The Devil's Gift/The Bloody Handed

7: Headlights?

It's been almost a year now.

I try not to think about you everyday, Eddie. But you never seem to escape my mind. I have dreams- or nightmares. I could be fifty years old and still think about you. I cry on command whenever I see you in my mind. I've finally flipped over those Polaroid pictures. I trace your smile with my fingers every night, wishing I could bury myself in your scent and feel that exact same smile against my lips.

I lived with Joyce and Hopper for a couple of months. Everyone lived together and it was quite hectic. After everyone left and split up, I moved back into your trailer. I got it cleaned up. There's still bits and pieces of you everywhere. I find your curly hairs from your head on the pillow occasionally. I don't touch them. They finally got Hawkins High rebuilt so seniors could finish off our years. I didn't want to go. Robin said she was going to see if she could somehow switch her schedule and be with me for every class, but I didn't even have the motivation to move.

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this. I stopped leaving letters at your grave because whenever I returned the day after they disappeared. Sometimes I like to think it's you controlling the wind, flying them up to you. But it was probably some animal.

I'm getting better. But I'm scarred. Physically and emotionally. Romantically. I don't want to move on. I don't even want anyone to love. I still want you, nothing has changed. Robin and Vicky are finally dating, though. At least some of us got our happy ending. All I have to complain to is Steve- a fellow single companion, just like me. Sometimes I truly think he wants to say something to me, but he holds back a lot. We've grown close- even if you were jealous of him, you never truly saw what kind of heart he has.

I've changed. We all have. My hair is cut, now. It goes to my shoulders. I guess I needed some sort of change, to release the burden of it all. And my headaches. I miss your fingers running through my hair..

By the way my birthday is today. I'll be twenty in about five hours. But I'll try and celebrate it with you.

I slam down the pen and stand up, throwing on a pair of grey sweats and a black AC/DC sweatshirt. I didn't have the motivation to even put effort into my appearance. I look in the broken bathroom mirror that I personalized myself with my fists. I look at the brush on the counter and sigh. It was still filled with his hair, and I used it. I couldn't bear getting rid of him totally yet. Every day got easier but harder at the same time. It was hard to explain.

I walk out of the trailer, and see Steve, Dustin, and Robin in the car. They wave and honk at me. I run to the back seat and throw my bag in.

"How you doing, Clary?" Robin asks as she turns around.

"As good as meh gets." I say looking outside of the window. "I can't believe they're forcing us to finish off this year after everything we've been through. This whole town."

"Yeah, I know." Steve sighs.

"How's Max holding up?" I look over to Dustin.

"Good! She's good." He smiles and looks down. I knew he was taking Eddie's death hard as well. I take my hand and mess with his hair.

"Remember what Eddie said to you?" I smile softly trying not to cry.

"To not change.." he sighs.

"Exactly!" I give him a wide smile, and look to Steve and Robin who fall silent. "He would want all of us to be happy. I know I'm not the one to be preaching, but I have been better."

"That's good. We need to do something tonight." Steve says out of nowhere.

"Like?" Robin asks.

"Like.. a scary movie? I don't know! Something." Steve says as he puts his arm on the window.

"I mean.. alright." I laugh. "You can pick us up after school and we can figure out what to do in the meantime."

"I have a D&D campaign.. promised Eddie I would take over." Dustin says.

I suck my teeth "Yeah, of course! I'll hang out with you guys then and we can pick Dustin and them up later."

"I mean, it is your birthday today. We have to celebrate with something." Robin says.

"Oh I'm fine. I'm over birthdays now." I laugh.

"Who isn't?" Steve asks, laughing.

He pulls up in front of Hawkins High. Kids were walking inside, talking, laughing. As if nothing happened. There was a reopening speech today for the lives lost. Eddie, Jason.. I was skipping it. And so was Robin. Eddie's friends were too I believe as well as Dustin, Lucas, and Mike. They all didn't want to hear it. But who could blame them?

We all hop out of the car, and Steve gives us a wave as he drives off.

"You ready for this?" Robin looks to me then to Dustin.

"Hell no. But let's get this over with." We walk to the front doors. My chest tightens. I didn't want to be here.