Dirty Little Secret

Chapter Forty Eight: Harden My Heart

The last thing I remember is the hard tiled kitchen floor. Now I'm on something soft and I feel warm. I force open my heavy eyes and look around. I'm in the lounge, on the couch. There's a blanket over me. I push myself up and can't help but wince.

I look down at my arm. There is a bandage wrapped tightly around it. It stings and feels really sore. I can hear muffled voices coming from the kitchen. The kitchen door is closed so I can't quite make out what is being said. The noise is slowly rising though.

"MY FAULT HOW IS THIS MY FAULT?! I LOVE HER!"

My stomach churns and my chest rips open. It's his voice. I can't help it but I feel it come up. I stand up and run to the kitchen. I push open the door and push the bodies out of my way. I make it to the sink just in time.

My eyes sting and my throat burns as I continue to vomit. I hear footsteps and my hair is pulled off my face.

I finally stop puking and stand up straight. I turn and Grace gives me a weak smile.

"Thanks..." I say, wiping my mouth.

"No problem. Let's go upstairs."

I walk towards the door with her.

"Amy!"

I stop and my body tenses up. Don't be sick again, don't be sick again.

"Amy." He repeats but softer, his voice still full of desperation.

"Not now Adam." Grace says sternly.

I stop in my tracks. I'm face to face with the door. His voice makes me sick. What will looking at him do? I have my hand on the door handle. Every part of me is screaming to look at him. But I know it's a bad idea. A lump forms in my throat.

I slowly turn. I keep my eyes on the kitchen floor and slowly raise them up to him.

His hair is in strands and dirty. Like he's been running his hands through it. He is paler than usual. His cheeks are tear stained. Concern is all over his face and his eyes full of concern. He still manages to look breath taking.

"Why are you crying?" He asks walking towards me.

I'm stuck. I can't move. My chest feels like its been torn open. I'd be sick again but I have nothing in my system.

"Don't." Grace warns.

"Why?" Adam asks.

"She doesn't need this right now."

I turn back around to face the door. I put my shaky hand back on the handle. I open it and walk out the kitchen. I go upstairs and collapse on my bed.

Grace walks in a few minutes after.

"You okay?" She asks sitting next to me.

I nod.

"What happened?"

"You passed out... I called the ambulance. You lost a lot of blood. They gave you stitches."

"I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking straight. I thought it would help with the pain... It didn't. I never meant to pass out or even go that deep. I'm so so sorry Grace."

She pulls me into a hug.

"Just never ever scare me like that again. Ever."

"I won't." I promise.

"He's not worth hurting yourself over." 

I can't believe I was so stupid. Grace must have been petrified.

I wriggle out the hug and stand up. I go over to my bathroom.

"I'm gonna have a shower."

Grace nods and I go into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me. I turn the shower on and as I wait for it to heat up, I look at myself in the mirror.

My hair is greasy and knotted, black and red flying everywhere. My eyes are red and sore. Huge black bags hang under them. I look ugly.

I peel off my clothes and step into the warm water.

I step out feeling refreshed and clean. I wrap myself in a towel and look in the mirror again. Then I remember the words Isobel once told me.

"You never let anybody break you. You're stronger than that. Never change you. Don't let yourself get destroyed. Harden your heart."

Those words replay over and over in my mind. Over and over.

I have to get over this; over him. I have to harden my heart.

I walk back out to my room.

"Mind if I shower?" Grace asks.

"Course not."

I chuck her a clean towel and she goes into the bathroom.

I put on fresh underwear and then look through my clothes. I pull a black slashed top off the hanger and over my top half. I put on dark denim shorts with rips and chains on the pockets and slide them up my legs. I pull black knee high socks up to my knee.

Grace walks out the bathroom and smiles when she sees me.

"You look great! We going out?"

I nod.

"Sure you're up for it?"

"Yeah."

It's the first step to moving on right?

Grace gets dressed while I do my make-up.

When we're both ready we call a taxi and wait outside for it.

Tonight had been a great night. We went out for dinner and then to the movies. I'm absolutely stuffed! A huge burger, chips, popcorn and M&Ms. We pay the taxi driver and hop out.

We walk to the front door. I dig out my key. I raise it to the door but it swings open.

Mickie storms out. Her orange figure glows in the dark. She walks past me, smacking my shoulder as she does.

"Oi! Watch it!" I snap at her.

She turns around and smirks at me.

"Damn I should have left earlier... Adam didn't want you to catch me here."

I freeze. My stomach churns and tears start forming in my eyes. 

No. No. No. Ignore the pain. Push it out. Harden your heart. Harden your heart.

Grace looks at me worriedly. I give her a weak smile. Pushing the pain aside I walk in. Adam is sat on the couch. He stands when he sees me. 

"Amy I-"

"Save it." I cut him off.

I walk past him, up the stairs and to my room. Grace on my heels. 

"Are you okay?" She asks me pulling me into a hug.

"Yeah..."

"What's all this about Aims?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean... I am glad you're keeping it together. I don't want to see you hurting. But... Since your shower you've changed. You're more yourself."

"You never let anybody break you. You're stronger than that. Never change you. Don't let yourself get destroyed. Harden your heart." I repeat to Grace. "Isobel told me that." I smile.

"Well she was right."