Not Who I'm Meant to Be |FTM Hinata KageHina AU|

Because We Were Kids.

Tobio Kageyama

Sometimes I'm amazed by how little I know myself. How little I feel things.

Not even two seconds ago, I was drenching Mizukis shoulder, heaving heavy sobs that came from gods know where. In that moment, everything felt sharper as if i'd adjusted the focus on a camera.

Emotions that I had forgotten dug into my skin and yanked at my rib cage.
The green of Mizu's sweater appeared fuller and the white coils of their hair more defined. These memories will outlast most, be the kind of memories that come to the forefront of my mind when I get low.

But now, as I lie across Mizuki's legs, I feel unsettlingly empty. Like I have some sort of emotional tap and the supply was just cut off.

"Are you okay to head to your room?" they asked and though my eyes were closed, I knew that they were spinning that stupid octopus ring they bought on some shady website for like three bucks.

Only Mizuki could shop on a shady site and not only get the item, but find it to be great quality.

"Yeah," I murmured more to myself than them as I sat up to let Zuki stand up. I longed for a movie night with Zuki surrounded by all the creature comforts I kept behind that locked door downstairs. But I wanted Shoyo there too.

Zuki looked at me for half a second before announcing that we were going to pick up my boyfriend first.

I grabbed their hand and squeezed, hoping it summed up everything I couldn't verbalize.
They squeezed back.

I couldn't help but smile.

🏐🏐🏐

"I'm just realizing that it's been forever since I've touched a volleyball,"

"You're still in time out Kags. Two more days,"

"This has been the worst week of my life,"

"Damn, a week of no volleyball? What did you do to get this to happen?"

My heart stuttered as Mizuki laughed as they scooped another handful of popcorn out of the bowl. They'd already pulled their hair up into a quick bun that was always a nighttime staple.

In every sleepover we've ever had, their hair was always up. They're familiar to me in every way a person can be, and that's the problem.

The problem is that if I start to talk about the wounds up and down my arms, I'd have to explain why they haven't healed. Because there is no lying to Mizuki.

We tell each other everything. Every last gory piece of information because we both know that at least one person needs to know your full history if you get into a sticky situation.

Like how I used to sit with Mizuki for hours as they ate before they were diagnosed. We both knew that what was happening wasn't healthy, so we tried to deal with it.

Like how Mizuki would sleep in my room for weeks at a time when I was at my darkest and also undiagnosed. Together we worked up the courage to talk to their parents, to seek help outside of peers because we were kids.

Kids who didn't even know how to do laundry or how money works.

And though I knew I would tell them, I just wasn't ready. I didn't want to ruin the night. I already knew Mizu would tell me that I hadn't ruined anything, but I would feel like I had. And I couldn't deal with anymore right now.

"A story for another time Mizu," I sighed, "For now, let's binge something."

"Alright B. How about Stranger Things?" Zuki asked scrolling through my recommended on Netflix.

Yeah right. As if I could handle the internal turmoil that will surely follow if we watched volume 2.

"No way, I am not emotionally prepared for that." I replied, and Shoyo nodded in agreement as he reached for more Cheez Doodles.

"Fair, fair." Mizuki relented, switching to HBO Max.

"Harry Potter?" I suggested, seeing the ad.

"Nah, I don't want to waste an entire day." Shoyo said.

"Valid. Legally Blonde?" Mizuki asked. I made a sound of obvious apprehension before Shoyo had a cute little lightbulb moment.

"What about a Disney movie binge?" Shoyo chimed in. "We can each rank them along the way and compare at the end."

"What do you think?" Zuki asked me, but I was already nodding with a broad grin stretching my face.

"You had me at Disney," I confirmed.

"Alright, but if Big Hero 6 isn't in everyone's top 3, we're gonna fight." they warned, but I just rolled my eyes, shoving them before I spoke.

"Why Big Hero 6? Was Aunt Cass your MILF awakening or some shit?" I grinned as they slowly turned their head toward me.

"No, GoGo and Tadashi were one of my Bi awakenings. Was Professor Callahan your DILF awakening?" They retorted, the octopus ring drawing my focus to their finger as they flipped me off.

"Oh shut the fuck up." I scoffed, flipping them off with both hands.

"Yikes, seems like someone has a lot of pent up self-hatred. Gay is OK, Tobio."

"Literally die."

"Bite me."