Between Two Eternities || Travis Hamonic

(20) Tear in My Heart

"It is madness in all women to let a secret love kindle within them, which, if unreturned and unknown, must devour the life that feeds it."

-Charlotte Bronte, Jane Eyre

"Arden, just hear me out," Jeremy pleads. His hands are extended in front of him, tattoos peeking out from his rolled up long sleeves. The more I look at this guy, the more I wonder how he ever became a counselor.

No. I shake my head defiantly and look out the windows to my right. It's easy to occupy yourself with a busy city like New York down below, staring back. Everyone down there is enjoying freedom. But I'm not that naive anymore, to believe that I'm the only one who blindly looks for stars.

I wonder how many people will pass before one of them will look up, and see me up all the way up here. Will I look to them how I feel? I'm feeling trapped, like these two will never know what it's like to be me so they should stop trying to level.

Jeremy and Clarice have me cornered. Well I'm not actually in a corner, but they are coming at me from all angles. From all perspectives. Clouding my vision. Like the clouds on top of the building I still see in my dreams, my nightmares. Or so it seems.

Clarice's office is in a high rise building. I'm afraid of heights, now. I don't like this; it is too nice to be a place for therapy. When I think of that word I think of the first floor at Manhattan Center, wasting away like a doll in a grungy old basement.

The office is spacious, very spacious. About as large as Molly's whole downstairs floor. I am feeling claustrophobic. The picturesque view out of the large windows makes me nauseous, though I've never felt afraid of heights before today.

Quite ridiculous when you think about it: I'm afraid of everything - ice, love, Travis, even myself - but I'm not afraid of heights. Perhaps that's why my death trap of choice turned out to be a building ...

Stop yourself, Arden.

I shouldn't have come here. This is why I avoided it for so long. All organized therapy does to me is make me try to analyze my previous choices (what Jeremy calls "mistakes").

At the weekly Thursday meetings with support group, me and Matt sneak out quickly, so Jeremy can't convince me to show up here.

I want to change. I've been thinking about this every night, after either the extensive phone calls with Travis end or after he pulls out of Molly's driveway, winking as he went. Ever since a certain person came into my life, I want to be better ...

The power of people, or love.

It's the person that makes the love yet it's described as a separate thing, independent from any one person. Yet it seems hard to believe that love offers the same to everyone.

It feels like, sometimes, he is reaching for me. And I can't will myself to give in, to be for him. I want to, oh trust me, I want to. It's impossible, and I'm willing to try anything. I've even invested six hours into reading shyunited.com 'Positive website for people to overcome shyness!'

But shyness is not the real problem, and that's why a website won't help me in this situation.

I called Jeremy yesterday and succumbed to the pressure. I was willing to meet with Clarice.

I didn't know Jeremy would be present as well. But I guess he does know me better than Clarice. I don't give him enough credit. Turns out, he has me to an 's'. By that, I mean not quite everything, not to a 't', but closer than anyone else has ever come (besides Travis) to figuring me out.