Gates of Hell

Chapter 15 - Nighttime Revelations

Author's Note: In which Vader broods and talks to Anakin about everything. Aaaand... this is another longer-ish chapter. :)

WARNING: Suicidal thoughts.

~ Amina Gila

Sometimes, Vader thinks that his only purpose is that of destruction. He feels as if he's stumbling blindly, unable to do anything right, no matter how hard he tries. He thought that he could guide Anakin, show him how to be a powerful Sith, make him stronger than he already is. And perhaps he could, but it's only now, too late, that he realizes how much it would change the younger. Vader never intended to hurt Anakin, and he hates himself for doing so. He made a mistake, and it's one which he refuses to make again.

When Vader first felt Anakin again on Mortis, he had been forced to remember how bright he used to be. How light. How... good. And maybe it's strange and messed up, but he's grown accustomed – addicted, even – to that presence. It's so similar to his own, and yet, it's also so very different. He hates himself for compelling Anakin to embrace the Dark Side in the same way he himself did. He should have known better; he should have known that forcing Anakin to sacrifice whatever goodness makes him... him would be for the worst.

And now that he's the Emperor, he hardly knows what to do now. He intends to bring peace and justice, to find a way by which the galaxy can be reunited without bloodshed. For Sidious, in his past, he did and caused so much damage at his Master's whim. And even beyond that. He enjoyed it too, even though he knew, if only subconsciously, that it was not an effective way of dealing with the galaxy. Now that he is the Emperor, he has to do what will be best for him, for his Empire, for his people. He can't rule the way Sidious did. He can't afford to leave Coruscant frequently on military campaigns, and he would never do that to Anakin. The Jedi would sooner fight him than comply, and he doesn't want to do that to the clones.

He is changing so much. And Vader doesn't know how to deal with it. It's because of Anakin, because seeing the way he used to be, seeing the goodness and compassion and empathy which Anakin has for every living being... it's changing him. He isn't as likely to do things which will result in many deaths, not when he knows Anakin won't approve. ... Ironic how, even now, he is trying to prove himself, in a sense, to Anakin. Vader doesn't know what to make of that, but he thinks that he might be able to do what Sidious failed in, that he might be able to repair the galaxy and restore peace without senseless slaughter.

In spite of the changes, or perhaps because of them, Vader has come to loathe himself even more than he did in the past. It's obvious, next to Anakin, how dark and twisted and broken and evil he is. He hates it. He hates himself for even being bothered by it, and he wouldn't be, if his Master was here. It was all much easier when Vader only had to live to serve the Emperor. He obeyed his Master, followed his every command, studied all things Sith in his free time to bolster his power. He lost his family. He destroyed his family. And he hates himself for that. There is no one in the galaxy that he loathes more than himself.

Not for the first time, Vader darkly wonders what would happen if he ended it all. He wouldn't, of course, because it would kill Anakin too, but the thought is... exciting in a way. It's probably a good thing that it's nighttime, because otherwise, the younger would be nagging him about these thoughts. Vader had rested for a couple hours, but then, he got up, because there are too many things to do, and sleeping at night – when Anakin is – only makes it probable that they'll be trapped in another nightmare loop. That would be a rather unpleasant experience to say the least. Once was more than enough, thank you very much.

They're still in the Senate building, which is weird to say the least, but it's not as if either of them has a better place to go right now. Vader plans to raid Sidious' apartment at 500 Republica in the morning. Maybe he can clean it out and actually make it livable for himself and Anakin. Maybe. He doesn't know if it will be possible to clean out the presence of his old master from the walls, but they can try.