Frogs

THIRTY-TWO

I stare at Layne's creased brows as he sleeps. It's Sunday morning, and Layne and I spent yesterday talking...about everything. I should really pay attention to his songs more. Am I really that clueless? It was all there...he laid it out for me, and his voice just hypnotized me. Did Shana know? Not that it would have changed my feelings for him, but if so, why didn't she tell me?

But I still couldn't tell him....about what I did. I feel so guilty about him being so vulnerable to me and me not giving one ounce back. He told me so much...

I sigh, continuing to look at him. My poor baby. I really hope he doesn't use it again. It's not like he promised he wouldn't or anything, but...he said he would try. Try. Try? Will he really try? For me? For him?

It's so hard,...he told me.

Scooting closer to him, I lean my forehead on his chest. Usually, he would have woken up by my many movements by now. But he's in a deep sleep. He deserves it.

I sniff his radiating heat, remembering our first encounter. Being in a relationship was the last thing I thought would happen to me when I moved to Seattle. I was so sad before I met him. Yes, I want to escape with him, but thoughts of dying haven't floated in my brain in weeks. That's a first. It's interesting how someone could be your anxiety medicine...I need to take him every morning.

How can a person, a simple man be so useful to me? Heal me? What is he?

I'm happy. I saw frogs, and I'm happy. But why do I still feel horrible? Like I'm not as innocent as Layne thinks I am. I want to tell him. Fuck, why is it so hard for me to tell him?

I didn't know I could fall in love until I fell in love with him. Dying doesn't seem so pleasing anymore if I'm not with him. And if he dies? I squeeze my eyes, not wanting to think about it. Nope nope, nope.

"Layne," I whisper, testing. I listen to his breath flow in and out of his body. Leaning back from his chest, I look at him. "Layne," I say again.

"Mmmh." I smile at his grunt. Okay, I shouldn't bother him anymore; I giggle before getting up from the bed. "Where are you going?" Layne asks, his voice coated in sleep. His eyes are still closed; his lips parted slightly as he waits for my answer.

'I have to pee," I tell him.

Layne finally opens his eyes, "I have to pee too."

"Copycat," I laugh, sitting back down. "You go first, then." Layne shakes his head as he shuts his eyes. I gasped as I watched him start to get comfortable again. "Come on. I don't want you peeing on my bed."

"When have I ever peed on your bed?" he laughs. "Wait, don't make me laugh," he then groans, holding his crotch.

"Layne, get up!" I yell through laughter, trying to push him off my bed.

"Babe, all I need is a bottle."

"Layne!"

"Okay, okay," he says, finally surrendering. I shake my head at him as he gets up.

This damn man. Layne chuckles as he winks at me, rubbing one of his eyes as he leaves my room.

And if he dies? My mind questions again. Shut the fuck up! But my face can't help but crumble. Hold yourself together, girl.

I grip the edge of my comforters as our conversation from yesterday spreads out in my mind. It's not fair...for someone like him to be hurting. If there was a way...somehow, for all of his pain to be transported to me...I will take it all in a heartbeat. I don't mind. Not when it comes to him.

I successfully wipe away my tears, hearing Layne's footsteps. He enters my room, jumping on my bed.

I giggle at his relaxed face but then remember a question I forgot to ask him yesterday; "Are you going to get sick?"

"Sick?"

"Because of..."

Layne shakes his head, looking away from me as he responds, "I haven't been using it like that." I nod, though, not really understanding. "....are we okay?" Layne then asks. "I know yesterday was a lot, but... we're okay, right?"

"We good, bro," I giggle, trying to lighten the air. Gotta stop with this sad shit. Layne scoffs, making a face at my bro comment. "Why, bro?" I ask, referring to the face.

"I'm not ya, bro," he says, reaching for my palm.

"Why not, bro?" I ask with the same giggle. However, relaxing as Layne's fingertips stroked my palm.

"Since when do you fuck your bro?"

"Ewww."

"Exactly," Layne laughs.

Hmmm, which reminds me! I lean over to my dresser and pull one of the drawers open. Layne watches me as I pull out my birth control and swallow a pill.

"What's that?" he asks.

"Pills that help prevent you from becoming my baby daddy." Layne laughs, and I see him about to respond with something smart. "Anyways, it's Sunday."

"I know," Layne smiles.

I squint my eyes; I knew he wouldn't remember. Hmmm, maybe I should surprise him?

"Anything you want to do today?"

"I kinda wanna dye my hair."

My eyes widen at his response, "To what?"

"I'm thinking pink."

Awww, that's cute.

"Can I help you?"

"Help? You're doing it," he laughs, sitting up to kiss me.

~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~~

Knowing I wouldn't have enough time to cook by the time Layne got back from the store, I decided to order some Italian food. And Luckily, it was delivered quickly.

Where the hell is this man? I think as an hour passed. Layne went to the store to get some pink dye and whatever else he needed for his beautiful hair.

Damn, I hope he's not....ugh, to scratch off this anxiety, I finish setting up the table and try my best to make everything look nice and romantic.

As I finish plating our food, the door knob jiggles, and Layne walks in. I give him a soft smile as he looks around, confused.

"Oh," he says. "You still wanted to do this?"

"Of course."

Layne looks down at me as I take the bag from his hand. I watch his nostrils flare.

"It smells good in here," he then says, licking his lips. "But uh, I'm not dressed for this," he laughs.

"Me either," I say, setting the bag on the counter.

"But you still look beautiful," he smiles.

"And you look fine as hell, so let's eat," I laugh, pulling him toward his seat.

I move to the seat across from him, excited to fill my belly. Grabbing my fork, I look up at Layne, who seems to be struggling with a thought.

"You're not hungry?" I ask him.

"No, I am. I-I," he sighs. "I can't believe I forgot about our date."

"It's okay," I say, smiling at him. Yesterday was a lot.

Layne shakes his head, picking up his fork, "We're gonna have to do this again."

I watch him dig in for a moment before nodding.

"Okay," I whisper. Ugh, I'm so damn sensitive.

"I'm sorry," Layne says, reaching for my hand across the table. His fingers rub my knuckles before stopping at my frog ring. The pad of his fingertips plays with it.

I nod again, attempting a smile, "...it's okay."