ᴀʟʟ ɪ ᴡᴀɴᴛ ɪꜱ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ꜰʀᴇᴇ - regulus black

chapter 18

Octavia didn't know what she was feeling anymore. She didn't have to repress the urge to cry every time she would leave Max's bed anymore and the words "It was nice, good night" felt like an automatism. Her cheeks would hurt less when she would smile at him, she was getting used to this sensation of sufferance, physically and emotionally. She tried to fool herself into thinking she was finally appreciating sleeping with him even though he wasn't more gentle nor pleasing than he was the first time. Sex was still as disgusting and horrible, but Octavia who was on her way to be an adult thought this was such an immature and childish way of thinking. It wasn't that bad, was what she was trying to make herself believe. And in that way, she was getting closer to him and surely forgetting everything and everyone else. She forced focus on him and it worked.

They didn't talk about the 'after Hogwarts'. It was frightening Octavia more and more. Surely they would meet during the holidays but after? After Maximilian would be free to have all the girls he wanted, she knew it. Maybe she was assuming things about him, or maybe it was fear speaking. And why would she be mad at him, she was no better.

It was late at night and Octavia was coming back to the common room. She was sniffling quietly in the corridors while wiping her eyes and preventing any tears from spilling. It was always in the middle of the way that tears were threatening to spill. But she didn't let any of them roll down her cheeks.

Despite the late hour, she was surprised to see someone still awake in the common room. Unfortunately, it had to be Regulus Black. He looked up from whatever he was busy doing to glance at her when she entered the room. She stopped in her tracks and looked at him. There was enough light for him to distinguish some exhaustion and sadness in her eyes.

"You were with him?" spoke his cold voice.

"Yes, why?" she spat, her voice just as cold, but burning like venom.

"It's clear he makes you unhappy..."

"Why do you care? And what do you know about him? Us? He makes me happier than you would ever!"

"Just saying as I'll be the one bearing the unhappy you in some months, and I'd rather have you in one piece."

"Don't talk about this, I won't ever marry you."

"You know this isn't true Octavia..." he sighed tiredly.

"I can't have you in my life! I don't wanna date a coward, I need someone with more guts," she answered, glaring at him, all her rage and resentment spilling with each word.

Regulus paused. He stayed silent and then told her with some anger laced to his voice, "So you don't want to date a coward but you'd rather date an arsehole?"

This was enough. She left without another word, fuming, burning with anger.

It was soon already time to go back home. Octavia knew she was spending some of her last moments with Max when they were kissing the night before the departure. She wouldn't miss him, she would miss his attention and affection, she would miss his difference, should she say his eccentricity that made him so apart from her world.

"You know I love kissing you but there's a party going on downstairs and I don't wanna miss my last party here," he said putting an end to the kiss. "You can stay for the night but I'm not sure of my state by the end of the party."

And with that he left with a laugh. Octavia said nothing and stood up from his bed when the door was locked. She looked at her reflection in the mirror. She quickly buttoned up her shirt, hiding the red marks on her chest and collarbones in the process. She then retrieved a tissue from her pocket to remove the red lipstick smashed all over her mouth. Her eyes seemed dead, they were dull despite their bright blue color, but she didn't seem to notice. All she cared about was her makeup that she was redoing, and her ginger hair that she was brushing with her fingers. And there she was, more or less ready to face people, even if she knew most of them would be very much inebriated.

When the girl came down, the first thing she saw was her favorite person. Lilah was there, dancing energetically. She wasn't alone; Jaden and Zephyr were accompanying her. They were never the last to dance. This brought a smile to her lips. It took them a moment to notice her. Once they did, they waved at her, urging her to join them. Which she did. She had no other choice as Ivanna was pushing her from behind. Seeing her wasn't even surprising, she had been present at almost every party for the last two years. All together they started dancing, with her friends holding her close and she felt like reliving in their company. It felt like she had never been as happy, she had never smiled so brightly. She wanted to be this free and gleeful forever, surrounded by her favorite persons, intoxicated by euphoria and alcohol.

It was reality that woke her up. More like Lilah hurrying her to wake up already or they would miss their train. They had yet to pack their stuff and had already missed breakfast.

"I have to say goodbye to Max," spoke Octavia once she had stirred awake.

"Later, now we have something else to do," just answered the blond girl, focusing on cleaning up the bedroom of her stuff. Octavia said nothing and joined her in the cleaning.

Octavia only got to meet Max during the train ride. She looked for him and when she found him he was with the other Gryffindors, laughing as usual. She felt like a bother. Gryffindors had different behaviors with her. Some hated her for the simple reason that she was Octavia Rosier and a Slytherin, and some tolerated her because they knew she wasn't like the other Slytherins and accepted everyone.

"I wanted to say goodbye," started the ginger-haired girl while looking at his boyfriend.

He excused himself and joined her outside the compartment. They walked quickly to the bathroom and started talking, hidden from all eyes.

"So, we're going to meet a lot these holidays, right?" she asked, hopefully.

"Of course, I'll try my best to visit you. But I'll send a letter before I know."

"One more year right?"

"Yes I know, I promised I could offer you another life. We'll be together for real," he simply said with a little smile and she smiled back.

She didn't remember when, but a few years ago, when they got together, he indeed said it. That was also why she was trying her hardest to stay with him, imagining their future to be idyllic. But for now, this felt so far and unreal. She was just going back home. Going back to her life. To this place she hated, where she was also hated. These were the thoughts hunting her as she shared one last kiss with Max. His body was pressed to hers as she was herself pressed to the bathroom door. The place was rather small but he managed to make it look smaller by his presence. He really wanted her to remember him but she knew she would forget soon about him as all she will be able to think about would be how to survive two months in the Rosier manor.

When they got out of the bathroom, their hands clutched to each other, they met Evan. He said nothing but she could feel his hostile eyes on them. Evan was well aware of their relationship though he never mentioned it. Max hated Evan, obviously. Everything opposed them. And Evan, he wasn't too fond of Max neither, for the same reason, but also because he didn't like him as a person.

She let Max go and Evan joined her. They waited for Felix in silence and once he was there, they apparated back home.