Run from me darling

Fourteen

After Hours-The Weeknd

I'll risk it all for you
I want you next to me
This time, I'll never leave

CASTIEL

I saw my dad hit my mom for the first time when I was 7. He would go out and come back intoxicated as shit. I would see random bruises on my mom but she never admitted it was my dad. I knew after he hit her, that it wasn't the first time.

It all just started making sense. Why she was distracted, flinched when I reached for her hand, and the bruises.

I think that was the moment I realized the hatred I had for him. Rage was fuming through my body and I wanted more than anything to stand up for my mother but I couldn't.

I remember my mom telling my aunt Peggy that one day she would be smart enough to leave but she never got to before her death. She wanted so bad to take me and disappear off the earth but she knew it was no good. He would always find us.

And if he couldn't have her, nobody could.

He would've rather seen her dead than with another man.

She tried a couple times but he found us and he made sure she regretted doing it. I considered Uncle Toni my dad and it pissed my father off. I used all my anger to my advantage. I was happy when my father died.

I just want to know who did it. I don't know what I'd say to them to be honest.

Would I praise them or hate them?

I grieved for a long time. I was sad because I wanted him to be a dad. To be proud of the person who was going to take over his career but also angry that he was the way he was. He was cold, too cold.

I'm just like him and I hate myself for that. I haven't been to his grave not once. I wasted my whole life wanting him to be there for me and I can't bring myself to give him my presence now.

Talking about my mother was a sore topic. I loved my mother and growing up I always wondered how she ended up with someone like my dad but she told me she saw a side of him that nobody else saw and I wish I had seen it but I didn't.

I can't blame her for loving him but I can blame her for not loving me more.

I grew up in a household that held so much abuse and pain.

I would be a better person if I got out sooner.

If only she fought harder for me, for herself.

I look over at Nina sleeping with her mouth open and a part of me is mad at her because she reminds me of my mom in the way of her not leaving sooner. She knew christian was a monster but she stayed.

What does it take for them to finally leave? What was it for her? I didn't talk sense into her or else she would've cut him out completely. I wanted to bring it up but the time hasn't been right. She compares me to him and it pisses me the fuck off. I am not him.