𝐭𝐰𝐢𝐳𝐳𝐲 𝐫𝐢𝐜𝐡 ❥ 𝐦𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐢

forty six

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, THE THOUGHT OF KILLING HIMSELF brushed past jace's mind.

his suicidal thoughts weren't that severe; as in, he never got to the point where he started writing a note and planning his methods, but he fantasized about ending his own life more often than he'd ever admit.

he wasn't going to allow his thoughts to become more than that, though. he had to be there for ela. he wasn't going to leave her as just another fatherless child, the same way that he was. ela deserved better than he got, so whenever the idea of death got a little too enticing, he reminded himself that he'd be traumatizing his daughter for the rest of her life.

besides, it's always been this way for him, long before ela was even born. he just kind of accepted that he'd always be some form of depressed for the rest of his life. he can't remember the last time he didn't have some level of suicidal ideation.

so in jace's mind, since he couldn't kill himself physically, he was going to kill himself socially, and make it so that he was dead to everyone he knew.

he purposely made people hate him and made himself out to be a horrible person for multiple reasons. one was for attention, and two was for what was just said, killing himself socially. if he was a terrible person, then nobody would like him, and nobody would give a fuck about whether or not he lived or died.

exactly where he was at now....

yeah, it was lonely for sure. he was literally sitting in the dark, eating cold ravioli from a can, trying his best to not think about how truly alone he was, but when he didn't have anyone or anything to distract himself, all he was left with was his own thoughts.

the closest he came to genuine happiness in a while was when he was dating keandrian. he loved keandrian with all of his heart, and often fantasized about marrying him and raising ela together as they grew old side by side.

keandrian was the only good thing in his life. he genuinely cared about jace, and look past all of his many, many flaws. it was no secret that keandrian was just as in love with jace as jace was with him. they grew inseperable.

after a while, jace began to feel pangs of guilt whenever he was with keandrian, which was all the time. he didn't deserve to have someone so good in his life.

he didn't deserve to be happy.

since he felt so undeserving of keandrian's love, he did what he did with anyone who tried to care about him. which was push them away.

he broke up with keandrian and threw him out of his house, citing the reason as being "he never took up for him," when everyone knew that was a bullshit reason. jace couldn't even come up with a good reason, because in his eyes, keandrian was perfect. but he was too good to be true, and people like him didn't deserve to be loved unconditionally.

after that, he gradually spoke less and less in the groupchat, and stopped coming to school. he didn't even have the energy to continue his villain act anymore.

all he wanted was to be alone, and more importantly, dead.

so he sat in his bedroom, eating room temperature chef boyardee ravioli from a  tin can, wondering if he could shove the pistol in his nightstand in his mouth and get it over with.