Allegro con fuoco

XVI

"Well. I'm happy I invited you, as always." John said gregariously, walking towards him with his hand outstretched. "You sounded very good. Maybe you should think about making this quartet a regular thing."
Eddy's heart skipped a beat at the compliment, and he grinned at his friend, his mentor. 
"Thanks so much, John. It went alright."
And it was true, right? It had gone alright. And for a second he had to stop himself from laughing. 
Was this the answer to performance anxiety? Have so much anxiety about something else that there was simply no space for any other kind? But now he could already feel the concert high waning, because his throat was constricting. And yes, there were other people here who wanted to congratulate him, but suddenly he had no fucks left to give about that. He looked straight at Brett, and pointed with his head. Brett's brows furrowed, but then he followed him. Eddy walked through the halls quickly, Brett on his heel, straight to that little alcove that had become something of a friend to him this week. He sat down and pointed to the place beside him. Then he swallowed, once, twice, and took a deep breath. No pussying out, now. 

"You didn't like it." he said softly. 
Brett seemed to freeze for a moment. 
"What? No, Eddy! Why do you think that?"
Eddy looked at him, then back at his knees.
"You've been quiet, the way you get when there's something bothering you."
Brett was silent for the longest time, his eyes worried, his tongue dumb. Eddy couldn't breathe as he waited, and his heart was pounding so hard he couldn't even hear himself think. What would Brett say? It must be bad, right, if it was taking him so long to say it? 
"Oh, God, Eddy." Brett said then, interrupting the swooshing of his heart. "It's not like that, I promise."
"No?"
Brett shook his head and put his hand on Eddy's knee. 
"No. I... I loved it. It's just... God, how do I explain this? I was just real worried I'd hurt you. And I think I did hurt you. And now I'm... just... worried, I guess, and I feel... I don't know. I feel guilty. I know that's stupid, because you asked me. But... did you ask me because you wanted it? Or because you thought I did?"
For a moment Eddy could only gape at him. 
"Um."
"Please. Full disclosure?"
Eddy shrugged. 
"A little bit of both? I felt I should try? I mean... why would it always be you?"
"Okay, so let me ask you this. Based on your experience yesterday, do you prefer... well... topping or bottoming?"
Eddy almost laughed at the terminology. But he was too stunned to. And he knew he had to be real, here. 
"Um. It's only one experience, so I don't know how it would feel in the future." he said quietly. Embarrassment was spreading through him hard, putting a lump in his throat, making his breath shallow. But how could he hide anything from his love, when he was like this? Even if he knew that he was feeling all the wrong things?
"And I loved it, I really did. But if you ask me like that, I guess... I'd have to say topping. I... I'm sorry."

Eddy had expected Brett to look disappointed, to look away to hide it, but to his surprise he didn't. No, wait, what? In fact Brett looked... relieved. Then Brett smiled and squeezed his knee. 
"Good. I agree, it was just one experience. But based on that, and making sure you know that I did love it too, and that I love you for trying it as well, I think I would have to say that I prefer bottoming."
Now Eddy's mouth really did fall open. How had he never even thought about this as a possibility? What an idiot! 
"W...why?" he asked, stupidly, and Brett grinned widely. Something was dancing in his eyes again now. 
"Why? You want to know why?" He looked around him, to check no one was there. "Because it's awesome. I get to be there, with you inside me, your rhythm, you in charge, touching me that way. I never feel safer. I never come the way I do when you do that to me. And I guess... it makes me feel so good, so powerful to make you feel the way you do at that moment."
"Wow." Eddy said softly. Brett's soft, honest words, so obviously heart felt, seemed to fill his loud heart and the whole alcove with it. Erasing the worry, the anxiety, and replacing it with a love even deeper than he had felt before. He could mean that to his love?
"Er. I felt powerful too, last night." he said quietly. 
"Did you?" Brett answered, suddenly shy. "That makes me happy. So... I guess... I would be open to trying it anytime you want to, but I'm also okay if we just go back to the way we were doing it. It's up to you."

They sat and looked at each other in silence for the longest time. Then Eddy shook his head in amazement. 
"I love you. And I would kiss you, but I think we've pushed our luck enough."
Brett grinned. 
"Yeah. Just promised me you'll have your way with me when we get home tonight, and we're all good."
It wasn't a question, it was a promise. So Eddy wiped Brett's hair behind his ear with his finger, lingering over his cheek. Then he winked. 
"Your wish is my command."