Challenge Accepted

26 Brother

(Zion's Prospective)

Photography quote: "Don't shoot what it looks like. Shoot what it feels like."

David Alan Harvey

Shane is manipulative as hell, and I've always fallen for his stupidity. He is my big brother after all, as a kid I had to look up to him, now I still feel like I'm obligated to still look up to him. But I don't, I'm the one that looks after him, no matter the times I've told myself to give him another chance he disappoints. My ex is also one of the reasons he and I don't get along as much anymore. Fact is she cheated on me with him, used me to get to him and I feel for it, even if she said otherwise, during bed. But that one time she slipped up instead of calling my name she said he's and we both stopped, without another thought we both froze. I told myself I wouldn't trust any women ever again, not until I laid eyes on Stella. Even then she proved me right when she hurt me with words. Sure, I overreacted perhaps, but it still hurt, to think she would think that way about us, about me. How can't she see how much I care for her? I get I can be cruel but wasn't that our love language? The truth is what hunts me, yet she's all about that. And I still care for her Because of that quality she holds dearly to. I know how she works because I work similarly. Hurt can be resolved and solved in different ways. You can make people hurt by lying, telling the truth, and straight up manipulation. You can solve it by telling the truth, lying or ignoring the person. At least in my eyes. These aren't the best way, but they are options to stop oneself from getting hurt or hurting someone. At least that's what I thought up till now. I did all of these things and I still wind-up hurting Stella and myself. Was it just not meant to be? Was my brother, right? When he said I would die alone. Just because of how serious I am with my career, so what if I'm a workaholic, Stella loved that part of me... she was the only one who understood and accepted that part of me. So why am I doing this to her and I? Why would I jeopardize us? My fear of letting anyone else in overwhelmed me and I closed the doors and locked it up again. I'm blocking everyone out and it's all Because of my past trauma. My trust I put on my big brother, my trust I put on my ex and my parents. Everyone from the past that told me I could lean on, betrayed me. And in the end, I just repeated that. I gave them the joy of them accomplishing on breaking me, fucking up my life. I could have had a kid with Stella, I could have given her the necklace and sang her the song. All the presents I have for her are just going to be sitting in my room screaming at me from my mistakes. Love couldn't get any worse than this. Feeling broken and betrayed, worthless that Stella and I will never see each other again because of my decision. But isn't there a saying? That states that we have to love ourselves before we love someone else? So, shouldn't this be a good thing? Me working out my life, seeing where I fit in and then starting a new life? If fate really wants us together, we will bump into each other in the future. I pile and pile all these emotions till I can't anymore. I'll break down at night thinking about my past. My brain screams at me for being a terrible brother and partner. I don't deserve a relationship; I don't deserve being happy. Why am I even alive? I'm hurting, depressed, stressed, what more is there in life for me to do when Stella isn't going to be a part of my life? What more is there for me if I'm officially walking away from us? Do I even still care for her like I did? I'm barely living, I barely feel like I'm alive so why can't I just end it, why won't I just end it? If I don't deserve a future, why would I still try? I take out my pocketknife and start flipping it around, playing with it with one hand as I stare at my computer screen, staring at the dead bodies and evidence.

It's because of my work, it's because even if I don't feel worthy, I still impact at least one person's life, either if it's Stella or these kids' loved ones searching for justice. Something hits me, a black light bulb hovers over my head as soon as I look at my knife. "She didn't... " I look over our text and recall some words she said to me on call "I've done some stupid stuff" she says a couple times and I read over those words like it was a puzzle, just as if it where my job I screenshot them and put them together, pulling a Sherlock Holmes and realizing what she meant by all that. Did she... Did Stella try to kill herself? I look through the screenshots and remember her crying voice, I recall her words that made me teary, and I can't help but push my feelings down. If I say something she'd probably lie, and I don't want her to lie. Until we get our life straightened out, I can't mention anything. I can't mention the gut feeling that's telling me to ask. I turn off my computer as soon as I finish my research and article of the four teenager's deaths. My bed feels soft yet empty, my fantasies of Stella are fading and my gut, heart, and soul ache and sinks because we probably won't ever see each other again.

I wonder if my brother, my ex and every past person who betrayed me didn't do what they did to me. Would I have kept Stella beside me? Would I have moved for my career? Would have I been so invested in my job that I ignored everyone and everything? Instead of sleep? I'm laying down asking myself questions after questions, I'm blaming songs that tell me to shut up and let my emotions out. Before you know it, I'm asleep with cold tears frozen on my cheeks, slowly running down, escaping my eyes as the fan blows towards me.

Months past

You'd think she was done with me up until my birthday, I didn't even wish her a happy birthday, but she took this as a way to send one last text to me.

.

Happy birthday, this is going to be my last time reaching out for a while. I'll stop bothering you. I promise I won't do it anymore and you know me and my promises, at least you used to. We didn't get most of the answers between us. But I'm going to push it all down now, that's how much I care about you, that's how much I want you and only you to be happy. I'd just hoped you told me sooner so I could have ended it sooner instead of holding onto hope that was never there. Just know you're the one that left. I'm still here like I promised. One day I want to give you, your gifts I've saved up for you, but for now goodbye and good luck.

I didn't reply, I should have, but if she wants to call me out like that, then challenge accepted, I'll play that game. Who am I kidding? I have been playing that game. I didn't feel good about winning, about not giving in to Stella fully. It was always waiting for the right moment and it's still going to continue if I don't get my shit together.

So, I took her challenge and tried my best to get my shit together, before I could look her in the eye or shoot her a text, or even hear her voice or read anything from her. I need to find the me that I can be, the me that can make her feel comfortable and let loose so she can be her true self, without holding back.