Song: I caught myself - Paramore
Victoria's PoV
Whoever said the truth will set you free clearly didn't have a turbulent love life. It was supposed to make you feel better, admitting your feelings, no matter who it was about or who the words were dictated to. But as I stood across the room from John, pretty much admitting the existence of my feelings towards Roger, I had never felt weaker, or more disapointed in myself.
You were so strong. You were fine alone. And now you've admitted that all you've wanted all this time is for him to come back, despite how horribly he treated you. Your parents were right Victoria, you are a stupid, desperate, little whore.
My parents had always been true christians, always cited that particular part of the Bible, always encouraged us as young children to tell the truth, Chris and myself. Tell the truth, and nothing could go wrong, they said. As if they hadn't kicked me out of the family home for telling them the truth about Lola and her parentage. As if John hadn't looked at me differently the moment I carelessly hinted that some feelings towards Roger did still exist and that his actions from all those years ago still hurt me. As if admitting that a part of me did want to let Roger back into my life hadn't exposed me and Lola to the danger of getting hurt. Now that I had agreed to give him a chance, I couldn't take that decision back. John meant well, that I was sure of. I just wasn't certain of his judgement.
Outside, in the garden, I could hear the excited squeals of John, Roger, and Lola as they engaged in some childish game, the sound floating softly through Lola's open bedroom window. I was seated on her bedroom floor, flipping through those old images I had kept of Roger, a souvenir for my daughter to know her father through. She must have gotten them out before he arrived; the poor girl probably didn't know whether she would see him again after our argument. Even though I had given them to Lola, lately, even before Roger had come back into our lives, I had flicked through them more than her, wanting to hold on to a piece of him, however small. A part of me must have been dreaming of his return, even though I never would admit it out loud; I had replayed the moment so many times in my head.
And he hadn't even recognised me. I didn't exist to him anymore. I was the love of his life, and he couldn't even remember what I looked like; if he'd have chanced upon me in the street, he'd have walked straight past me.
Just like everything else Roger Taylor had done to me, it had fucking hurt.
Why would he recognise me? The girl he had fallen in love with all those years ago was beautiful, outgoing and vibrant, unafraid of anything, a paragon of sexuality, willing to follow her love blindly to the end of the earth. She had been game, young, down for anything. I couldn't compete with her.
She wouldn't even recognise me; no wonder he didn't. I truly was pathetic, compared to that girl. Tired, worn-down, aged beyond my years, scared of my own shadows. I wasn't glamourous, or pretty, I never bothered with my hair, clothes, or makeup. I was afraid of my own shadow. She had been fun, I could barely even talk to Roger now, not trusting the words that fell out of my mouth. She hadn't relied on anti-depressants just to get her through the day.
Roger did that. Or at least, he was in part responsible for my depression. I stared down at the two pictures in my hands, that perfectly summed my tormented, fractured emotions towards Roger Taylor. On the back of one, I had inked the word "soulmates". On another, I had physically scratched the image of his lying eyes from the picture.
I knew I should go downstairs and inform Roger of mine and Deaky's arrangment, but I couldn't bring myself to tear my eyes away from those photos, and the hallowed eyes that stared back at me. The eyes of all the people I would have to face again in just a few days time, and explain why I left their lives. My beloved Freddie. Brian. Even though I knew how it would go. How I would be left behind. How they all fit together, a perfect band, a perfect family, without me. How Lola, the only person who stopped me from ending it all, would come to prefer her father over me. He could give her so much more than I could. He could give her everything in the world, whilst I had barely gotten us by.
