wonderwall || punznap

clutter

Frustration beats me every day

Why am I in a constant state of disarray

And every night, I end up in the same place

Can't help but feel I'll be here when I awake

Clutter — T-lost

Morning came too quickly, and Nick woke up too exhausted and tired. The trailer was terribly cold and dim, the only faded light coming from a tiny window. It was still quite early, and the guy was even surprised that, despite the obvious lack of sleep, he woke up not only without an alarm clock, but even earlier than usual. The rusty door of the trailer was tightly closed, there was not a soul inside except for Nick. He took a closer look at the tiny space around him, carefully got up and, taking a towel, went to the sink to wash himself. Today he intended to leave the house again before his mother came and noticed his presence. Well, once again he would have to spend an unmeasured amount of time at school, but Nick had no hint of a desire to be with this woman within the walls of the same room. He would have to endure. In any case, this was way better than hiding in a corner, shifting from the sizzling gaze and heavy hand of his mother, whom for some reason he could not fight back. Did not want to.

His preparations were completed quickly, as the brunet had little time left. His stomach was empty, but the guy did not notice the hunger, being carried away by his own thoughts. In general, everything was as usual. The drizzling rain on the street stopped falling last night, and this made Nick extremely happy. He didn't want to feel even more broken than he was now. It sucks when your condition depends on nature.

If you think about it, only a few people now belong to themselves. To be honest, no one at all. All people in this fucking society depended on something, and this proved once again that no one in this world was free. Someone was dependent on the weather, someone was dependent on drugs, someone was dependent on alcohol, someone was dependent on pleasure, and someone was dependent on a person. Some tried to overcome their addiction, and some voluntarily fell into this abyss, laughing loudly. Funny and sad at the same time.

Nick always thought that depending on a person was the worst thing the fucking universe could ever come up with, but people, for some reason, considered it a beautiful, spiritual, even majestic thing. So, in their opinion, depending on whiskey, cigarettes, and heroin was bad, but depending on a person was completely normal.

Lost in his own thoughts, Nick on autopilot pulled a pack of cheap cigarettes from his pocket and lit a cigarette between his teeth. Nothing has ever destroyed the inner world, the psyche and the whole human being so much as a connection with a similar being. One had only to turn to history at least once, what all these relationships and all this love led to: nothing but death. Of course, a person also could die of lung cancer, but nicotine, unlike falling in love, calmed the nerves, and didn't loosen them. It must be all about the people themselves, their psychology. After all, if you remember history, humanity had always strived for what destroyed it.

And Nick, too, strove for what was destroying him, despite the fact that on the way to school he read morality in his own head about how bad it was to become attached to a person. The guy felt a slight tingle in his fingertips from the cold and nicotine itching on his lips.

Suddenly he was terribly thirsty. Nick shrugged his shoulders, trying to push back the unwelcome feeling. Nick considered this desire abnormal, irrational. He thought it was not normal to want something and try to satisfy your needs. Because he could get a taste, get used to this uninvited feeling in his stomach and a slight euphoria in thoughts. In the guy's head for a whole day there was a blurry image of a pale hand on an even paler cheek, he could not remember where this memory came from, what kind of person in front of him was or what movie this fragment was from. Because from this one picture in his stomach all the internal organs were twisted into a tight knot, bringing inexplicable warmth and a feeling of happiness? He did not want to be happy and he himself drove away any of it's grains and crumbs. He didn't deserve to be happy.