Between Two Eternities || Travis Hamonic

(24) I Did With You

"I cut an inch off of every straw I see, just to make the world suck a little less."

- Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

The wink. It had become expected when I traveled across town to Barclays Center for Islanders' games with Matt. Or some secret ones by myself.

Before the game, when all the players are skating around, Travis taps his stick on the glass in front of us and winks at me. At me.
Not the girl who always sat in the seat next to me. And definitely not Matt. (Ha)

During the game, all of Travis's nuances came through. I knew them by now. After the Star Spangled Banner was sung, he blesses himself every time.

Molly isn't a religious person, but she occasionally prays the rosary in her bedroom. Sometimes I see the pretty pink beads hanging from her pocket. My parents took us to church sometimes, but honestly I don't even remember what denomination it identified as. It was all very weird, and I never understood it. Perhaps because no one ever talked about God outside of church. At least no one I knew.

In regards to God, I wish I knew the whole big secret. How do people find strength in someone they can't even see and don't even know for sure exists? It could be a whole big hoax, but I would believe in a hoax if it got me through the day. And I suppose that if I believed, I wouldn't see it as a hoax. As someone uneducated on either believing or nonbelieving, I don't know what I think it is.

I wonder how life can change so slowly, but fast and in an instant. When did I decide these things? When did I decide to stop praying? Travis is the most complicated but simple person I think I've ever met. He's brave and ambitious but sees reality at the same time. He has a secret: I want to know it. He doesn't get too mad about things because he truly truly believes that everything happens for a reason. I'm not so lucky. His mind is harmonious; he doesn't have battles within himself that could tear him apart and drive him to do unthinkable things. Again, I didn't get so lucky.

I feel sick to my stomach every time I think of my parents. I don't smile like Travis does. He relishes in the memories. My unharmonious mind can't grasp anything alive.

The void in my chest had been a constant that I didn't even know about until it had been filled. Until Travis filled it up next with all his affection.
The stolen kisses on my cheeks, forehead, hands. The tight hugs after those late car rides out of the city.

When we drove out of the city, we could finally see the stars. And the moon. We talked forever. And my soul tingled and my toes tingled. And I was the person I know I should be. The one I should've been my whole life.

But it always ends. Time always runs out. Travis has practice in the morning. I have class at eight am. Matt is calling me asking to bring home dinner. Molly is texting asking to pick up Matt from practice so she can work an extra shift.

Every moment with Travis is on borrowed time. It's like we're on a rope ... and with the looming decision about the Wyoming Grief Rehab Center ... the rope is growing tighter and shorter.

I'm a flourished person now. I can honestly say that a change is firmly in place. I think differently.

When it rains, I don't cry anymore; I wait for the sun.

I also decide I am going to put more thought into this Wyoming program. Maybe it will help me. It's crazy that I long to be stable, mentally healthy. I never would've given a shit before.

I want to be better for Travis. He's a good man, and he deserves a good woman. And I'm not it. He deserves better. I want to be the better that he deserves.