ᴀʟʟ ɪ ᴡᴀɴᴛ ɪꜱ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ꜰʀᴇᴇ - regulus black

chapter 22

The rest of the night was long and Octavia was relieved when their teacher finally put an end to this torture. They were already running late on time but good thing a few prefects were among them that night. Regulus took the role of escorting Octavia back to the common room. It just felt so natural and he asked if she wanted to as to not risk detention. Jaden and Lilah had quickly ran off, those traitors not even waiting for her.

"You know, it's been one year already," he suddenly said, breaking the comfortable silence between them.

"What?" curiously asked Octavia.

"Since we kissed. For the first time," he told her, now looking at her.

"Oh, right. Why?"

"I was thinking about it."

"Is that so," she could only said, trying to stay detached.

"Don't you think about it sometimes?" he wondered.

"No," she answered quickly, way too quickly for him to believe her and she knew by the glance he threw her.

"But you've not forgotten."

"Of course I didn't. I've only kissed a few people in my life so I do remember who I kissed..."

"So you've kissed people than aren't me or... him?" he asked curiously and he could see her smile.

"I may or may not have kissed Lilah," she stated lightly and he looked at her with a shocked expression.

"You two are really... you look like..."

"I know we look like a cute little couple! But she's my best friend and I kissed her during a game simply."

"No problem, you can kiss whoever you want."

"I know and about this, I won't kiss anyone anymore. I've contacted Max, hoping we could try again. So you and I won't kiss on the mouth anymore."

"Oh," was all he said.

When she looked at him, he remained expressionless and didn't acknowledge her stare. And maybe he put some distance between them too when before he was walking so close to her. There was a sensation of coldness taking over them. They didn't utter a single word on their way back.

A few days passed by and Octavia was growing nervous. Max wouldn't answer, she was afraid he was still mad at her and would stay silent or either turn down her offer. But she continued to hope because what else could she do. She didn't want to worry anyone and especially Lilah so she would try her best to appear joyful. And then, on one day of November, when any remain of hope was dying down, she got a letter from Max. She had two expectations: him being mad and turning down her offer or him still being interested in her. But what she didn't expect was for him to be completely enraged, violent and insulting her. She knew he had a strong temper and could get angry easily, but she never knew that one day so much anger would be turned towards her and that she would be destroyed that way.

Octavia was glad it was late and her roommates were sleeping. She left the room to read by the fireplace, in the quiet common room. She had been anticipating this letter for a while, but the more she read, she more the excitation in her got replaced by a void.

You've got some nerve! Reaching out to me after what you did! What were you expecting from me? That I give you another chance? This will never ever happen you can be sure, not after such betrayal. I trusted you and stayed with you this whole time while you had been acting like a whore behind my back! A whore yes, that's what you are. I don't care how much you regret, this is too late and I don't want you in my life anymore. You were such a mistake, how did I believe I could have had a normal relationship with a Slytherin freak. You're all the same, nuts in the head, mischievous and it took me years to realize you were one of them too! I don't care about you, just don't ever contact me again. We were never meant to be together.

And that was it. Max spat his hatred, and she deserved it. She knew it, and it just confirmed all of the feelings she had had for a long time now. She was a mischievous Slytherin as he said, a whore, she felt simply horrible, guilty for hurting him and disgusted by her own self. All she could do was making mistakes and everything in her was in pain. Her heart was aching knowing she could never have the future she had wished for with Max because he hated her, and her stomach was in a knot as dark feelings of self-despise and hatred filled her. And deep inside her was residing that feeling of void, because she knew she was condemned to live this life. She would rather die than living in such situation, with these feelings haunting her while trying to live a life she didn't want to, a life she was forcing herself to live.

And now, she was lying there, curled in fetal position, tears running down her cheeks, trying to muffle her sobs. Her body was shaking, hurting everywhere.

In the morning, she woke up normally as she wanted to avoid questions. She had barely slept, and she cried again when she was all alone in the bathroom. The girl had thought that the feelings would have left after sleeping, but they hadn't. Unfortunately, in the morning, she still hated herself, she was still a whore, she had still done so many mistakes and she couldn't forget anything. Makeup was always her ally, but when she looked at her face in the mirror, it couldn't erase how awful she looked and how empty her eyes were.

She avoided eating as she thought she would vomit. She avoided talking as she thought she would break down. And everyone assumed she hadn't slept well and so didn't question her.

And that night, when it was late enough and Octavia had been letting silent tears for hours, she went down to the common room and sat down in front of the fire. Sleep still wouldn't ease her mind and all she could do was being haunted by her thoughts. It was her routine for days. And one night, someone was still awake and sitting by one of the table. It was Regulus. Always here when she didn't want to see him, but maybe tonight she wanted to.

He looked up at her for a second then down to his parchment, his quill going back to writing. It hurt. But she still walked to him.

"Want something?" his tone of voice sounding a little cold, but nothing surprising coming from him, especially since it was their first conversation since their last exchange.

"No, I..."

No other word could come out. She didn't know what to say. So she sat down on the chair next him. He didn't pay attention to her. Silence came back. She watched his focused expression, her blue eyes not leaving his face. How much she wished she could drown in the comfort of his of grey eyes. She just needed some comfort. Did she deserve it? Octavia didn't care, Regulus was here and the question was easily ignored.

"Why do you keep staring creepily at me?" he wondered, his eyes not wavering from his work. When she said nothing, he looked up at her quizzically. The ginger-haired girl shrugged in response. And then she could start contemplating his beautiful irises. They had always been cold, but they had been softer.

"Are you doing okay? You look tired."

"You don't know how exhausted I am," she told him, the ghost of sad smile taking place on her lips.

"Go to bed, I'm going too," he said packing his stuff quickly under her panicked eyes.

He stood up then and she quickly stood up after him, grabbing his wrist in the process. "Wait!"

The boy turned around, looking into her blue eyes, forcing himself to not look down at her parted lips – which she herself didn't seem able to do.

"Octavia," he stated firmly. She let go of his wrist and looked down.

It made the boy sigh. "You said it yourself, no more kisses on the mouth."

The boy took her face between his hands, lifted it up with gentleness and to her surprise, he placed a kiss on her forehead. It was chaste, and warm. And it hurt.

He left her alone afterwards. And Octavia felt a pang in her chest. He had noticed she just wanted to kiss him, she needed to even and all he did was kiss her forehead. And she felt rejected and even worse. No one wanted her anymore. She had been so stupid.

The feelings had been there for a while, hidden deep inside her core, but now they were intense, vivid, burning her from the inside, swallowing her whole. And she cried again, but the pain wouldn't leave her. And once again that night, she fell asleep hoping to wash the pain away.

author's note: my depressed fellows, take care of you, and for the others i hope you'll never feel the same way as octavia :(((