-this december-

-chapter 17-

TW- minor mentions of outing/bullying, minor transphobia, coming out

Stan Marsh is a depressed,alcoholic asshole who's head over heels in love with his best friend, Kyle Broflovski.

in love with his best friend, Kyle Broflovski.

As much as I try, I can't get it out of
my head.

In love...with me?

Stan Marsh is in love with me?

that begs another question.

am i in love with him?

I guess I've always felt differently about him. I don't feel what I around him around like Davìd or Kenny or really any of the girls.

he makes me feel special, in a weird way. like he, i dunno, listens to me. all my stupid rants, he's been there. and he's been there to calm me down.

this is so confusing.

God, I wish I had someone to talk to about this.

My parents, maybe? But, no.

I remember how Dad reacted when Wendyl came out as gender-fluid.

Him and Mom had an argument, thinking me and Ike couldn't hear.

We did.

"How do we explain this to our kids?" Dad yelled.

"It's perfectly simple, Gerald. I don't know what you don't get!" Mom had yelled back. The bedroom door had muffled the sound mildly, but me and Ike could still hear their shouts perfectly from my room.

"How do we know this won't have some kind of weird effect on Kyle and Ike? What if they think that they're girls now or 'gender-fluid' or some shit like that?!"

"if Kyle or Ike don't identify as male, I would hope that Wendyl will inspire them to come out and be themselves,"

"Sheila, this is madness. I don't want Kyle being friends with that girl!"

"Kyle will be friends with who he wants to be friends with! I trust him and his judgment of character. And we should start using gender-neutral terms and pronouns for Wendyl now."

"I don't want to talk about this anymore. You obviously can't see what this could do to our children and the rest of children in South Park!"

"You're right, Gerald. I can't see what this could do to our children because it's not going to do anything except, hopefully, motivate them to be themselves or be better people towards those who don't have the same privileges!"

"I'm so done with this." The door opened, then slammed shut and I heard Dad stomping downstairs.

"Kyle, what where they talking about?" Ike asked, turning to me.

I sighed. "A gir- kid at my school came out as gender-fluid and I guess Dad's upset about it."

"Why?"

"I dunno, Ike. Sometimes people get mad over stupid things."

Mom had been so cool about the whole thing. She'd talked to me about gender and sexuality and told me that if I ever needed to talk to her about stuff like that, I could.

Mom. I could talk to my mom.

This whole thing feels like a massive weight on my chest, and it's not really even about me.

I get up and open my door, walking down the hall until I'm standing in front of my parents' room. Dad's out right now, and Mom should be in her room.

I take a deep breath and open the door. Mom's sitting on her bed, reading some book. She looks up when I come in.

"Oh, Kyle. Is something wrong?" She asks.

"Uh, I just- I wanted to talk to you about something," My voice wavers and she notices. I don't know why I'm so anxious about this. I mean, she's my mom. She'd love me no matter what, right?

She sets down her book. "Are you alright? You don't look well."

C'mon, Kyle. It's now or never. You can do this, can't you?

"Mom, I-I think...I'm in love with...with Stan," I tell her, balling my hands into fists to stop them from shaking.

She looks shocked for a moment, then her face softens. "Oh, bubby," She gets up, waddling over towards me. "Come here."

She hugs me, arms wrapped right under mine. my eyes prick with the beginnings of tears as i hug her back, and i feel myself begin to sob.

"there, there, kyle. it's ok," she whispers.

"i-i'm sorry," i say. she pulls back suddenly, the rests her hands on my shoulders. at 14, i'm nearly as tall as her, and i hope i'll be taller soon. Mom looks me in the eyes.

"you have absolutely nothing to be sorry for, bubby," she tells me, her voice serious. "don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. it's ok if you like stan and it's ok if you're gay, if that's what you are. you hear me?"

"yes, ma," i nod, still sniffing. she smiles softly.

"can- can we maybe not tell dad?" i ask, wiping my eyes. i can't believe i'm crying over this

her jaw sets at the mention of my father and she nods stiffly. "yes, of course kyle."

"i just...don't know how he'd take it, you know?" i feel like i should apologize, but i bite it back.

she sighs. "kyle, i-...i love your father very much, but he doesn't understand much about these things. he's not trying to be hurtful, he just doesn't know. of course, correct him when he says something wrong, but go easy on him. it's perfectly fine if you don't want to tell him, i understand."

"thanks ma," i tell her. she nods and ruffles my hair.

"now, why don't we talk about this stan thing?" she walks back over to my bed and motions for me to follow her. i sit.

"well, i dunno, it's just-," i start. "i guess i've always felt differently about him? i feel like there's butterflies in my stomach and my face gets all hot around him, and he makes me feel really happy. and when wendyl made that post, they said that he's in love with me, and that made me really happy too? and i haven't been able to stop thinking about it or him and-"

i don't get to finish. "I'M HOME!" my dad yells from the living room. my mom sighs again.

"we'll finish this conversation later, ok bubby?" i nod and she gets up to go greet my father.

i'm reminded of the post yet again. was wendyl just saying that? or is stan really in love with me? i hope it's the later.

i'm in love with stan marsh

and stan marsh might be in love with me