Me After You (Completed)

The Letter

Macau,

I am writing this letter knowing full well that we may never see each other again.

You must hate me after what you found out, and you have every right to do so. I don't want to explain myself, in the end I took the job and planned to finish it. I just want you to understand and try to forgive me, because not everything is as it seems. Dying with the thought that you still resent me is something I cannot consent to, so please give me a chance to tell you the truth.

When I saw you for the first time, I knew you would not be my prey. It should be just another mission, another body to be buried, nothing more. If it was that easy after all... Mikolaj once told me that the world is divided into victims and hunters. Someone is always chasing you or you are chasing them. At first I did not believe his words, still holding on to that childlike faith that good always triumphs, then reality came and I realized that he was right. This day I gave up on my past. That was also the last time I have ever dreamed. Every night, after it, filled darkness.

Do you know how it is, when you wish to see light at least in your night fantasies but everything is just blackness, so thick and poisonous you seem to choke on it? With every crime, every death those feelings where getting stronger and suddenly, one day, I just stopped. I forgot how it is when you care, how it is when you smile truthfully, when you love... I'm not a moral person, I've killed many people. I took down fathers and mothers and in early days even children. There is not even one good bone in my body, I thought. 

When you showed up, for the first time in my life I started to question myself. Something in the back of my head was telling me that this task would not be as simple as all the others, but I am stubborn as you know, and I was not going to give in to feelings that I did not understand. Anger, hatred, resentment, callousness? I accepted it all with a smile on my face, because I knew how it is to feel them, but curiosity, the will to protect, excitement, happiness? I've never felt that before! So I ignored it all, hoping that when you disappear, they would also go away.

Suddenly something else happened. On our second night, after you shared you warmth with me, because of my tragic past. I had a dream. Real dream. I woken up that day more afraid than ever before. I could deal with lust, because believe me, Macau, I desired you every single minute, but this weird, uncomfortable sting in my heart, what was that? Why I saw your face in my dreams?  Your smile quietly carried me out through that night and I woke up with peace in my mind... First time in years.

This should never happen! I think I knew I need to run from you after it but show beaten dog some kindness and it will not be able to leave. That was also me. Our talks were longer each day and I absorbed every bit of information you decided to share with me, like an addict. Why whenever you seemed sad I wanted to run to you? Why I suddenly needed your body next to mine to sleep peacefully? What happened to me?

Every conversation we've had since I told you about my parents has been completely and utterly real. I wasn't hiding anything, probably for the first time in my lousy life. I don't know why I decided to open up to you, maybe the fact that we both lived among predators had some influence on it? Or maybe it is just your charm, making people vulnerable. No matter what caused my honesty, it truly happened. Please, at least believe in that.

I remember every word you said. I know you like to eat carbonara the most, even if you pretend it is not as good, just to annoy your stepmother. I know you admire Vegas with all your heart but you are afraid he is not feeling support from you, because in your mind you are too young to truly show it. I think you are wrong here, you know. If there is someone Vegas loves in this world, it is for sure Macau and every smile, every tap on his shoulder is enough to understand you care. I know you need to sleep with open window and before every night you are drinking chamomile tea. There is a small scar on your left elbow, proof that you were attacked by wild cat which Vegas feeded few times. But there are things I know, which you may not. 

I know when you sleep you like to press your head to my neck and for first few seconds you sniff it like cute, little puppy. Sometimes in the middle of the night you start talking causally and I need to massage your temple to stop you from doing it. When you eat, you cover your mouth while taking the bite but at the same time you always look at me, checking if I can see what you are doing and you blush when I caugh you doing so. Whenever you see scattered clothes you are not able to stop yourself from folding them, one of things Vegas tought you. It is not all! You are scrunching nose when you smell something unfamiliar but you are always following the scent until you know what caused it and when you are scared, you grab my pinky finger and quietly repeat mantra.

I know so much more and even so I feel like it is not enough. What are your thoughts every day? Every hour? Every minute? What would you like to do right now? Do you prefer home meals or I need to take you to good restaurant to make you happy? 

Would you love me, if you knew the whole truth? Could you forgive my past, my wrongdoings? Could you wait for me? I was never this interested in anyone but look at me now. I am sitting in some cafe shop knowing that my life is coming to an end and all I can think of is You. 

I should not touch you last night... Firstly getting on my knees, admitting everything apologizing, that is what I needed to do but you made me so weak, so needy. I want you to know I do not regret the night we have spend together, I regret only the things I hidden before it happened. We should make love when there is only truth between us but touching you felt like blessing. Do you know how alluring you are? Every gesture, mimicry, moan made me feverish and I wanted you like nothing else in the world, but even more I wanted to see what delight I am giving your body. Macau, you are beautiful.

With every kiss I wanted to show you, tell you that I love... It can't be real. All of this cannot be real, but why my heart is beating fastly, my hands are sweating and I just want to run to you, beg for forgiveness, for second chance?

I love you. Sweet Lord, I do, I really do... Why those words sound so dull? I wish you could see all I feel when I am thinking of You. I wholeheartedly adore You. I breath for You. I crave You... I want to spend my life worshipping only You. Falling for someone as adorable as Macau was easier than I imagined! You know, you must know, how exceptional you are? I have an impression that you put a collar on me and I am just willing to follow your steps without any questions for the rest of my life. With smile on my face.

If there is any possibility to receive your forgiveness, please Macau, spare me. Do not pity me if you are not able to do it. Just knowing there is a chance, even if it is only one percent for you to open your heart to me once more, it is enough to make me end things with Mikolaj.

I may never return to your side but know this. If I will survive, you are gonna be my home. I will come back to you, no matter what. And if I die, your name will be the last word coming out of my mouth, because my existence starts and ends with You.

Tu sei quello che stavo aspettando.
You are the one I have been waiting for.

Only Yours,

Alcazio