Challenge Accepted

21 Relapse

Stella's prospective

Photography Quote

"Clicking the shutter button helps capture many moments. We get to look back at them, either if it's laughing, crying, or relapsing the emotions the photographer is willing to share with the viewer" - (Author)

I finally decided I would try harder to focus on my friends, career, school, and mostly cleaning my mind. For three days and nights I finally was able to do that until I once again relapsed into my depression in silence. I cried once again but not as much as that day I knew I lost Zion. Although it was probably less than half of the tears that were lost that day. Today it was just a reminder of tears, quotes that took me back to memories that reminded me of the happiness I had with him. Z was really my life; he was the reason why I was looking forward to graduation. When I realized he would be my teacher I was honestly secretly happy. A Lot of people could tell. But I showed my hate more than I should.

I went to sleep, trying to get myself ready for the first day of summer vacation. Wondering if I should accept the Arizona chance or not. I have a week to decide with Scar, if we should really take the chance or not.

I dreamt a dream, a relapse, a memory. Something that felt so real, and it was. How can I have so many memories become a dream? Was I even asleep? Or was I just thinking with my eyes closed, picturing what Z and I had, whatever it was. I realized once again, what was it, what Z and I had? We never clarified it as a thing. But we knew it was. We knew it was complicated, but we felt so much more. Where are we enemies with benefits? Or what was it? We said that we loved each other. So what were we? Just complicated. Did he just use me for my body? Was I tricked into lust? Was it really love? Yes, I say out loud crying as I remember him and the moments we shared. It was love, it was just a complicated type of love. Whatever we were, I wished it didn't end so quickly. My mind wanders once again into depression as I think of Z. If it wasn't love, I wouldn't be heartbroken like this. I wouldn't be going into a depressive relapse about thinking about happy memories of us.

I wake up and it's 2:20pm. I scan my phone as soon as I wake up. I see that I missed a call from Jay a couple minutes ago. I called him back and after one ring he answered. "Hey" I said.

"Hi Stella," Jay replied.

"Sorry that I missed your call, I just woke up. " I answer back.

"It's fine. You just woke up? It's past two" he questions "how long did you stay at work?" He asked

"Around two am, I had some catching up to do. There were a lot of papers to deal with" I lied, the truth is I stayed in the office doing papers past 12. But stayed for about two more hours rethinking about my life choices. I just snapped back to reality when I realized the time.

"Can I ask you a question?" Jay ironically says, in a question. " It's personal, and you don't have to answer, you might already know what I'm about to ask" he says, hesitant to even ask the question he wants to ask. He wasn't wrong. I did have a knowing feeling about what he would ask me.

" I might have an idea, but I won't officially know what it is if you don't ask" I play my pain with sarcasm, my voice growing weak because I already have to fake being ok right when I've just woke up. Also, it being the first day of summer vacation. I haven't even gone to the bathroom yet, and that's usually one of the first things I do right when I wake up.

"Are you still drowning in your feelings?" He asks. It took me off guard. We both go silent at both ends for just a moment. I question if I should straight up tell him the truth or lie. So, I'm improvising, giving him an option, and stalling. As I think about what to say. Getting heartbroken just made my sarcasm worse. Although it mixes in with how I really feel, so is that even considered as sarcastic? If that's really how I feel?