Secret Love Song

The One Where She Comes Out

I remember watching Shark Tale as a little girl. It used to be my favorite movie. My mom would pick it up at a Blockbuster on her way home from work, and we'd watch it while eating the Chinese food delivered to our apartment.
It was sort of our small tradition. 

Things between my mom and me were already getting weird back then.
She'd spent most nights out working, or at least that's what she told me, but nowadays I'd give that a second thought.
I would take the bus to school, and I would take the bus on the way home, and usually, I would call some restaurant on the phone. The fridge was filled with publicity magnets, so I would choose a number to call and I would order dinner with the money she would leave on the counter every morning.
I didn't see her as much as I'd like, but when she did get home at a reasonable time, she'd rent Shark Tale and we'd eat together.
Honestly, I cherished those moments with everything I had. 

But they stopped. Like every bit of sunlight in my relationship with her, they only lasted so long.
Yet, the thing is, I don't think I'll ever forget why. It's engraved in my brain, and even when I'm not actively remembering it, I really do think the rest of my life after that was spent just reliving that moment. Over, and over, and over again. 

My favorite scene from that movie was when he was gambling and this girl showed up. She was sexy and glamorous, and feminine in a mysterious way. Of course, she was a fish, but I was seven so it doesn't make sense to judge me over that. 
She was my first crush. 
And I wanted to share that exciting moment with my mom since we didn't really share anything else. 

So I told her: "I like her," I pointed at the screen, excited. 
"What was that, honey?"
"I like her," I glanced at her and I swear I could see the desperation in her eyes. Which had me thinking: why? Should I not have said that? 
"What do you mean you like her?"
"I mean, I like her," I repeated, "she gives me butterflies, and I love this scene because I get to see her walking like she's on a runway. She looks really good, and I kinda wish it lasted longer."

She kneeled by my side and grabbed my face, sweetly. Her eyes were filled with tears, and I could feel her hands shaking on my cheeks. I had said something wrong, and I had made her upset. The more upset I had ever seen her, because, she wasn't screaming at me, she was loving me, more than she ever had, and she was crying. I didn't understand.
"What? What did I say?" I choked. 
"Listen, baby. I need you to promise that you will never say something like that again. I know you're sweet and loving, and that you would never hurt anyone. But not everyone is like you. And I can't have you spending the rest of your life the way I know you will spend it if you say that again. I need you to promise you won't say that you like girls."
"Mom, what's wrong with liking girls?" suddenly tears were flushing down my face. 
She chuckled softly. "Nothing. Absolutely nothing. But not everyone feels that way, and the world can be a scary place, so like I said: if you ever like a girl, don't say it. Keep that to yourself," she kissed me, "mommy loves you, and needs you safe, okay?" 

All I knew was that she was crying, I was crying, and the moment was ruined.
I didn't even hesitate. I promised her. I just wanted to make her happy again. I wanted our moment back, but it never happened. She never rented Shark Tale again.
I get where my mother was coming from, but come on, man, I was seven fucking years old. 
It ruined my life.
Like I said, over, and over, and over again.

******

I was at home alone watching Criminal Minds when I got a call from Valen.
"Hey, what's up?"
"Hey," she mumbled softly. I think she was crying.
"What's going on? Are you okay?" I shifted in place. For some reason, the idea of Valen in pain brought me pain. A knot settled in my throat. 
"I'm- are you in the building?"
"Yeah. You want me to come over?"
"No!" she freaked out. What was going on?
"Okay, it's okay. Where are you?"
"I'm in the lobby."
"I'm coming."

She was crying. I glanced at Pedro and he shrunk his shoulders. 
"Hey, hey," I sat on the couch with her and held her in my arms. She quickly sank her face into my t-shirt. And it was kind of gross because she was damping it, but I didn't want to let her go. Ever. 
"It's okay. You're okay. I'm here," I brushed her hair with my fingers. It was softer than I imagined. After giving her some time, I gently grabbed her face, looked into her eyes (they had never shone so hard), and asked her what was wrong. 
She whipped her tears, sat down straight, and only after taking a deep breath, she began: "you know that friend of yours, right?" 
"Naomi?" 
"I don't really know her name," her face convulsed in a side-to-side motion, and her shoulders kind of winced. "The blond one."
"Yes. Naomi. What about her?" I couldn't think of any situation Naomi could be involved with. 
"It's not really about her, I mean- it's not even about where I'm trying to get here, but-" she articulated the sentence in a chaotic and fast manner, and it reminded me of the day we met. 
"Calm down. Breathe." 
She took a deep breath in, and out. 
"Okay. Try again. It's all right, everything's fine, I'm here, and you're not going through this alone anymore."
"I saw you with her the other day," I'm convinced I went pale. An inexplicable tension settled on my jaw, and one of my teeth chipped another one; which hurt, but I played it cool because I didn't want her to worry about something else. "You were kissing..." she paused, "and- I guess what I'm trying to say is- more like ask is- how does it feel like?"
"What?"
"Kissing a girl. Specifically, having the courage to kiss a girl."

Out of the million possibilities I contemplated, this was definitely not one. The plausibility caught me off guard. Could she actually be trying to say what I think she's trying to say?
"What do you mean? I'm sorry, Valen, but I don't understand your question."
"I think I'm gay," she voiced, spilling it out like a bad drink. 
At first, I was shocked. Then, a tiny flame of hope lit inside me. But then, I recalled how much pain I used to be in. How much pain I still sort of am for being who I am, for not fully understanding it, for knowing that there are a bunch of people in my life who will never accept me. Over, and over, and over again. 

In the smallest instant, I changed my complexion to sympathy. To empathy. 
But then I figured she asked me because she truly wanted to know. 
"The courage to kiss a girl, you gain it with time. You gain it with understanding, accepting, and, I guess, forgiving yourself for not being who everyone else expected you to be. In my experience, and as far as I know, in everyone else's, that happens naturally. But the courage to tell people how much I fucking love kissing girls? I don't have that, Valen. I'm not sure I ever will."
"So no one knows? Just me and, of course, Naomi?"
"The guys at the skatepark know... and my cousin. Augusto, not Celeste. And telling him was probably the hardest thing I did up to date. But honestly? I'm glad I did. He gets it. Maybe it's not his case, but he doesn't just accept it, he's proud of me. Proud like I'm not.
"I guess the best thing you can do is lean on people like him, who truly support the real you, to survive, you know? I mean, I wish I had something better to tell you, I wish I could say how insanely proud I am, and how I'm out to every single person in my life. That way you'd see a light at the end of the tunnel. I don't think I'm at the end of the tunnel either, yet. But that's all I do, deep down- survive.
Still, I can mention some great things," I remembered the jokes Naomi and I have and laughed out, "nothing beats gay jokes. And sharing time with people who really know you, that's amazing," my cousin's face popped in my head, "the intimacy it has created for me. But, the best thing is kissing girls," I rolled my eyes for emphasis, "I mean, God, it's just- it's Heaven, I swear it. Shakespeare said in a letter or something like that, I'm not sure: 'if I were to kiss you then go to hell, I would. So then I can brag with the devils I saw heaven without ever entering it.' That guy really knew what he was talking about."