The Devil's Gift/The Bloody Handed

6: The Beginning of The End

"Do you ever know what it feels like to just.. not care?" He puts his hands on his knees and plays with his fingers. "That was me before I met you. And it's kind of crazy if you think about it, because now I just care. I care about people getting hurt, I care about just living. The other day flipped something up here," he taps at his head. "You flipped something up there, Gregerson. And I'm afraid to be forced to flip it off if something happened. Life is too unpredictable now, especially with your.. visions or whatever." He looks down at the ground.

"What do you mean exactly?" I press looking into his worrisome eyes.

He looks at me. "I don't want to die. Not yet, I'm not ready yet." I swallow hard. I didn't want anyone to die.

"Yeah, me too. I wish I could say not to worry but that's too impossible for the situation." I pause and breathe in. "I'm sorry, I suck at this comforting stuff. All I know we are taking it step by step." I sigh and lean my head against his left shoulder and look up at the sky. "Thank you for everything, Munson." I yawn. I feel my eyes grow heavier by the second as the stars slowly fade from my eye sight, the oncoming warm summer breeze hitting us like a blanket.

Eddie and I stayed outside for lord knows how long. Talking, laughing, swaying. It felt nice to let loose and completely let go of my tensions. I don't think I've been this happy since I've met him, which is a strange thing to say considering all we have been through. Considering what today was going to be.

I stretch out my arms and let out a big yawn, a heavy jean jacket sliding off of me. Oh, that's right. I look down and remember I fell asleep outside last night.. I was on the couch and there was Eddie on the couch across from me, turned over with his arms hanging to the side, sleeping like a mad man.

I get up and drape the coat on top of him. The day has finally started and we couldn't waste it. I walk over to the front of the RV, seeing Nancy, Robin, and Steve ramble through bags and argue over what went where.

"Can you just- grab this- no, this!" Steve gets impatient. I start to laugh a little.

"My hand is on it, Steve!" Nancy exclaims.

"Anything I can do to help?" I look up at them. They all smile at me.

"Actually, yeah." Robin says. "You could help me make and pack Molotovs outside. And a lot of them." She winces her eyebrows as she shakes a bag full of bottles and rags in front of my face.

"Sounds like a plan." I grab a bag. She stands up and we head outside, sitting on the stairs of the RV. She sets the bag in between us and starts to dig each item out. "You know how to make these?" She asks raising an eyebrow and shaking a bottle.

Strangely enough, I did. "I do, yeah."

"I'm not going to question it, but great." She laughs. She hands me a couple of vodka bottles and rags along with petrol and motor oil. I start to fumble with the stuff and pour the substances in.

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry." Robin starts. I look over to her, and her face seems disturbed. "For like.. getting you into this mess. Because you can't just go back after this like some rollercoaster." She sighs packing a bottle. "Trust me I'd thought it might but it always fucking.. just.. comes back." She shakes her head.

"You don't need to apologize." I look at her who is still fixated on the bottles. "It might be a little messed up to say, but it was destiny. Without meeting you I wouldn't be here right now, associating with all of you people. I wouldn't have.. ever known my parents died. I'd be left in the dark tearing hair out of my head for months. And yeah sure it was tragic and I miss them, but I also knew that they knew something was coming for them. I can't fixate on what happened in the past anymore." I feed the rag through the hole of the bottle.

Robins eyes are on me and I continue. "Besides, you have nothing to worry about. By the time you're back to Hawkins you'll be on a date with Vickie I just know it." Her features immediately twist.

"Yeah, about that." She sets down her bottle. "She's dating a total jock. Saw it in the weapons store. She just.. she looked right at me. I couldn't stand being in there a minute longer so I had to leave."

"Robin, at that pep rally she was all googly eyes on you. There's no way she doesn't at least feel an ounce of love for you. I mean look at you!" I gesture.

"What, stinky, torn clothes and dirt?" She snorts.

"That's the best." I laugh. We pause for a while and both our creations in the bag.

"What will you and Eddie do.. after this?" I slide my tongue across my teeth and shrug.

"We will figure it out like we always do. But even if I could go back, I wouldn't. Same with him. With or without Munson, I feel I have some sort of purpose I need to fulfill. Besides, I'm probably the freak of Hawkins now." I chuckle.

She looks at me. "I get it. And you're not a freak, Clary. Far from it." She goes back to packing her bottle and then passes again. "You know, I got a glimpse of you and Munson last night- outside of the window." She smirks. I shake my head, already denying the accusations. "I wasn't stalking, but I couldn't help but hear the laughing and singing. I haven't ever seen Munson that way with anyone."

"Even Chrissy?" I raise my eyebrow. I knew she was dead, but a part of me felt they had a connection from the way he spoke of her at the boathouse.

"Even Chrissy. You have to realize something about Eddie Munson- he tends to almost love everyone- selflessly." I nod my head. I could get where she was coming from.

"Yeah I mean it's fine either way. He's only a friend, trust me. We don't feel anything like that with each-"

"Clary you are the worst liar!" She laughs as she slaps my shoulder. "The chemistry is undeniable, yet you're still denying it." She lops her head to the side. She had a point, but I had very little hope in my life anymore. I was scared to lose more people. I don't think I could handle another death.

"To each their own, Robin." I grab another bottle and start to fill it. I could feel her eyes on me. I didn't know what love is, or how to even start to feel it. Before I could do anything I needed answers. And I couldn't get them by sitting here getting distracted.