Frogs

SIX

Shana and I helped the guys clean up some more before leaving. And I can't wait to wash the smell of the party off me.

"You made out with Chris Cornell," Shana remembers as she keeps her eyes on the road.

"We kissed," I clarify. I sing along to Pearl Jam's Jeremy, that's currently blasting on the radio.

"Do you know how many women would sacrifice themselves to be kissed by him?"

"That's sad," I said sarcastically. "It's not like I expected him to kiss me or anything. I was singing to him, and then next thing I know-"

"Excuse me, you what?" Shana gasps as she stops at a red light. Her wide eyes stare at me in shock.

"I sang Donna Summer to him," I tell her, embarrassment washing over me again.

Shana slowly sinks into her seat but quickly regains focus when the light turns green.

"And when's the wedding?"

"Stop," I laugh, shaking my head.

"Come on, you two would make a cute couple," Shana pleads.

"You think so?"

"Hell yeah! You're hot. He's hot. Trust me; he needs a Black woman by his side."

"Don't they all?" I joke. "And he has a girlfriend remember...I shouldn't be worried about dating anyway," I add, dismissing the idea.

"Who says you have to date? Fuck! Have fun!"

"I'm too sensitive for that," I admit. 

"Okay, Miss old-fashioned."

"Not hooking up is old-fashioned?"

"Yes, you need to get in the times."

Rolling my eyes, I leaned forward and reached for the knob, raising the volume. Sing to me, Eddie!

~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~

The phone is ringing off the hook once Shana and I step into the apartment. She hurries to the phone as I go towards my room.

I untie my heels and kick them off my feet. I sadly gave Layne his flip-flops back to him, knowing it would have been creepy if I tried to steal them. Ready to get my butt in the shower, I undress until I'm only in my bra and underwear and look for a fresh set of clothes to wear.

"Drea, it's ya mom!" Shana yells from the living room.

Oh, God.

I breathe before shutting my dresser and walking out of my room. Shana gives me an apologetic look before passing me the phone.

"Hey, ma," I tried to sound as cheerful as possible but to tell you the truth, I am nervous as hell. Ever since...you know...it's been awkward between my mother and me.

"Didn't I tell you to call me when you got there?" Eh, I know that voice. I stole something, and she's demanding an answer as to why.

"I'm sorry. Everything slipped my mind once I landed," I tried to laugh off.

"It still would have been nice to hear from you."

"I know..." I sigh, feeling guilty. Mothers are always good at that. Quickly, I try to change the subject. "I like it here, though."

"That's good. I hope this move will be good for you."

"Yeah, me too....Shana's apartment is beautiful. I wish you could see it. Maybe you can come up to visit sometime? It's rainy here, but I think you would like it. "

"...How are you feeling?" My mother then asks me, a slight nervousness in her tone.

"Good...I'm good. What about you?"

She ignores my questions and asks, "You thought about calling that doctor?"

"No," I sighed, sulking my body into the couch. 

"I thought-" My mother begins.

"I don't need to talk to anybody...I'm fine."

"You don't try to hang yourself and then end up fine like nothing happened."

I close my eyes, and it's like I'm again in the bathroom in Boston. The belt is around my neck. Pressure builds in my head; a ringing strikes my ears. The longest minute ever until my mother found me, just like this phone call. I open my eyes and take a slow, careful breath.

"What do you want me to say?" I whisper into the phone, not wanting Shana to hear.

"I just want you to be okay. I just keep seeing you...hanging there," she sucks in a breath.

My eyelids droop heavily, and I want to hang up. I feel my body limp up again. Mmh floating. I miss that floating feeling. Maybe the pain was worth it.

"We don't have to talk about it," I say after the feeling gets a little too overwhelming.

"I feel like I need to."

"Maybe you should talk to someone," I suggest coldly. My eyes shut in pain. I knew she would have popped my mouth if I were in front of her.

A moment of tense silence passes between us. I want to say sorry but I can't.

"Give the phone back to Shana," She demands sternly. But then I hear her sniff a second later.

I motion for Shana to come over from the kitchen and hand the phone to her.

Shana gives me a concerned look, bringing the phone to her ear. "Yes?... Yes, I'm keeping an eye on her."

"Tell my mother I love her," I tell Shana before getting up from the couch and walking back to my room. I shut my door.

~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~

The talk with my mother made me feel like I was choking again. I don't know, but I feel like suicide shouldn't be discussed over the phone.

Still, in my panties and bra, I lay in my bed. I thought of the party last night to distract my mind from my eventful past.

I wonder what Chris felt before he kissed me. What would have happened if I had let him bring me home?

Even though I met him yesterday in my drunk state, I still remember his beautiful smile...and lips. Nobody ever took a kiss from me before...nobody ever wanted me before. Maybe I am lucky. I went from a girl who tried to kill herself to being kissed at a party by a hot guy.

Mmh. And then there's Layne.

I wonder how Layne's lips would feel like against mine. He looks like he would taste like cigarettes. But not in a disgusting way.

I let out a deep sigh, craving to be kissed again. No, just to be touched, held, and wanted. I know it wouldn't fix me, but it'll help distract the dark thoughts inside of me.

Maybe.