Challenge Accepted

24 Logic and reassurance

Zions perspective

Photography quote:

"Photography is the story I fail to put into words."

– Destin Sparks

(A month past)

A call from an unknown user made my heart skip beats. I let it ring for a while, not knowing if I should answer but also realizing it's about time, I suck in my breath and exhale, hopping for some reassurance and having this heavy weight on my chest escape. "Hello" I answered, sounding a little confused. Silence settles as I take in, realizing who it was.

"Hey, it's me". The woman's voice seemed shocked.

"What's up" I added, acting cool.

"Do you know who this is? "The voice spoke again, curious.

"Julie?" I answer innocently.

"Wha-n-no-who... we need to talk, just don't hang up please. If you're really going to do this, just give me at least five minutes max of your time. I have three choices for you to choose. I'm not meaning to sound demanding, I just want to know where we stand for both of our sakes. One we talk right here right now. Two, we pick another time SOON. And talk later. Or lastly, we talk in person. I need to know if we really had something or if it was just lust and not love to you. If it wasn't anything to you, I need you to tell me you never loved and cared for me. That for the past months you have not thought about me or came close to calling me. I want you to either tell me you cried looking back at us. wanting us back. Or say you never thought of me at all. Tell me that your done for good or if we still have a chance at least of being friends. If you really want to end this, I need to know so I can force myself to get over the hurt. Because the I love You's, hope for the future that we would be official one day and the happiness I had with you are now memories that bring me pain. I need to know if in time we actually are going to be friends and talk again. Or if you're saying goodbye and you were just another person who promised me everything and is going to break them. I want to know if you are just another person who was meant to break me, so I could learn a lesson. I really want to communicate about this. Because I really want the truth, you didn't even hesitate to ghost me and not listen to what I had to say. So please at least give me this one thing I'm asking you. 1, 2, or 3 I called you because I think this could give us both reassurances, to finely know what we are, because even when we talk, we didn't even know what we were 100%"

She cried as she spoke, making me feel emotions that made me feel lost and hurt. I felt mushy and everything just came crashing, making me cry. " I have been thinking about you, I do miss you, I'm sorry that I overreacted. I do really care for you" I say in a soft voice trying to hold my tears back. I hear a shaky, breathy, gasp that made me shiver.

" Really? ", she says I hear her happiness and it makes me smile

"Yeah... you just said you wouldn't treat me like that, and well, you know my past" my voice gets shy, and I let out a sigh as I hear her apologize.

"Did you block me?" She asked

"No, I couldn't, I thought about it, but I just couldn't do that" I replied. As we talked, I realized how much we both missed each other. At one point we both laughed at the fact that Stella was crying and me saying that I missed the way she was, which is true. I do so much miss her. I missed her so, so much. Finely when things settled down, I told her we could call tomorrow. But that tomorrow passed. Same goes for the tomorrow after that. I got nothing from her. She finally texted me a couple of days after re scheduling, but that day didn't work either. Realizing our tomorrows and today's and laters are different, I felt off again. This isn't going to work, is It? I had moved to Arizona and got even more busy; in a way it was a good distraction from my mind. But now I just feel numb and confused. No matter how much we want to work this out, something is going to go wrong.

Weeks on end she would text me trying to schedule a time for us to talk to one another, even though we haven't been able to talk. On and off and on and off and I'm always busy, they weren't kidding about being a pro photojournalist. I preferred just being a photographer. I at least had somewhat of a time to myself. This schedule is so unpredictable. I actually enjoyed teaching photography better than any of this stress. I'm actually thinking about going back as a teacher after this project.

I get ready for the next shooting for the paper and take deep breaths to prepare me for the sight I'm about to capture. I used to do plenty of shooting similar to the ones I am now with my brother, but this is more extreme than the dead body's i've took photos of. This are dead body's that have been raped, burned to death, murdered, spray caned, stomped on, I can go on and on how brutal this can get. This war is a street war and all of them are teenagers. Some 8 year old's got caught in the middle of the highschoolers battling out, just because they live nearby.

When I get to the aftermath of each death, I stay frozen holding my camera. It's gotten worse, more teens are shown dead, today there's four. Red spray is on their bodies with the words "die" over them. I wasn't kidding when I said this job was dangerous, where all going undercover as this. Fake names, fake IDs, fake clothes, address everything all made up. We just camouflage as police officers or civilians. We go at night to shoot for a reason, re locate the bodies to the morgue to take photos for evidence. Then go back to the sense and spot suspicious structures and take photos for more evidence. It sounds complicated and it is. I don't know why I got myself into this. I do actually, I took it because I hoped it would take Stella off my mind. Some events did but in the end of the day I had her on my mind. She never left the memories with her just stayed behind. After teaching kids to do photography, this job opened and it pays well, not like I don't have the money, but my brother was convincing enough, that I had to take this. But I guess it affects my ability to talk to her, I do feel guilty about that. I want to give her the attention I used to give her. I want to give her even more attention, to be with her, to hold her without any boundaries, any chained door that led me to not being able to open it. I want to find that key and be able to make her happy. But it's hard, because I overthink as much as she does. I wonder how she's doing, what she's been thinking?