Not Who I'm Meant to Be |FTM Hinata KageHina AU|

Because. People Scare Me.

Shoyo Hinata

"Dammit! Dammit!" I cried. I swung my fist to punch the wall, but Kageyama caught my arm.

"Don't punch the wall. Knowing you you'll break your fist." He spun me around and held up his gym bag.

"Punch this instead. I only have my volleyball clothes in here so it's more like a punching bag." He held it up by the straps and let it hang, down to my shoulders. Then he just stood there, readying his stance, waiting for me to attack.

"AAAAAAAAAH!" I screamed, punching the bag over and over, letting all of my anger out through my fists.

punched for my idiocy.

I punched for my horrible past.

I punched for my father who made me the mess that I am today.

I punched for everything that I hate about myself.

Everything that makes me want to end it.

My punches slowed and lightened to the point where I was just pawing at the bag. I could feel the tears stinging my eyes before they flowed down my cheeks, staining my shirt. My knees gave out and I fell to the ground in a heap. Kageyama moved swiftly, dropping the bag and scooping me into his arms. He petted my hair as I cried into his shoulder.

"Why do I always do this?" I moaned, pushing Kageyama back a bit so I could look into his blue eyes. "Why do I always push people away like that? It's like I can't let myself get close to them."

"Why?" Kageyama whispered into my hair. I tried to look up at him again, but he held me in place. "Shoyo, why don't you let people in?"

"Because. People scare me." I blurt out.

"I can never really tell what someone is thinking, and it scares me. I remember a time when my father was everything to me. My favorite person. He beat that love out of me, and along with it my trust. I guess I'm scared that if I learn to trust someone, they'll only break my heart in the end. So I try to be happy, to be extroverted, to be someone people like because maybe then I'll be able to let go of my fear and trust again." He shifts slightly so that my head is against his shoulder. For a minute we sit in silence, marinating in the wisps of my words.

"Why do you trust me?" He says suddenly. I snap my head up, expecting that crooked half-smile I adore, but instead am greeted with an empty expression. "I'm kind of a horrible person, so why?" I smile a bit, pulling his face down so that his eyes are forced to meet mine.

"Did you know that there are only 3 people in my life who I really, truly trust?" I say wistfully. Kageyama gives a low grunt of acknowledgment. "Mom, Natsu, and you Yama," I say before letting the silence wash over us. Kags stays quiet because he knows I have more to say.

"I honestly don't know why I trust you so much. I think it's because you've never really let me down before. You are dependable, and quite honestly what keeps me going every day." I look directly into his eyes again. "There has never been a time when I didn't trust you. Where did this come from, babe?" I ask quietly, pushing a few stray hairs out of his face. I study his eyes for a minute longer, and I instantly know what's going on with him. I squeeze his wrist for confirmation, and he flinches slightly. My eyes jump up to meet his.

"Tobio, why are you cutting yourself?"

Tobio Kageyama

It was almost as if time stopped. All I can see is Shoyo looking at me with those eyes, the ones I never wanted to see again. 

The ones full of betrayal and hurt so deep that they follow me in my nightmares.

I watch as his eyes flash with 20 different emotions. He grabs his bag and drags it closer to us. He pulls out a first-aid kit and begins to clean the cuts on my wrist. It stung a bit, but nothing too painful. Before long, he had both of my wrists wrapped and his hand extended towards me. I avert my eyes and hand him the razor from my back pocket.

"Tobio. Was it you?" He asks with a voice so low I barely caught it. "The cuts are too deep and straight on your right arm to be self-inflicted, you're right-handed." My eyes widen. Shoyo is a lot smarter than people give him credit for. "They look old, but so deep that they often reopen them during the day. Tobio Kageyama, I'm only going to ask once: who did this to you?" His eyes flashed with fury, and at that moment, I was scared.

Scared of what I would have to admit to myself if I did. 

Scared of what he would do with the answer. So I lied.

"I did."

|AN: Goddamn. Sorry for the wait. Lately, I haven't had the motivation to write, but I'm back now!  I'll try to upload a new chapter once a week. Happy Holidays! -AQ|