Gates of Hell

Chapter 17 - Struggles

Anakin doesn't actually break down until they're in the speeder, on the way back to the Senate building. Vader is flying, and Anakin keeps his head turned to the side, staring at the passing traffic, trying to shield his raging emotions as he cries in silence. He thinks a part of him is mourning at everything which he's lost, everything which he may never be able to get back again. He can hope, but hope is not... enough.

Vader says nothing to him as they fly or as they arrive at the Senate building. Anakin pulls up his hood to shroud his face as they walk to the Emperor's office where they can speak in private.

"Are you alright?" Vader asks as quietly as he can manage with the vocoder, reaching out and resting a hand on Anakin's shoulder, almost instinctively.

He swallows, reaching up to swipe away any lingering wetness on his face before nodding hesitantly. "I will be." It's the truth, and he – somehow, he knows that.

"Is this about Obi-Wan?" Vader questions.

Anakin huffs out a mirthless laugh. "What do you think? I – yes. Yes, this is about him. I cannot ever seem to let go of him. I have tried. I cannot. He is – he has always been very important to me. I don't think that will ever change." He exhales slowly, meeting Vader's eyes through the mask. "You can say the same, can't you." It's a statement, a realization, more than a question. He can feel the knowing in Vader, the understanding. What Anakin is now feeling is the same thing that Vader has dealt with for years.

Vader says nothing, remaining silent, his respirator cycling rhythmically, so Anakin pushes further. "It's not – it is not our fault that Obi-Wan has treated us the way he did. He – he hurt us, you more than me, even if this version of him has not done so yet. I never deserved it. You never deserved it."

He can feel the way Vader's emotions fluctuate, flickering from surprise to disbelief to pure, unadulterated loathing. "You are wrong," he states with finality. "I did deserve it. This..." he gestures to himself, "Was always meant to be my destiny. I have accepted that. After what I did, I deserved no less than this."

It's a pointless argument. Vader is still too... broken and lost to understand and accept what Anakin is saying. But his inability to do so does not mean that Anakin is the same. He can see more clearly now, even if the clarity hurts. So instead, he moves on to another subject which is important, one which they might as well discuss while they're on the topic.

"You still love him." He doesn't know why that surprises him. Maybe because he cannot conceive still harboring love for someone who hurt him so badly and left him for dead. But Vader is different; he is convinced of the rightness of Obi-Wan's actions on Mustafar. He accepts that his actions were wrong, and he hates himself for them. Because of that, he believes that what Obi-Wan did was right. The mere thought makes Anakin feel sick.

He picks up on a flicker of longing, but Vader remains impassive outwardly. "He was my master before I betrayed him," he answers.

"You still love him," Anakin repeats, feeling as if the Force whispers a faint confirmation, the truth of the statement ringing in his senses, "Even after he hurt you so badly and left you to die. You are angry with him, and hurt, but..." you love him. You hate yourself, not him.

"It is of no consequence," Vader replies brusquely, pulling back from him, both physically and in the Force. He turns, cape swirling as he moves across the office to the window, staring out, hands clasped behind his back.

In this moment, he almost looks like a mirror-image of Anakin himself, except that Anakin doesn't have a life-support suit. He walks to stand at Vader's side, mirroring him. "I'm sorry," he says quietly.