A Collection of My Stories

Her Apologies

I'm supposed to be reflecting, really its what I was told to do all day. Now I've been given time to journal and I just can't. I can't get my brain to stop resisting.
I don't know what I'm resisting against, I can't reach it yet, I don't know why I'm feeling off. I am though, and I hadn't really noticed until now, not really.

__________________________________

12 hours, I had 12 hours from my spanking this morning to this moment, as my husband walks through the door. Our kids are in bed, I'm supposed to have journaled and reflected. All I have written is what I just shared above.
Jake sits on the bed next to me and silent tears start to roll down my face as I pass him my phone with the minuscule journal entry. He reaches over and squeezes my thigh and I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding.

Jake's large arms wrap around me, pulling me into him, straddling his lap and I snuggle my face into his chest. My tears continue to flow.

"Alright sweetheart. It's alright" he soothes rubbing my back. "I think we are going to switch gears for tonight, okay?"

"Yes, Sir"

Sliding me off his lap, I oblige and place myself over his left knee, toes on the floor, relaxing my upper body into the cushion of our bed.

"Sia, it seems that this task felt overwhelming today?"

"Yes, Sir"

"You are feeling off and having a hard time identifying where those feelings are coming from?"

"Yes, Sir"

"You've been having a flare up of *chronic illness* symptoms this last week or so, yeah?"

"Yes, Sir"

"Mmhmm, has that been feeling overwhelming for you?"

"Yes"

"Yea, let's talk through those feelings okay?"

"Yes, Sir"

"I know that it makes you anxious and angry that your body won't cooperate with the demands of your mind, your expectations for yourself, the things you enjoy - have you been feeling anxious? Angry?"

"Yes, I'm angry - I'm so angry sometimes it makes me want to cry, I feel like I can't think about it or it will consume me"

"Okay - let it consume you"
- SMACK
"I've got you"
- SMACK
"I will bring you out of it"
- SMACK
"but you need to let yourself feel it"
- SMACK

___________________________________

& so I did, I let the despair, anxiety and anger that comes with chronic illness consume me. I spoke those feelings aloud. Jake validated each and every one, while delivering each smack with merciless intensity.

When I was finally limp, crying and agreeing with his counter points his hands smoothed over me and he scooped me up to cuddle in beside him.

"I'm really sorry, I'm really sorry I haven't been respecting you" I manage to squeak out

"I know love, I know it's hard to take care of yourself when it feels like despite your efforts your body betrays you, I know you are feeling the guilt of disappointing me on top of that, and I know your behaviour has been a reflection of those feelings okay?" and all I can manage is a nod.
"How are you feeling now?"
"Good, like I needed to get those feelings out, I just didn't know how and I don't want to be complaining about the same things forever you know?"
"I know, but I don't mind if you complain about the same things every single day for the rest of our lives Sia, I want to know you are feeling those things okay?"
"Yes, Sir"
"Okay, now that we are past those feelings and I feel like you've reflected properly - let's deal with the disrespect and direct disobedience" he says and I can't help but whimper
"I want you at the end of the bed, I know you are sore but I'm not going to let that behaviour slide, understood?"
"Yes, Sir" I reply already crying again, I place myself on the edge of our bed, toes on the floor and arms reaching above me. While Jake shifts himself off the bed, and positions himself to the right of me while removing his belt.
"Okay, it's going to be 20, you don't have to count, but you do have to stay in position - move and we will do another 20 in the morning, understood?"
"Yes, Sir"
"Okay, show me you are ready to follow instructions love" and with that his arm raises and the first thwap of the belt seethes across my already bruising cheeks, I stifle my yelp and manage to stay in position.
Holding onto his instruction, reminding myself how good it makes me feel to submit to this man, this man that loves me so much I am able to stay in position for all 20.

Pulling me up into his arms, rubbing my back, kissing my head, "I'm so so proud of you"