Between Two Eternities || Travis Hamonic

(32) I Just Ran Out of Band-Aids

"I never knew what love was until I met you, then when distance pulled us apart, I found out what true love is."

-Unknown

"Can I get you a drink?"

I shake my head. I've had enough of the hard stuff for tonight. It's silent between us. I actually wish Jared was still here.

I feel bad about denying his offer of a drink. I could use one, if I would ever get through a conversation with Travis, I would need one. "Do you wanna go outside?" I finally ask. I know that he wants to talk and this isn't exactly the best atmosphere for that.

Once outside, my ears stop ringing. It's a little chilly - typical October weather. The wind is light, but it is there. Who knows when it'll die down. The street that the bar is on is incredibly quaint. Instead of other public places, restaurants, clothing stores, etc, cute little houses line the street. What the hell is a bar doing in the middle of a neighborhood? I wonder.

Travis doesn't even look like he wants to say anything, and I start to wonder if he will ever speak. I wouldn't know, by the way he absently stares out into space. I find myself looking at Travis, hoping that he would catch my eyes with his, and stare at me with all his love and kindness that he has. But he keeps staring forward, relaxed but tense.

We didn't kiss that day when I saw him across the street a few weeks ago. We were close to it, but I couldn't do something like that to Bobby. Travis understood. He always understands. I feel stupid, doing everything to stay faithful to Bobby when he can't even resist a hooker at a bar.

It's extremely quiet. Except for the cars riding by, nothing shows any movement. It's just beginning to transition into the colder weather, so I shiver slightly.

"Did you have something to say, Travis?" I ask naively. He clears his throat and stutters, not prepared to say anything.

"Will you come to the game this weekend?" He asks. "It's the first at home of the season."

I shake my head. "I don't know. I'll probably  be with Bobby." Honestly, I don't know why I automatically made an excuse. Besides, I haven't even had time to think about Bobby and what he is probably up to right about now ... Who knows what's going to happen between us when I confront him?

"Matt said he's coming with some of his friends. So I just thought you would wanna go with him," he mumbles and kicks at a pebble on the ground. It bounces to the end of the sidewalk and drops to the street.

I'm sure Bobby will come up with something for us to do. It's his last week in New York before he starts his new job all the way in California. We haven't talked about whether we're breaking up when he moves. I had assumed we aren't, but now that he's doing questionable things behind my back, I just don't know.

"I don't know Travis. Matt and I don't exactly get along like we used to," I say with a sigh.

"That's too bad," he replies sympathetically.

We plunge back into silence, both of us staring out onto the street. Personally, I'm looking at the yogurt shop on the corner. It's too happy looking for this type of neighborhood.

"Is that really why you wanted to talk to me?" I ask. I hate how I'm the one initiating the conversation. It always used to be him. He was the one who would pull things out of me until I would talk forever. He slowly shakes his head back and forth.

"I miss you is all," he practically whispers. I want him to scream it. Like how we used to walk down these empty streets in the middle of the night and yell anything we wanted - confessions, profanities, anything.

He won't look at me, which is the most unnerving thing. I long for the times when he couldn't seem to keep his eyes off me. I'm only realizing now that I took those times for granted.

I miss him as well, and all those things that we would do together and for each other. It's the things we miss that reveal who we are. And I'm just a girl who's hopelessly in love with a boy who breaks her heart with a smile.

"It's never going to be the same," I say. "I won't ever be that innocent again."

He looks at me, and in one swift motion, pulls me close with an arm around my waist. I tighten my lips shut at the pain on his face.
"You are innocent, Arden. That's what I love about you?"

"It won't be the same," I repeat. My voice is but a whisper in the chilling air. His eyes lock mine to his to the point where I can't move my gaze to anything except his brown orbs. I have an urge to push back the hair curling at his temples, or curling on his neck. He hasn't gotten it cut in a while. I like it long like this.

Despite this urge, I don't run my fingers through his hair or along his face. I instinctively rest one on his bicep and the other on his forearm. My stomach clenches as I feel his hands on me.

"Please," he pleads. I don't respond, because I'm frozen in his gaze. "I don't know what to say, Arden."

Say you love me.

"There's nothing you can say, Travis. I'm different now."

It's true that I am, but my feelings for Travis have only increased. The only thing I've ever dreamed of is to hear Travis say these things, but now it only breaks my heart.

Because Bobby.

Because of the time away.

"You're not as different as you think," he says. I know he's right. "You're still the same Arden. You're smart, you're beautiful. I bet you still love soft pretzels." The soft smile on his face as he speaks ... sends the butterflies fluttering.

I smile at that observation (which is correct) but bite my lip to stop it from spreading.

Suddenly, I am reminded of the tears I cried over two boys. Perhaps I should swear off boyfriends altogether. "Travis, please. I'm not any of those things and we both know it. Crazy girls can't be smart and beautiful," I mumble.

He shakes his head and let's out an exasperated breath. "Arden, stop! Don't talk about yourself like that," he says, voice raising in volume.

"Why not?" I yell back. I can talk about myself how ever I want. I know myself better than anyone.

"Because I love you! Because I love you and I don't want anyone saying shit about the girl I love, okay?" Well there it is. We're both silent, he's avoiding my eyes but all I am noticing is how his are glowing as they do so often.

He loves me.
I love him too, so why can't I say it.

"I can't do this, Travis. Please just let me go," I whisper.

Why the hell didn't I tell him I love him?

I return home in tears, the first shed since ... well since the last time I saw Travis.