As he stepped into the dark street, he pulled the jacket closer around him. The weather was colder now then he had anticipated this morning, when he left for the studio. He slowly started walking in the direction of the dorms, with no rush to get there. Nobody was waiting for him. Not this late anyway.
He had finished the vlive in a haze, barely paying attention. Usually he didn't make it through the list of songs he wanted to share with STAY, but this time he had shortened the breaks between songs, preferring to just nod to the beat and not talking more than necessary. He did the usual "Hug? Big hug!" with a lump in his throat, but he knew how important it was for his fans. He never wanted to disappoint them, and it was such a small gesture.
Now, alone and with no camera in his face, his feelings caught up with him once more. If only he could hug the one he wanted, and feel the warmth without feeling guilty at the same time. Without counting the seconds so the hug wasn't too short or too long, so no one would suspect anything.
"I hope you will find your life partner soon, Channie. You deserve it."
The sentiment echoed through his mind for every step he took. "Partner". Gender neutral, even though Chan had only ever been with girls. Someone out there held the possibility open that he would end up with a guy. He shivered as a gust of cold air hit him again. Not a guy. The guy. The only one he truly wanted. The pressure of the next comeback was straining him, and it was getting harder to live in the same house and pretend that the boy didn't mean anything special to Chan.
Sure, the dating ban was over and in theory he could see who ever he wanted, but that was only in theory. He was straight, but if it had been possible he wouldn't hesitate for a moment to be gay for him. The boy was off limits though. Chan was the fricking leader of Stray Kids. It would be wrong to pursue a member romantically. It would be unethical and mess up the dynamics of the group. Chan might make exceptions for certain people, but nobody could give him an exception. He was the leader, and this was just another sacrifice he had to give for his stray kids. They had saved him and he would not repay their hard work with putting their group in jeopardy.
Chan's thoughts went in circles until he was at the front door, making him him feel hopeless and tired. He had no real place to rest. There was no embrace waiting for him. No safe haven. He pulled off his beanie and jacket as soon as he was inside the apartment and ruffled his blonde hair with frustration.
The hallway was almost completely dark, but he knew where he was going. Half way to his room he stopped at the door. His door. There were no sounds in the night, and Chan had never felt more lonely than in that moment. He raised his hand and placed it at the door, feeling the hard surface.
A cold fire was burning within him, and it would engulf him completely if he didn't keep his emotions in check. He longed for the boy. He wanted him romantically, spiritually, physically, – in all possible ways.
But that was just the case, wasn't it? Chan could never have him.
And even if he could – who said that the boy wanted him in return?
YOU ARE READING
You're the One
Fanfic""Can I come in? Please, Channie?" Chan nodded and took his seat by the desk, and Felix waddled slowly into the room. "What do you want?" the oldest Australian said with a tired, but not unkind voice. "I would like to talk to you" Felix muttered. "I...
