"You're the only sober person in my life. It feels like you were made for me?" he says, though it came out as a question rather than a statement.
I smile and look at him. Layne is already staring at me, searching for understanding. Not knowing how...
My nerves have been on edge since Layne's persistent proposal. It's been two weeks since he first asked me. And I mean, of course, I want to be with him. I want us to be forever. But...I don't know. I don't know. I want the timing to be correct. It has to be right. But don't get me wrong! The anticipation is nice. Very nice. Unbelievable actually. Someone wants to marry me. Someone wants to be with me. Forever.
Despite the nerves, I can't wait to see him tonight. Layne and I are having a double date night with the forever-entertaining Mike and Shana.
Finally finished getting dressed, I look at my outfit in the full-body mirror hammered to the back of my bedroom door;
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The reflection of the moon glancing at me from the mirror catches my eye. Turning my neck, I stare at my closed window before stepping closer. The wind blows strong as I unlock and open the window. Hearing the rushed sweetness, I lift the screen. The moon loses my interest as I go to peek my head, inhaling the wet Seattle air. Looking down from the 11th floor, the street is empty. Streetlights shine like sparkling diamonds, waiting for me to pick them up and explore. I imagine cars speeding fast and people walking the sidewalk like veins, carrying the lifeblood of a body.
Besides Shana getting herself ready in her room, there's no one here to stop me or question my actions. What if I just...I lean forward, letting my upper body hang out a little. I hear the wind before a wave of cool air hits my face. I shouldn't be seen doing this. I shouldn't be doing this at all. But the air feels so good. And the fall would be quick. So I hear and see on TV.
Hmmm.
Shana would be devastated, but she's strong. Layne would be heartbroken, but he will find someone else. What the hell are you talking about? He wants to marry you! He doesn't want anybody else...And my mother...what about my mother? Fuck. This is what she feared....me moving here and trying again. And Terri...She won't remember me. So I guess I have that.
Shana loves me, and I love her. Mommy loves me, and I love her. Terri loves me, and I love her. Layne loves me, and I love him.
The wind picks up, sucking me in and out. Make up your mind. I could jump. I could fly. I want to go with Layne and fly. To die and be alive at the same time. If only that were mentally, physically, and spiritually possible. Weren't you happy?
Wasn't I happy? There's something wrong with me. There has to be.
"I'm so happy," I remind myself.
I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy.
The wind blows another heavy pull and carries me away from my room. Closing my eyes, I feel my body turn in the air until I am on my back, like an airy swimming lesson. And I feel the fall. And I feel the pain as the air burns my legs. But I don't scream. I focus on a star. Can I fly to it?
