Between Two Eternities || Travis Hamonic

(8) Take Your Time

"One can be the master of what one does, but never of what one feels."

-Gustave Flaubert

The days following the game were extremely numbing.

Travis gave Matt his email and they talked back and forth all the time. What a lucky boy. Matt sure liked Travis a lot; more than he did Jeremy. That's for damn sure.

I would never read their emails, but one time Matt told me (he actually told me something personal). He said that Travis said it actually helped him to think about it, to think about his father. He suggested that Matt should try it, not push it away.

I admire Travis, I really do. He's so open with Matt. I don't know if I could do it, if so could share my feelings. I'm not even totally open with Matt and he's my damn brother.

Travis is strong. He must be.

I almost asked Matt if Travis was sending more tickets. But I didn't.

I can't deny that I want to see him again. I so want to pick his brain. How does he do it? Because I'm not doing it. I'm only hiding it.

I don't know if everyone understands. Death creeps up on you, like most things.

But it stays.

And it follows.

And it weaves it's way into everything.

I don't know how to make it go away. It never does I guess. But Travis. He has a secret. He has the secret, to dealing with it. To living with it.

Living.

I take Travis's advice. I allow myself to think about my parents, for about twenty minutes. To think about Dave and Lisa Sinclair. Not about their death. Just about them.

I don't think about them at the best of times maybe ... like how I zoned out multiple times during an exam. I didn't finish the essay, so I hope it doesn't hurt my grade too much.

At dinner one night, Matt was more talkative than usual; he didn't even wait for Molly to ask him about his day.

I offered my normal response: Classes were fine.

Usually Matt said the same about his day. But tonight, he told us about another email from Travis. He almost never talks about his conversations with Travis, so it immediately peaked my interest.

"I asked Travis if he would come to my school for career day. He said he would," he says bluntly. "Are you actually gonna come, Arden?"

I have to agree with his hesitation. Eighth graders don't want to listen to me talk about college. That's not a career. Of course I didn't volunteer for this; Mrs. Hanon sent me an email, and I knew she wouldn't accept any lame excuse I came up with.

Career day. The one day every year, parents explained their jobs, their lives. Parents showed why they are parents.

Did I actually think Travis would follow through on yet another promise? Molly believed he would. She was an optimistic person.

His motives still unknown.

"I think it's wonderful that your sister is going," Molly interjects. I offer a slight smile in her direction. At least she sees what I have to offer.

I really hoped so. For Matt's sake and for Travis's. There's no telling what I would do if I embarrass myself. It would only hurt me. Because I'm the one who will remember.
I close my eyes to forget about reality, but you can't close your eyes to memories.

The next morning, Molly gives each of us a kiss on the cheek, fusses about Matt's growing hair (the life of a hairdresser!), and gives him an apple for lunch. Once she leaves for work, I trade him five bucks for the apple; lunch money.