Between Two Eternities || Travis Hamonic

(16) Never Gonna Crash

"Maybe everyone can live beyond what they're capable of."

-Markus Zusak, I Am the Messenger

I let Travis kiss my cheeks and let him call me baby.

One thing, one second, would have changed the course of my life forever ... that's why I'm beginning to believe in fate. Everything that struck me, and when it struck me, has to have been a perfect storm because it's too unbelievable by itself.

But yet I am stuck in lingo. I have the choice between letting fate do its thing and trust, or go out and get what I want.

So I tend to be indifferent.

I can elaborate on that.
Now I am indifferent. Before, I was sad and slipping into a depression. I can only imagine what (or who) has sparked that change inside of me.

I let Travis grab hold of my heart.

Once the first two attempts failed miserably, I gave up on a third. It would have to be more elaborate - and dramatic is not what I wanted. I could've easily gone back to the building, flung myself off the top of it, because surely the same guy wouldn't catch me again. But something stopped me from even thinking about that possibility. And I know that if I had experienced that thought, even for a split second, I probably would have gone through with it. Because I had never been a rational person.

I wonder if Matt affected that in any way.

I didn't cry at the funeral. I never knew why I didn't cry. Until yesterday. When Travis told me that he thinks Matt tries to be strong for me. I never would've believed that anyone would know my own brother better than me, but now I know that Travis does. But he knows me better than I know myself.

It had caught me off guard. Matt be strong for me? It had always been reversed. I was always strong for Matt.

I didn't cry at the funeral. Because of Matt. He had been crying and wiped his eyes and nose continuously. How could I cry with him? He needed someone stronger than him, right?

And Molly. She had been a mess as well. Without Molly and without me, Matt would have nothing. He was only ten at the time. Molly and my father were very close, since they were children ... so it's understandable her pain.

But dammit he was my dad! Yet I didn't allow myself to fall into a dark hole (at first). I don't attribute my slip into depression to the death of my parents. I attribute it to my own muddled thinking.

Molly had never remarried after her first husband spent their whole fourteen month marriage getting drunk. I remember visiting quite often throughout any given year and always meeting a new boyfriend. But never a ring on her finger.

She seemed okay. That failed marriage didn't make her any stronger - she had always been. It just proved that Molly can be great on her own. She doesn't need anybody. She shines on her very own.

That's how it usually is. Most people don't need anyone. We get bored so we get married. Just like dust, we settle. We think the first time is enough, so we hold onto high school love.

If you don't have two kids by twenty one, you're probably gonna die alone. At least that's what tradition tells you. I turned twenty one four months ago.

So life and people go on around and around and don't stop to smell anything - roses, coffee. Nothing.

I got off the merry go round when I became depressed. I'll tell you that observing life just made me more depressed. To think that I would have to go on and soon enough, I wouldn't have time to think.