Not Who I'm Meant to Be |FTM Hinata KageHina AU|

Can't Be Fixed, Only Sustained.

Tobio Kageyama

He was spiraling. 

Saying things he didn't mean. Things that didn't make sense.

Natsu was in tears, trying to shake him from whatever this was.

I've never seen him like this before.

"Natsu, what's wrong with Shoyo?" I asked as she shook him urgently as he continued his frantic muttering.

"Panic attack," she gulped, her voice thick with emotion. "They are usually like this."

And I had never seen him have one before.

Never.

Not even when he told me about AJ.

But at the mention of him being out of jail, he's unraveling.

"He used to have them all the time before he got locked up," She whispered, now hugging her tablet.

I stepped in front of him and slapped him clear across the face.

I winced, hating that this was the only way I could think to get him to focus on me. Tears stung my eyes as I held his face in my hands.

"Sho, I'm really sorry but I need to know what you need me to do,"

His eyes still wide, he shook me off and took a deep breath.

"Thank you, Yama. I need you to call Kuma," He said, his voice still a bit shaky.

"Done," I said quickly, waiting for further instruction.

"Grab our go-bags. They are in my closet underneath the discolored floorboard. I'll get everything else from my mom's room," He ordered before peeling out of Natsu's room.

Then I saw Natsu standing there, tears still streaming down her cheeks. I sank to my knees in front of her, wiping away her tears before scooping her into a hug.

"Bug, grab your bags and tablet, then go down to the kitchen. Grab a snack," I told her soothingly. She nodded and I kissed her on the forehead before letting her go.

She smiled and kissed me on the cheek before grabbing her things.

"I'm sorry for screaming at you, Kagio." She said quietly before dashing away in a blur of orange.

I let myself sit there and adore my little sister for 3 seconds before I ran to Shoyo's room.

The floorboard came up much easier than I expected. Underneath, I found two large duffel bags: one blue and one yellow.

I pulled them out and swung them over my shoulder, shifting the floorboard back with my foot. As I closed the door behind me, my phone started to vibrate in my pocket.

I fished it out and answered immediately.

"We'll be out in a few minutes. Thank you so much, Kuma,"

"Not a problem sir," He said with his usual cool voice.

"I keep telling you, please call me Tobio," I sighed with false exasperation.

"Yes... young Yobio," His voice stuttered over my name and I laughed.

"Thank you Kuma," I sang before I ended the call.

"Sho are you-"

"Done? Yes." He said calmly from my side as if he had been there the whole time.

I nearly jumped out of my skin.

"Gods!" I squeaked, jumping so high I put Shoyo to shame.

"Chill the chill out, Yama," He gave a light chuckle, before pushing me toward the stairs. "Let's go,"

"Aye aye captain," I murmured as he led me downstairs with a purple duffel bag over his shoulder.

He scooped up the rest of our bags, telling Natsu to grab our jackets.

We stepped out into the cold and piled into the car as Kuma placed the duffel bags in the trunk.

"Heading to Miss Hinata's school I presume?" He said, adjusting the mirror to see us as he backed out of the driveway. Natsu flinched a bit at the sound of Kuma's question.

"That's exactly right." 

🏐🏐🏐

Shoyo Hinata

I haven't had a panic attack in over a year. Not since he got locked up.

That's how I knew it was real. My body reacted, and I lost touch with reality.

I don't even like calling them 'panic attacks' because people never believe me.

Back in middle school, when all I did was panic, a teacher would manage to pull me back into my body, concerned as to what had had me so agitated.

 I would explain my 'panic attacks' only to be waved off as if I was just trying to self-diagnose and I had no idea what I was talking about. Because real panic attacks have most people thinking they're dying. That they are having a heart attack. And being different in any sense of the word always comes with consequences.

No one outside of my sister and my doctor knows that they are as real as any heart attack. But now Kageyama does. And my mom still doesn't.

Telling her would mean her constantly worrying about me, and I don't think I could take it. Whenever she truly worries about me; I can see it on her face. Lines creasing her forehead from furrowing her brow. Bags under her eyes from sleepless nights spent researching ways to help me. Fidgety, as if she expects something to go wrong.

Tired. Quiet. Shivers from lack of sleep. Crying in her room at night where she thinks no one can hear. It takes a toll on us all. And I can't bear to see my family so sad. Watching them fall apart over me, who can't be fixed.

Only sustained.

So, I call them fits instead of 'panic attacks'.

Panic attack makes it feel so real that I start to feel anxious almost perpetually, knowing I could be one word away from losing myself again, left shaking for the rest of the day.

But I've been lying to everyone about him for as long as I can remember. So what's the harm in lying to myself too?

After a while, I felt a warm finger tracing hearts on the back of my hand.

I shift slightly and Find Kageyama tracing on my hand as he smooths Natsu's hair, whispering to her as he did.

"Bug, we both love you very much," He said quietly, pressing a kiss into her hair. "You have 2 older brothers now, whether you like it or not. No matter what happens, we will always be here for you." She stayed quiet and snuggled into his embrace.

"We'll keep bullying you about how you look 6 even though you're nearly 9. I'll keep calling you Bug long after you beg me to stop. Natsu Hinata, I know you. I know you so well that sometimes I forget that we're not really siblings. Just know that whatever it is, you can tell us."

Sometimes I forget how good Kageyama is with kids.

Once they get over Kageyama's scary face, (resting you-are-gum-underneath-my-shoe face) they connect with him quickly. He treats kids with respect, having real conversations with them, and just being his amazing self.

He would deny it until the end of time if it ever got out, but Kageyama used to babysit.

For 2 dollars an hour no less.

He made a lot of money off of it anyway, and he hasn't spent a penny, just letting his earnings accumulate in the bank.

"Preparing for the day they cut me off," He'd say with a grin, But I still doubt it was a joke.

Natsu. There is nothing you could tell me that would make me love you less," I whisper, leaning across Kageyama's legs, pinching her cheek. "I promise,"

She finally turned to us.

She didn't manage any words before she burst into tears.

|AN: Hiiiiiii! Sorry, I've been MIA! I've been taking a (pretty long) break to watch anime and sleep. I hope that you enjoy! Have a great day/night.|