Frogs

THIRTY-ONE

Heavy knocks pound on Shana's and my apartment door. Who the hell is knocking like the cops? I sigh as I get up from my bed and walk out of my bedroom to open the door.

"This better be important," I say to myself as I open the door. Layne stands in front of me, a look on his face I have never seen better. And I immediately remember what I found at his apartment.

"Where is it?" is all he says. His forehead filled with sweat, and anger frightened me.

"Where's what?" I ask, trying to be clueless. Nope, I don't know what he's talking about. Everything is going so good.

"Andrea," Layne sighs.

"I flushed it," I quickly say. And the look in his eyes scares me. Fear shoots up my back as I run to the bathroom and lock the door.

"Open the door," Layne says in a haunting deep voice, twisting and jigging the door knob.

"No!" I say through the door. He grunts as he continues to try to get in. Everything was going so good. Everything was going so good. "Layne, stop it!" I yell again before everything goes quiet.

Closing my eyes, I exhale slowly through my mouth and count to 100 before opening the door. Layne is nowhere in sight. Did he leave? My legs shake as I begin to walk toward my bedroom. There he is. With my bedroom door wide open, Layne sits on my bed, his eyes closed with his hands on his knees.

Scared, I stand frozen in the doorway.

"I'm not going to hurt you," he says, opening his eyes but not looking at me.

"You scared me."

"...I know... I'm sorry," Layne says, finally looking up.

".... I'm sorry for throwing your stuff away," I shamefully apologize. Layne doesn't say anything. "....How long have you been....using it?"

Layne shrugs and runs a hand down his face. I'm not sure what to do. I don't know where to go. Does he even want me near him? He leans forward, his hands covering his face.

"Can you please come here?" he says through his hands.

I carefully walk to him, the silence giving me a headache. I sit on the bed beside him. Words were stuck on my tongue. I have never been in a situation like this before. Has he been high around me before?

"I'll pay you back," I tell him, not knowing what else to say.

Layne laughs dryly, "You really think I'm worried about money?" I feel my hand jump, wanting to touch his. "....you wasn't supposed to see that. You wasn't..." he sighs, shaking his head. "....you're innocent. You're the only sober person in my life. It feels like you were made for me?" he says, though it came out as a question rather than a statement. I smile and look at him. Layne is already staring at me, searching for understanding. Not knowing how to respond to his vulnerability, I nod with the same smile painted on my lips. He lets out a small exhale. "I feel like I just fucked everything up." I shake my head, but Layne doesn't see. "I'm so fucked up."

His words are like a bucket of ice water. I feel so bad. So bad. I feel so bad for my baby. "If you're worried about me breaking up with you, I'm not...I love you."

"I love you too," Layne says with a quick smile.

".... I'm fucked up too."

Layne shakes his head, "You're perfect."

"You think I'm perfect, the same way I think you're perfect," I laugh but then...my mind betrays me. I imagine him. Layne. My baby using. It. I want to hold him. I want to wrap him in my arms and never let go. "I love you," I tell him again as my throat tightens.

"I love you, Andrea." Layne's big blue eyes chokes and holds me, closing my throat. To never, ever, ever let go of my baby. My baby has seen so much. I have to protect him.

"I don't want anything to happen to you." A sob I was trying to hold escapes through my lips.

"Nothing is going to happen to me."

"It will if you keep messing with that stuff," I whisper as Layne wipes my tears away with his thumbs.

"You don't understand," he whispers back.

"I'm in love with you," I remind him as I stare deeply into his eyes. "I will understand."

"I'm not sure if you can...."

I back up, scoffing at his words. "...You don't want me to." He doesn't say anything. "You want me to marry you, but you don't want me to understand?"

"Andrea..."

"I'm not doing it. I'm not going to marry you," I say as I fold my arms.

Layne stares hard at me. Not angry but in disbelief. "What?"

I shoot up from the bed, missing Layne's grab as I walk out of my room.

"Andrea," he says again, standing up as well. "You're not serious," he tries to laugh off as he follows behind me.

Ignoring him, I head towards the only place I can lock myself in; the bathroom. 

Layne stops me, grabbing my elbow and turning me around to face him. "You're not going to marry me?"

He stares at me like I've told him the worst news ever. Damn, I feel so bad. But I hold my ground.

"Are you going to keep using it?"

Layne groans as he releases his grip on me. "I don't want to."

"Then stop!" I yell, my voice quivering.

"You don't understand," he stresses again, raising his voice slightly.

"I'm trying to," I plead as I stare into the blue water.

And then I remember. I remember the feeling. I felt you again last night; how could I forget? It makes you feel good...forget all the bad shit... doesn't it? I shut my eyes and twist my head from side to side slowly. I forgot about you for a second. I'm sorry.

Opening my eyes, I look up at Layne. The blue water. I don't want them ever ever to get polluted.

"I don't want to keep using...but it's hard," he says. His eyes searched mine for a minute. Then he looks down, "In the dream, you wanted to stay...I should have listened to you."

And all our problems will go away? Right? Like how I thought in my dream?

I give Layne a small smile as I stare into his eyes, still disappointed that he remembered. But he wants it. He wants too. To run away with me. Run far from this world. Maybe we still can. Maybe tonight? If our bodies let us...

Looking down, I grab Layne's hand and play with his thumb's fingernail. But will it be better? Will we be okay if we run? I sway my head, knowing the truth.

No.