-this december-

-chapter 20-

TW- mentions of eating disorders and intrusive thoughts. a warning in bold will be put when the mentions of EDs begin and end. if you find topics like those uncomfortable for any reason, i recommend you skip those sections.

December 3rd
Clyde POV

me and tolkien walk to his house while i freeze. he's talking, but i'm not really listening. i realize i'm watching him. the way his smile lights up his eyes. his eyes are really pretty.

so, you've probably guessed. yep. i like tolkien black. in a romantic way, not just a friend way. or best friend, in this case. small problem, i'm just a fat, stupid douchbag. how i even managed to pull bebe is a mystery. i don't know if she even liked me in the first place, though. so maybe that explains part of it.

i shiver, freezing in the south park cold. we'll probably have a snowstorm soon.

"you cold, dude?" tolkien asks me, putting a hand on my shoulder.

not anymore, i think, my face heating up. i stiffly nod my head. "i'm ok, though." i reassure him. i had abandoned my usual letterman jacket for just an oversized t-shirt with long sleeves. why? i was in a hurry, i suppose.

before i know it, tolkien's pulling off his usual purple sweater and handing it over to me. i take it in my hands and stare at it.

"put it on," he tells me. he's wearing a thick wool shirt, black, and showing off nicely his perfect features. god, what i wouldn't give to have a body like him. slim and muscular, instead of fat and round.

i slip on the sweater, feeling too tired to argue. it smells warm and a bit like cinnamon. surprisingly, it's not too small for me. i guess it's extra-large?

-

we arrive soon at tolkien' house. he called for his mom to tell her he's home and that i'm over while i slip off my shoes. and his sweater, reluctantly.

as much as i like wearing it, i don't want to wear it for too long and get caught. i hang it on a hook above the shoe cubby. tolkien begins to walk away and motions for me to follow him. we wander into his kitchen and he rummages around for snacks.

"help yourself to anything you want," he says. i move towards his massive fridge and open it. hundreds of options stare back at me. it would be so easy to grab that pint of ice cream or that leftover burrito.

TW- THIS IS WHERE THE MENTIONS OF EDs AND REALLY BAD THOUGHTS COME IN. PLEASE SKIP IF THESE TOPICS MIGHT TRIGGER YOU OR MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE

just leave everything there, clyde. no need to prove to tolkien you're a fat fuck.

i grab a caprisun, deciding it's a safe option, and wait for tolkien to finish grabbing his food.

as i attempt to poke the yellow straw into the correct hole, more thoughts flood my mind.

jesus, you can't even do the simplest of tasks. fat and dumb. no wonder you need to copy off of tolkien and kyle. you'd never pass otherwise.

"alright," tolkien says, his arms filled with snacks. "let's head on up." he nods in the direction of his room. "don't worry, i got plenty of food for you," he laughs. ouch. the statement, while meant to be harmless, feels like a punch in the gut.

see? he thinks you're fat too. fat, dumb, and ugly.

i trudge up the stairs next to him, sipping my caprisun slowly while he continues talking.

if i stopped eating, would he notice?

no. why should he care? you're just a burden to him.

well, if i slim down a bit, maybe people will like me more.

that might be the first ever good idea you've had in your entire life, clyde donovan. if you just stop being an overweight pig, you'll look fine.

and then maybe i'd have a chance with tolkien!

with tolkien? yea right. he probably doesn't even like dudes, much less you. why would he? you've got nothing to offer.

"you ok, man?"

the sudden voice snaps my out of my overwhelming swirl of thoughts. i turn. my caprisun has been drained and squished in my clenched fist. Tolkien's looking at me, concern etched in his pretty face. i feel bad for making him worry.

"yea, 'm alright," i tell him, mustering up a smile. he doesn't seem to believe me, but carries on walking towards his room. i hadn't realized we aren't on the stair anymore until now. i quickly follow him, tossing my empty caprisun into the small trash can next to his door. i sit on his bed while tolkien sets up his PS5 and opens minecraft. tossing a controller to me, he settles down on the floor in front of his bed.

the peaceful ambient music begins to play while tolkien creates a new world for us. 'T + C' he names it. i blush.

stop being stupid clyde.

we join the game, and wander around for 20 minutes. tolkien finds a village.

"let's steal their stuff!" i shout.

"i mean, yea. that's what villages are for, right?" he laughs.

he thinks you're dumb.

i shrug and barge into the first house, raiding the chest and taking the bed too. it's yellow. "tolkien, go get the stuff from the gardens,"

"doing!"

i walk out of the house to find another.

BOOM!

"DAMMIT!" i exclaim. "stupid creepers!!!"

tolkien chuckles and i watch him head over to collect my fallen loot. "go respawn. can you find where i am?"

"i think?" i click respawn and wander the forest towards the shore.

"nevermind, i'll find you," he says. he crafts a boat and then travels down the river, following my coordinates. "it's getting to be night time, let's camp out in the village. make another boat and then follow me."

i obey and we soon arrive at the same village, just in time for us to watch zombies and spiders begin to spawn around. the iron gollums hurry toward them. we find a larger house and steal beds from the villagers.

"now that we're asleep, i'm starving," tolkiens tears open a bag of chips. "we should've gotten food at tweek's."

"mmm, yeah. his cupcakes are sooo friggin good."

"speaking of which," he tosses a sandwich and a soda at me. i pick up the sandwich.

don't do it, clyde. don't eat it. you ate enough today. you don't want to be fatter than you already are, do you?

i set it back down and pick up the soda. 150 calories. yeesh. yeah, maybe i won't have that either.

"you ok?" my head snaps up. tolkien's staring at me again. i'm being too obvious.

"y-yeah. all good here!"

he looks skeptical, then glances down at the sandwich and soda on his bed. "are you not going to eat?"

"oh, uh- i-i'm not hungry," i shrug, trying to play it cool.

real smooth, clyde. he can see right through you.

he sighs. setting down his controller, he climbs onto his bed and next to me. "hey," he wraps an arm around my waist and another around my shoulders, pulling me into a hug. "don't let bebe get to you, ok? she's just a bitch. and you're awesome, so don't listen to what she says." i nod, trying to hold back tears.

god, you're such a crybaby.

shut up.

"it's ok." tolkien whispers. i slide my arms around his shoulders, returning the hug.

it feels nice. i don't want to pull away. i feel confident.