter Z with my fingers. Thinking about him, thinking about the moments we had. Thinking about how he made me feel, how he makes me feel. I put bandages to cover the scars for the night, just so blood wouldn't get over my sheets as I slept.

When I woke, I took the bandages off. I again trace the Z that was carved on my left calf with my fingers softly against it. How long will it take, to get rid of this pain? To finally burn the pictures, we had taken together. How long will it take for me to move on from the presents that he had devilishly given to me? How long will it take for me to move on from this agony? How long is it going to take for me to accept him wanting to let go of us? I rolled my pant leg down and started to go on a cleaning spree around the house.

Scar arrived home after her work and her face made me smile as she looked around the house. "You cleaned?" She spoke as she saw me lying on the couch watching anime.

"Yeah" I answered not even looking up at her as I cuddled my fluffy gray blanket. She flopped next to me on the couch and embraced me as we both watched the anime.

"It'll take a while. But I know you're going to get through this Stella. You always do, '' she said. 

The next day I decide to finely turn in my photography assignment to Z, Professor Douche, Yeah, going back to his starter nickname. It'll somewhat help me move on; I think. 

 "STELLA!! Dance is in four days! I have already gotten our dress we ordered the other day" Scar said. I look up at her in realization. I couldn't wear the dress, not without some cover up. It sucked because it would have been even more beautiful, showing just enough skin, to make the guys go crazy.  "Don't worry, here we can slip this black long-sleeved cardigan, and I think your dress is long enough-" before she could finish her sentence, I interrupted her.  

"Good idea, but I'll also use black leggings, just because" I smile, as I realized that she still doesn't know that I had made new scars on me. Especially the carved Z.  She looks at me with worried eyes, and I sigh. "Don't worry, I'll be fine" I answered.    

"Ok... Either way, when you tried that dress on you looked amazing. You're going to look amazing no matter what" Scar gave me a small smile and left my room. I took a deep breath and took a look at the Z. I once again touch it gently to feel the scared and rough skin.  I picked up a book and started to read. I read until I feel asleep.  Dreaming about Zion. Hoping that, that would be the last time I would see him in my thoughts.  I want to stop making people feel like they need to take care of me. I want them to stop feeling the need to check up on me. I don't want them to see me so weak, so damn vulnerable, it's so annoying that I can't get over him quick enough. I just want to be with my friends and live the rest of my college life, somewhat normally.  What they say is true. Love is blind, love is pain, love is what makes you feel everything at once, it is what affects others. It is what makes others judge you. But most of all it effects how others view you. 

I dreamt of him and I touching once again.  Skin to skin, his voice whispering sweet nothings into my ear. "Aren't I just a devil, making a sweet angel like you, so flustered, taking our innocents away" he speaks, laughing at me. 

"Who said I was an angel?" I blush, yet still trying to act bold. "Maybe I'm the devil here, tricking you into thinking that I'm innocent" I laugh. We kiss, and cuddle, we stay peaceful, making each other giggle.  "Your far from being the devil Zi Zi" I laugh once again as he nuzzles my neck, while he lays on top of me. 

"Your right the Devil wishes he where me" he smirks and gives me kisses from my chest up. I moan in satisfaction. At least in my head. I didn't know until I woke up that having that dream made me cry. 

"How do others, outside of my friend group think of me?" I say out loud as I clean my tear marks off my face, looking at my reflection from the mirror.  A knock on the door snapped me back from reality.  "Hello?" I called out. 

"Hey" Jay said.

"Oh, Wha-" before I could say anything, Jay pins me to the bathroom sink, I'm trapped in between his arms. His already seen me as a mess. So, I'm not to flustered in being in a gray tank top and having stich Pj pants on.  I rest my arms on the bathroom sink forcing myself to make eye contact with him. 

"HIS GOING TO PAY GOT THAT! HE DOES NOT DESERVE THIS REACTIONS FROM YOU! HE DOES NOT DESERVE YOU!" He yells, braking eye contact he leans his head over my shoulder and, I can feel his heart pound on my chest, as he leans on me. "I'm sorry... I shouldn't yell... But his done it this time. Stella, you deserve the world, you deserve real love from others. You can't see what we see. But hopefully what I'm about to say, changes your point of view about yourself. And hopefully this gives you an idea on what we think. We love and care for you Stella, you are strong, caring, but most of all your so fucking stubborn, and I've always said that, that stubbornness would kill you. BUT FOR GODS SAKE DONT LET IT BE THIS SOON!" He raises his voice once again and holds onto both of my shoulders, leaving me speechless.  " You act tough, mean at times, but you are so caring, and you worry about others more than yourself. Which is part of your stubbornness" He embraces me and all I could do was embrace him back. I didn't cry, at least not yet. But Jay did, he cried. And thanks to him, I had a realization on why Z said he loved me. I had a realization on why my friends are my friends.  After that realization, that's when I cried, because it was another memory with Z, another hopeless, painful hope, that Z and I could be a thing. Another reason why I should try and move on. 

"Thanks Jay" I said, embracing him tightly. In a way, it did help me realize what others may think of me.