Run from me darling

Eighteen

No Plan-Hozier

My heart is thrilled by the still of your hand
It's how I know now that you understand

CASTIEL

She was out, by herself having lunch with her mom and Christian. That crazy motherfucker that I should've killed when I had the chance. I don't trust him or her mother.

I wonder if they know about me? Her parents. I know she doesn't talk to her dad but would she be embarrassed to tell her mother where she's been sleeping and living the past month?

I know she was out trying to dig information about her past. She isn't dumb. I'd be doing the same if someone wanted to come for me. It would only make sense to know why or to have a start. I need to know why for myself.

I'm trying to focus on something other than Nina being out alone, like the fact that I'm trying to plan something special for her.. For us. This was a big moment for me as well. I've never had emotions with sex. I've never felt this deeply before. I've never made love to anyone and I was planning to make love to Nina tonight.

This was her first time. This should be special for her. I want this to be special for her.

This isn't the movies and things aren't going to be perfect but I was going to try my hardest to make it close to perfect.

"What do you need, boss?" Johnny walks into my room and takes in everything. This is only the second time he has ever been in my room. The first time was when I punched the wall after finding out about Mandy's death.

Mandy was dead.

I've thought about her death more than I thought I would.

"You're kinda the romantic type when it comes to women. What would you do if you were bedding someone you actually liked?" I expected Johnny to hunch over in laughter but he didn't. He looked shocked.

Did I word it right? I didn't want to bluntly say fuck because I was just going to fuck her.

"I would set the mood. Put some rose petals out on the bed, dim the lights, add some candles. I'd buy her a sexy outfit to make her feel special, girls like that type of thing. Nina however, she just wants you so anything you do will be fine."

"Why is it hard to believe that someone that could get any other man wants me? She could get a rich dude that wasn't rich through dead bodies." Johnny pats my back.

I stay awake at night thinking about it.

She could be so much happier with a good guy.

I wasn't good. I kill people. I help others kill people. I sell drugs and laugh when people get hurt in front of me.

"You're a hard person to understand Castiel but she understands you so easily and that makes it hard for you to believe. She came into your life unexpectedly and tore down the walls us others are trying to still fight after years of knowing you. Everything is easy with her and that is just the price of love."

It was hard for me to believe and understand how easy it is for her to get under my skin.

He said Love.

A simple four letter word that scares the shit out of me.

I don't think I love her.. I don't know love.

I've always been half empty and I've only given people half of me, never the whole.

I've only ever felt my mother's love and it doesn't feel like this. I didn't love her like this.