Allegro con fuoco

XXXVII

It took him about three seconds to find his voice, but then he shook his head. 
"No, mum. He hasn't. This has always been our bedroom."
He could see the shock on her face, but she wasn't running. She simply nodded. 
"How long?"
What was it with that question being the most important one? He shrugged, and maybe it was this weird state he'd been in, but the words started falling as if they were deciding to, not him. 
"Officially since the trip to Perth, mum, but really I fell in love with him the second we met. And he with me. I... I was really trying at the time to like Lily, but I couldn't, mum. We... Brett and I tried for years not to be in love, to be normal. Sometimes we would slip, we would kiss, but then we would feel so guilty. It's been so hard, mum."
He couldn't help the tears anymore now, didn't even bother to swipe at them. She was allowed to see what she had done to him, she could feel how alone he had been. 
"And then?" she asked hoarsely, as if his words were chafing her, burning her, but yet he had to say. 
"In Perth... it became too much. We were both completely miserable, trying to be something we weren't, trying to be apart. I... I need him, mum. He's everything. He always has been."

God, how he wished Brett were here, by his side, but he knew full well he wouldn't come in, not until he was called. He could see him in his mind's eye now, opening the front door to reveil Eddy's mum. How his eyes would have opened in shock, but he would have hidden it well from her. How he would have let her into their bedroom and stayed behind in the living room, where he was probably pacing now, waiting. 
He saw the little stumble as it happened and he had already taken her arm, was already leading her to the bed, pushed her shoulder gently so she would sit down. 
"All that time." she whispered then. 
"We had no choice. What would you have said if you knew?"
She eyed him, her eyes suddenly spitting fire, and despite himself he cringed, backed away. 
"I would at least have had a chance to do something, Eddy. To change this... this path you've gone down."

And there it was, in a nutshell. And even though he had known this all along, it still changed something inside him, like a switch that was clicked, a cog that was turned. He backed away and sat down on the chair. Then he nodded. 
"Yeah. No, mum. The only thing it would have changed was my happiness. You would have forbidden me to see him. It would have killed me. And him."
He could see her eyes changing, could see the shock replacing some of the chill. She got up abruptly and walked to the balcony, stepping out into the very same spot he had been in earlier. After a beat he got up and joined her. 
She seemed to have aged ten years overnight, and she looked so, so small. 
"I... I don't know what to say, Eddy." she whispered. 
Eddy stood, and he put his hand on her shoulder. 
"Do you remember years ago, mum? I was in my room, at night, crying. Over Brett, of course, but you didn't know that. I was so very, very alone. You came into my room without a word and you sat with me. You gave me space, and comfort. Do you remember that?"
She waited for the longest moment before turning to him. Her eyes were moist. Then she nodded. 
"I remember."
"You wouldn't have done that if you knew why."
She shook her head. 
"It meant the world to me then though, mum."