A Heart Full of Stars ★ Obi-Wan Kenobi

Chapter 15

He sat at the front of the ship with Koral and Lett because, as much as he hated her, Koral was the only person he really knew in this place. She paid no attention to him, but Lett was peppering him with questions.

-Leave him alone, Padawan. You can see you're annoying him," Koral said as Lett made Obi-Wan tell him about his 36th mission alone.

She was right, he couldn't take any more of the young man's questions, but he refused to admit that Koral was right.

-No, on the contrary, I'm happy to chat a little," he replied, staring at Koral defiantly.

She let out a small, haughty laugh and turned back to the ship's controls.

-Can you tell me about the day you killed Darth Maul?" Lett asked with unbridled enthusiasm.

The memory of Qui-Gon's death flashed through Obi-Wan's mind and he suddenly stood up and rushed from the room. He could see the Sith apprentice slashing his master with his red saber, and he watched helplessly. He felt so responsible for Qui-Gon's death, even now, almost eleven years later. He sat on the cold floor at the back of the ship, somewhere no one could see him, and he looked at the wall in front of him, trying to think of something else. This place oppressed him, he felt the gaze of Koral and his friends on him all the time, reminding him that he had betrayed his friend. It was true, he was a traitor, he didn't belong here. Why had Windu been so insistent that he accompany Koral and his team?

He heard footsteps coming closer and Koral came. She slid down beside him and pulled out a flask, took a sip, and handed it to Obi-Wan.

-You're drinking now?" he asked, looking at the object but not taking it.

-It's gooseberry juice.

He took the flask and took a sip, swallowing with a grimace.

-It's not all gooseberry juice in it either, but that's what it is," she said.

He looked at her in amazement. She never ceased to surprise him. The Koral he knew was full of life, innocent, smiling, while the young woman next to him seemed consumed by remorse, constantly looking for a good fight to let off steam. She reminded him of snow, beautiful but so cold. For yes, Koral was beautiful. Before, Obi-Wan might have said she was quite pretty, but she had grown up to be one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen. Her blue eyes, strewn with grey spots, were always pale; but they came alive with vivid outpourings of joy or pain when the past was evoked. He liked it when her eyes filled with a glow of happiness when she heard the words "it could be dangerous". Koral loved danger, she loved to bet her life every moment and win. She never shied away from a threat, she never seemed afraid of anything; but that was just an image she gave herself. Obi-Wan knew that she was afraid of abandonment, of failure. She was afraid of no longer being the best, no longer being loved, cherished, admired. And that, Obi-Wan was sure, was something only he knew, for Koral would never admit to having any weaknesses. She wanted to be strong, brave, perfect, that was her weakness, and Obi-Wan knew it from those eyes, so expressive, so cold, and yet always with a fire in them. He had convinced himself that only he could read Koral's eyes, behind all her mysteries.

Obi-Wan's gaze continued to wander unobtrusively over Koral's harmonious face. She had sinuous, attractive lips, painted with a ruddy lipstick that gave them a crazy sense of violence. Koral didn't want to look soft, she wanted to be impressive at first sight; but Obi-Wan had been watching Koral for years, and he was still impressed. He liked the light brown, bobbed hair that wrapped around her face, he liked the pale neck that fell into muscular shoulders, one of which was marked with a large cross-shaped scar. He liked the small moon drawn in black ink on her protruding collarbones. He liked her arms, covered with the traces of distant battles and the one surrounded by a snake that seemed to stare at him with its deep black eyes. He liked the way she rejected the usual Jedi garb and wore what she liked, which pleased her the most.

-Do you really hate me?" he asked, overcome with dismay at having lost the only person who had ever truly shown him affection.

Koral was a star, no, a supernova that shone brightly and drew all who approached it into its orbit. She was a cataclysmic explosion of intelligence, of beauty, of happiness, of laughter, of melancholy, of love; and Obi-Wan had not spent a single second without regretting losing her. He loved her so much, and he hated her so much. She was his flaw, and he couldn't forgive her for that. The dark side of the force hovers over all those who surrender to their feelings. Attachment was forbidden, but it was uncontrollable.

-No, hate is a feeling that leads to the dark side. But I will never be your friend again. I can't trust you anymore, I can't even look into your eyes without being assailed by the memories of Siri's death and the fight. Your eyes remind me only of your look of rage, of accusation... Never have I felt more betrayed than at that moment, Obi-Wan. I needed your support, not for you to blame me for what I now realize was an accident. No matter how many times you apologize, you could fall at my feet and beg for forgiveness, I will never trust you again. You betrayed me and it was only out of love that I didn't turn you in.

This tirade reminded Obi-Wan why he hated her so much. Because she was right. She stood up and took off at a brisk pace, but he jumped to his feet and grabbed her wrist to hold her back. He broke free of her grip without difficulty and stared at him coldly.

-Did you love me?" he asked in a trembling voice.

-Of course, I did. But I didn't care to see you with Siri. I knew she was only temporary, while I would be with you and Anakin until the end of us or the Jedi Order. But you saw me as a little girl, you thought your role was to protect me, and that's why I stood up to you so much back then. But I didn't care about your relationship with Siri. I didn't kill Siri out of jealousy. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and I can only blame you for blaming me for her death. I defended myself, she couldn't do the same. But you, you put a woman you had vaguely known in your childhood, and whom you had found again a few days ago, before your best friend whom you had sworn to defend. I understood very well that you didn't love me, and I don't care what you think. Yes, attachment is forbidden, yes, I am a bad soldier, but you don't have to teach me anything.

-Wow," said a voice behind Koral, who suddenly turned around.

-Maoya! Since when are you here?

-I just got here, don't worry. I just heard the part about you being a bad soldier. You've fallen for a guy again, haven't you? It's not Kenobi, is it?

-Kenobi?" Koral snarled.

What a good actress," Obi-Wan thought.

-I'm just kidding. I was just coming to warn you that we'll be there in ten minutes.

Koral left with Maoya towards the front of the ship without giving Obi-Wan a last look.