Existence

34.

K I N S L E Y ' S P O V

Dear journal friend.

Another week that i've been trapped in my room. Except this past week i've personally locked myself in my room.

No human interaction. No 'help' from anyone. No medication. No food. I'm basically on strike, again.

I've even started thinking about the powder at the back of my dresser. I still haven't given it to them. And I really want to, I do. It's the only way i'll ever get myself better, but look at me right now. I'm not helping myself at all.

I told them I didn't need any help, that I've been my own helper for years now. I don't think they truly understand how much I need them and their help. But I'm incapable of telling them. Id feel weak if I told them how I'm actually doing.

Uncle Francisco's words struck out to me. Maybe I did need to stop being a selfish bitch and start being a part of the family again. It just kind of hurt the way he told me.

As I right this out to you, I just wanted to let you know, it's ok to need help. It's ok to receive help from someone other than yourself. You may be the person who can do anything and everything by themselves, but sometimes it good to have a friend by your side.

Sincerely, me.

   I closed the book, placing it back into it's place. I'm so over this place, I really am. I feel like i'm only making it worse for all of them. They were all a perfect family without me here. I just had to be found and mess everything up.

    "Kinsley let me in." Someone said from the other side of the door. I rolled my eyes and got up from the chair. In case you were wondering, I'm still not talking to them. I haven't really had a reason to.

   I walked over to the door, debating on weather or not I should open it. "I know you're right there so you might as well just open the damn door." He said.

   I finally opened the door to reveal a very worried Matteo. Before I could act anymore, the door was pushed open fully and Matteo invited himself in.

   "Where are your meds? Is that the plate of food we had from last night? Why does it look like you haven't slept in forever?" He rushed, placing his hands on my shoulders.

   I sighed, taking his hands off of my shoulders. "Meds are where they have been for the past weeks, that is the food from last night, and I have barely slept." I paused for a second, avoiding his eye contact. "Look's like you haven't been taking care of yourself either, brother."

   He went silent for a second, messing with his hands. "I'm worried about you, Kins." He whispered, putting his hand under my chin, making me look up to him.

   It was only then when I saw my oldest brother truly struggling. He would never tell anyone, but you could see it in his eyes.  

   "You don't have to worry about me. I can take care of myself." Lie. I definitely was not capable of taking care of myself as of right now. "It's not only me that's worried. Everyone is. Everyone is going crazy without you Kins." He paused, though I could tell he had more to say.

   "Even though you're under this roof, everyone's acting as if you aren't here. Honestly, you aren't here. You aren't being you right now. We are trying to help you get better and you're not letting us. Why won't you let us?" He said softly.

   "How long have I been alone, helping myself? How long has it been since i've truly had any help? How long has it been since i've actually had a family that cares? This is all new to me, Teo! I'm fucking trying to let you guys in but every time I do, something bad happens and were back to square one! Like last week, I was trying, but it's always something." I said, backing away from him slowly.

   "I underst-" "No, don't say you understand because you truly don't. I get you're trying to help, and i'm trying, I really am. It's just gonna take a minute to get used to all this again." I said truthfully.

   "I just really fucking miss my sister." He whispered again. I looked at his face, tears pooled in his eyes. I've never felt worse in my life.

Come on Kinsley. They're just trying to help you and you're being a selfish bitch. Always making it about yourself.

   "I'm so so sorry, Matteo. I am. I'm trying so hard." I wrapped my arm's around my brother. His arms wrapped securely around me, as if he were to let go, id simply vanish.

   We stayed like that for a few minutes before I broke out of his embrace. "Promise me something." He said, pulling a box from his hoodie pocket. I simply nodded.

   "Promise me that whenever you need help, you will come to me. You don't have to talk, maybe you just want to sit and have someone with you. Just promise me you'll find me." He said, opening the box to reveal a necklace.

   I nodded once more, keeping my eyes on the golden chain. The base was a small diamond with a R carved in the center. It matched the chains everyone else had wrapped around their necks.

   "Another promise." He said, taking the chain from the box. "Promise me you will keep this on at all times." He said, turning me around. "I promise." With that, he clasped the necklace together and gave me another bear hug.

"Now come on. I have another surprise."

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Whats the surprise?

I apologize for the amount of time it took to publish this.

I hope you are all doing amazing because you definitely deserve it!!

<3 K